Wondering how much alone time other new mothers get

[Lagirl20]

I am mother to an 18 week old baby. I love being a mother and spending time with my baby. However I am starting to feel a bit caged in. I rarely get time to myself without baby, and I’m always switched on and in parenting mode with I’m with him, which is tiring. Dad helps out a lot at home. I’ve only been away from him a handful of times (for a haircut, for one coffee, to go to the doctors). I’d love to have one evening a week free to go to an exercise class but is that unreasonable? Dad minds baby when he gets home from work but that’s my time to clean, tidy, make dinner, sterilise bottles etc. so not sure logistically how I can have the time to myself. If you’re a new mum, how much alone time do you get (if any) and is it a regular agreement with your partner?

Oops, left voting on. So I guess my question is - am I being unreasonable to want to have time to myself as a new mum to attend one exercise class a week?

You should have what you want a definitely what you need. There is no right way, if you want to do a class and leave baby with someone you trust, and in this case his parent, then of course you should.
Mummy guilt eats into everything, learning to realise that it is irrational and that you are still important makes for a happier life

YANBU

I started doing my hobby one evening a week when my baby was 6 weeks old. It was non negotiable, I needed that time and my husband never had a problem with it. Gave him one on one time with the baby

Totally reasonable, a happy mummy equals a happy baby!

on the night of your class maybe just ease up on the tidying and accept you might need to play catch up the next day or get oh to do a bit more that night.

Your baby's dad isn't minding the baby. He is the baby's father. You aren't minding the baby when you are with it are you? Go and do your evening activity with a free heart.

You need to do what is right for you. I don't like being away from my babies that young so exercised at home whilsr she took a nap but I have other children too. As she is your first you should be able to make the time between you for an exercise class or going to the gym. So if dad has baby of an evening after dinner you should go. Or if that doesn't work well consider a mum and baby fitness class where you can take baby with you. Yanbu.

Breast feeding aside, dads can do half. There's a (male) perception that Mat leave is holiday.
Do those jobs in day whilst off.
Dad home = do your hobbies

Dad doesn’t “help out” - reframe that in your thoughts immediately! He comes home and does his share of parenting and household tasks (and if he doesn’t do household stuff he should).

Of course it’s more than reasonable to have an evening at an exercise class - why wouldn’t it be?

When mine were small we had no easy babysitting options so we mostly socialised and did stuff separately. Our agreement was 2 days each in the week not ‘on duty’ and Friday nights kept free to spend together as ‘date night’. So my DH could do what he wanted Tues/Thurs and I could do what I chose Mon/Weds. it gave a bit of clarity to booking stuff like meals out with friends and having a regular exercise routine and so on.

None I didn’t get any alone time at all until my children went to school. Never had a single day to myself until school alone but I was a lone parent. I wouldn’t have wanted to be away at that age though and I was bf but everyone is different

I kind of wanted alone time but then when I got it I missed the baby. I think it is pretty normal for a baby to be with it's mother pretty much all the time for most of the first year. In other cultures they just keep that simple by strapping them on so they don't really every cry as they are not separated from Mum. You could try that. Once they start walking they branch out a bit but to be honest they can be pretty clingy up to about 3 I would say.

Dad minds baby when he gets home from work but that’s my time to clean, tidy, make dinner, sterilise bottles etc. so not sure logistically how I can have the time to myself.

What should happen here is, he gets home from work you hand over baby, then you don’t run round like a madwoman doing it all, you take a bit of time to yourself. Then after baby’s bath time with Dad, you alternate bedtime duties and whoever isn’t doing bedtime cooks dinner. You both tidy up/do bottles before sitting down to relax.

I'm a sole parent, so very rarely got time away from my twins as babies.

I think that must be one of the main advantages of having another parent - you can define times each week to walk out the door, knowing your baby is being looked after.

Definitely go and enjoy your gym class/sit in a coffee shop/go for a drive alone.

Dh used to do dc1's bath. It meant I got a pretty much guaranteed 45 minutes while he did that and dressed her. And he got time with her.

I did laugh like a drain at him after dc2 was born and he said he couldn't manage both in the bath together on his own. However he thought it would be nice if I could bath them and get them ready for bed before he came home (he was working later shifts than before) and he would then read them a story and play games.
As I pointed out, if he thought I could manage both in the bath together, then he could manage them too.
He bathed them both after that, and I got my time alone again.

That short time was very valuable to me when they were small.

I found that until my son was about 7 months maybe I found it was quite intense, where not only are you physically the one looking after them but you’re usually having to carry them or play with them or something. They don’t just go away and do their own thing! My little boy is now 1 and it’s sooo much easier that he will just mill about on his own so even though I’m in the room with him, I can actually sit down and have a cup of tea and a biscuit with both hands! So regardless of the ‘who’s in charge’ thing, I’d say the ‘being in charge’ bit gets easier and easier from 6 months onwards. Of course you’ve then got the skiddle of actual food to deal with for them but that’s another story 😂

In answer to your original question, no I didn’t really ever get time off as such. I got a running buggy and went running in the day with him which made me feel like I’d got a bit of freedom back, especially when he’d fall asleep in it. Even now if I’m going to go somewhere I feel like I’ve got to double check I can go! I’d say an exercise class once or twice a week would be perfectly reasonable. The debate we used to have a lot was that he would argue he was at work all day (implying I was somehow living the high life at home 😂😩), he’d then come straight in to deal with a baby and after he was in bed it would be time for the dishwasher, clearing up etc. but I’d also point out that I couldn’t just be ‘it’ all day and then all night too. Some days I would be counting down til 5 for him to walk through the door 😬 it does get much easier though!

It really depends on their circumstances and support system, some new mums have a lot of time others have none.

Yanbu.

Enjoy your class and feeling like yourself again for a short time.

Get in the habit of putting things back or whizzing around while the baby is safe throughout the day it'll free up part of your evenings.

There won't be an 'average' or 'usual' amount of time as we are all different.
Some people don't have the Dad at home. Some people have doting grandparents living in the same street. Some people refuse to leave their baby.

But YANBU to want, and then to make arrangements for a bit of 'me time' at all.