So tired of waiting for everything...all the time

[Peggypenguin]

I feel like I'm always waiting for things to happen. It's so difficult to get DH to make any decisions, to move on anything. Part of this I just his personality but I am beginning to get really frustrated.

He literally has hours every evening free, yet he can't seem to make a decision on anything. Every day he tells me he will do something and then say he forgot. Everything is 'later' or 'I'll do it tomorrow'. I'm at the end of my tether.

I'm talking about usually very minor decisions. I carry the mental load and do almost everything for the children, etc. But for example, I want to take the children away for the Christmas holidays but it's like he just can't be bothered to confirm whether we can book.

We have so many plans, so many things we want to do yet nothing is ever going to happen. I would love to just push forward with things on my own but a lot of decisions rely on my husband agreeing to them. That's why it is so difficult and frustrating.

Stop waiting

I'm booking x by y time.

Decide by then or I'm doing it anyway

Why does he need to agree? He can’t even be bothered to disagree. Just make the decisions you want to make. I assume with things like the Xmas trip you’ll need to know if he can have time off? I’d tell him you’ve got until x date to let me know or I’ll be booking it for just me and the kids. And then do it. It might be a wake up call for him

You are not alone
Talk, talk and agree deadlines etc and see how it goes but it has to work bothways.

Sounds like my ex. Life is too short for this crap.

I feel your pain. I've stopped waiting. I'll now do the things I want to do and if he wants to come great, if not, I'm doing it anyway. Honestly, I can't spend three hours going back and forth over what should be a 30 second decision.

You need to say, "OK, I am making a decision on this Christmas holiday by 8pm this evening. It's something the children and I would love to do. Are you coming or do you prefer to stay at home?"

I will no longer keep asking, "Have you done that yet? Phoned for X, booked in Y". If he wants it to happen, he'll need to do it of his own accord. And it's a tremendous feeling to know I don't need to keep hanging on and asking, "Would you like to go to....?" or "Should we buy.....?"

You need to say, "OK, I am making a decision on this Christmas holiday by 8pm this evening. It's something the children and I would love to do. Are you coming or do you prefer to stay at home?"

This.

I understand what everyone is saying and usually on minor things I would do that, however for things like days out or holidays that I need him to come on and agree to financially, it's become a massive frustration.

I don't understand what is wrong with him. It's like something in his brain is stopping him from making decisions quickly. I'll sometimes ask him a basic question and he gets in a panic over what should be a 2 second decision.

Well it doesn't sound like he wants to come really does it.

Why do you need him to come or for him to agree to the financials?

Is he maybe scared of making the 'wrong decision'? He thinks there will be consequences if he chooses this over that? He might want to go on holiday at Christmas but worried that it's not the best place to go, or something will come up which means you can no longer afford it. Maybe he plays out the variables in his head and it paralyses him a bit so it's easier not to make any decision and just go with the status quo.

I'm not excusing the behaviour, just trying to figure out why he'd struggle to be decisive. It's so frustrating, especially for someone impulsive or who likes to be organised!

Is he depressed or financially controlling or does he just not want to do it???

If it’s a holiday or an expensive day out I can see you need to agree a joint expense but just give him a deadline - the choices are X or Y, I need to hear from you in 2 days if you have a preference, or I am going to do x. Also email him and stick a note on his desk.

Give him 12 extra hours grace and then book.

If you mean you don’t have access to money then that is actually your problem, not this, and you need to sort that out.

The holiday was just an example, this is a daily occurrence of indecision over everything.

It sounds silly but it affects me a lot. It stops me from moving forward with things and since I'm the one who has to keep our life running smoothly and organising everything, it is a hindrance and paralyses everything I do.

Why do you need him to agree?

Warn him.

Then do it.

Is he worried about money?

I worry about money whilst my partner is a spender. I usually want to do all the suggested things but by default I wish for /look for a cheaper option. It is a form of indecision I suppose, but I weigh up the short holiday cost against the windows that need to be replaced. The new nikes against the boiler service.

It is a tricky dynamic in a relationship, and be careful about booking things that don't include your husband because that could cause resentment.

Have you agreed a budget for things that you can work to? That might free up the financial decision blockage.

If you are the one who organises everything and keeps it all running smoothly, why on earth are you asking him?
Do you need his approval? his input? his company on the trips? his money?
What do you need from him that is stopping you?

Seriously - just go ahead and do your own thing. If you are taking the kids you don't even need to ask him if he is free to have them.

I think we may be married to the same man! Drives me round the bend. Endless dithering and indecision about everything.
I think I know at least some of the reasons he’s like this, but it doesn’t make it any easier. Even worse, if I get fed up with the dithering and just go ahead with e.g. buying something, he’ll often go all grumpy and say he doesn’t like it or “I thought we hadn’t agreed to do that yet”.
No advice to give sorry, only empathy.

I would absolutely just do it. Life is far too short.

Its very controlling to keep someone hanging on and uncertain as to whether something is happening or now. It’s a very sneaky form of control because it sounds like the person is v laid back - makes it easy to blame you and even suggest you are controlling - when in fact it’s the other way about.

I have a similar husband. After twenty years of i forgot or I will do it later our house is falling apart. Its probably worth £50k less. Our marriage has also fallen apart and my mental health has taken a battering. Im trying to find a way to leave.

Honestly? It won't get better. Either accept what you have or start thinking about going it alone. He won't change.