To stay for the children?

[Wanttostartagain1]

NC so I’m not identified.

I have 3 DC’s - 9, 5 and 1. Husband high paid and long hour job. Mine much more flexible and part time.

Been together many years. Think he could have taken or left having children but I was clear that this was a deal breaker for me from when we started dating.

Fast forward to now. He’s constantly moody and miserable. No patience for the children or me. Snaps at me all the time. I’ve tried discussing it with him, asking him to go for counselling, asking him to see a Doctor in case he is depressed - he refuses. I’ve asked if he wants a divorce and he says no, he just wants me to ‘stop nagging’ at him.

He has very ‘high standards’ for how the house should be and likes to find reasons I’ve been lazy or he has to something to give him an excuse to be miserable. He speaks to me with resentment and distain.

He’s told me if I leave he’ll cut his earnings so he doesn’t have to pay a lot of maintenance.

I’m so unhappy. If I leave, I can’t afford to stay in the area we live in, and I can’t drive, therefore the DC’s will have to move areas and schools. Their clubs, friends etc will all be left behind. Their standard of living will also change dramatically.

I also don’t know how I would cope with 3 DC on my own as although he doesn’t do much he does do something’s.

Has anyone stayed for the children? Has it got better? Please be kind, I’m so unhappy.

Learn to drive. It will change things dramatically for you.

Unfortunately I’m unable to drive at all so don’t have that option.

Leave him. Nothing good can come of this, he sounds like an absolute c*nt. As the previous poster said it would be ideal if you could learn to drive. If you can’t though, don’t let that be a dealbreaker.

You only get one life - live it well! You deserve not to be miserable.

What a cock, sounds just like my ex. I would start setting yourself up for a life without him. Firstly, don’t give away you’re not happy, instead start driving lessons. Secondly go to a lawyer and get the 30min free advice offered, make sure you have a list of q’s to ask so you make good use of your time.

My ex also threatened to earn less so as to give me less maintenance- believe me, he won’t do this! There is no way he will compromise his ability to get a mortgage with a lower paid job if he needs to move out / you have to sell etc. He will need every penny to afford his own life and earning less might mean he gives you less but he will also have less! So don’t panic there.

Keep running the house etc, but quietly sort your future. Get a private bank account if you don’t already have one. Put money aside ( pretend it’s for a holiday if you have to give a reason). See what you can borrow on your salary if you need a mortgage. Take into account that you will most likely get 50% equity of your family home so just add the additional mortgage amount to this.

If and when you decide divorce is the way then make sure you are not only given the appropriate amount of child benefit from your ex but also as you mentioned you earn less, make sure you are given a nominal spousal payment amount for a degree of time - 1year+ to help you get to a position where you can manage a mortgage / living expenses on your own. If you do not have a pension but your husband (ex) does then you are entitled to 50% of it (whatever the amount is on the day you agree I’d the separation date) This amount can be given to you at your retirement or you can ask for it from his portion of equity from your sold family home (as long as it covers it)

I hope this helps and good luck xx