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AIBU?

Chances of miscarriage

23 replies

MrsmrsmrsS · 12/09/2022 15:35

I'm 7 weeks pregnant and 38 years old. This is my first pregnancy.
I'm keen to keep it quiet until 12 weeks, but it's bloody hard when you're usually such an enthusiastic wine drinker and now not drinking at all.
Can I get an early scan at say 10 weeks and tell our parents?
Also, I'm due to go on a girl's holiday before the 12 weeks too. And they'll guess if I don't drink and also if I cancel, arrgh!?
From my googling it seems like it's fairly unlikely to have a miscarriage, but then loads of my friends seem to have had loads which doesn't fill me with confidence and seems way more than the stats would suggest, perhaps as we're all late 30s.
I feel like if I was to have a miscarriage I'd be alright telling close friends and family I had, don't think it would necessarily make it worse or anything.
Advice please, thanks :)

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QweenT · 12/09/2022 15:38

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BatshitBanshee · 12/09/2022 15:39

Say you're on antibiotics or you're on the dry till Christmas in a new health kick. I personally wouldn't tell anyone before 12 weeks but then I unfortunately know people who have also miscarried around that stage & no one can give you any assurances. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Jubaju · 12/09/2022 15:41

Stats are something like 1in 4 pregnancies don’t have a successful outcome, plus age to be factored in. You can get private scans from 6-7 weeks to detect a heart beat.
Congrats and good luck :)

mamabear715 · 12/09/2022 15:41

I lost quite a few babies, and had kept quiet until the magic 12 weeks, which obviously I didn't get to.. now I think I might as well have told people, because if the worst does happen, no-one knows but you, and that's awful, no easier to cope with at all.
It's up to you if you go away with friends - I don't drink so it wouldn't matter to me, but it's awful seeing people 'merry' & kinda foolish when you're sober but used to having a glass or three!
Having said all that, I have a large family, & no reason to think that you won't have a happy, healthy baby! Hugs. x

YelloCar · 12/09/2022 15:46

I’m of the ‘if the worst happens I’d rather have support’ frame of mind. So I told my mum, sister and best friend early on. The pregnancy didn’t work out and I was so grateful for their support.

But you’ve got to do whatever choice is best for you.

Frogsalad · 12/09/2022 15:48

I would go for an early scan if you're really nervous, but the odds are still in your favour. Two people in identical circumstances could have very different outcomes so don't compare yourself to others.
Do not give the antibiotics thing as an excuse. Nobody buys that, they'll all twig immediately, especially if you are often known to enjoy a drink. Either tell them (I did under very similar circumstances and as most were also mums they totally understood my concerns and respected my wishes to keep it private outside the group). If you don't want to tell them all, tell one or two of your closest friends there and ask them to give you the fake drinks.

Frogsalad · 12/09/2022 15:51

To add to that, when I let on at the hen weekend I was at it felt much better because nobody was trying to egg me on to drink anything which they probably would had I used an excuse. It also meant they were totally understanding when I wanted to slope off early at night or disappear for an afternoon nap because of nausea or just being totally bloody shattered!

Amijustagrump · 12/09/2022 15:51

My first we told everyone at 6 weeks and it was fine. This one I'm currently 6 weeks and it feels "wrong" so it's been kept quieter, still several people know but it's much more on the down low. Don't say you're on antibiotics, you might as well just wear a sign saying your pregnant!

OriginalUsername3 · 12/09/2022 15:54

We got a scan at 8 weeks. We saw the heartbeat and that he was measuring right. It was amazing. We told everybody after that. If I'd have miscarried after I'd have wanted people to know.

I had a miscarriage before DS, I know in my heart an early scan wouldn't have shown a healthy baby. Nobody knew I was pregnant and I couldn't tell anyone I was miscarrying, it was lonely.

Sofachoices · 12/09/2022 15:55

@MrsmrsmrsS Congratulations on your pregnancy OP ❤️

When I found out I was pregnant I went with “who would I tell if something went wrong?” and I told them about the pregnancy earlier than anyone else. We had a strong history of both miscarriage and very late pregnancy loss in the family so I was really nervous and just explained to those that I told that we didn’t feel comfortable with it being public knowledge at this point and I didn’t want a if fuss being made, I just wanted them to know 🤷🏻‍♀️

Skiingwithgin · 12/09/2022 16:03

You can book a private appt any time from 7 weeks but this won’t lessen your risk of miscarriage sadly! But do get one if you want the reassurance/to tell people!

NHS will not scan you early without a clinical need.

good luck x

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 12/09/2022 16:03

I find not telling a strange thing. Each to their owns obviously, but it perpetuates the loneliness and failure that many miscarrying women feel about something that is very common. Miscarriage is, but shouldn't be, taboo.

Anyway, you can find stats on risk of miscarriage when a heartbeat is present at whatever week of pregnancy. Have a google if you really want to know. After about 8 weeks it's something like 80% of a successful pregnancy.

Essexgalhere · 12/09/2022 16:06

Congratulations OP!

We told everyone close to us at 7 weeks because of my hen do and our wedding coming up. Unfortunately I did miscarriage at 9 weeks but I’m glad I had that support. I’m 27 but I remember asking the same question and to be honest no one knows if you will go on to have a healthy pregnancy or not.

A 10 week scan is a great idea and if you see a heartbeat at this stage your risk reduces quite a lot

I hope and I’m sure it will go well for you xx

Scuttlingherbert · 12/09/2022 16:19

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 12/09/2022 16:03

I find not telling a strange thing. Each to their owns obviously, but it perpetuates the loneliness and failure that many miscarrying women feel about something that is very common. Miscarriage is, but shouldn't be, taboo.

Anyway, you can find stats on risk of miscarriage when a heartbeat is present at whatever week of pregnancy. Have a google if you really want to know. After about 8 weeks it's something like 80% of a successful pregnancy.

As someone who has had 2 miscarriages and then had a baby, I completely agree with this post.

If you want to tell people - tell people! I think the not telling anyone in the 1st trimester thing is mainly an archaic, patriarchal thing, because miscarriage is the middle of venn diagram of death and 'women's health', and is more about protecting the listener's delicate ears than the teller.

With my 3rd pregnancy I ended telling everyone close to me quite early on because I was in and out of hospital with hyperemesis so I wanted close people to know.

Good luck!

MrsmrsmrsS · 12/09/2022 16:21

Thank you everyone. I've decided I'm going to tell my friends I go away with (if I make it to that point). A couple of them have had miscarriages themselves and most of them have had babies. So I think they will be super understanding of me not wanting to shout it from the rooftops and just carry on as near normal, albeit without the delicious wine. To cancel the holiday would be to lose my money, and miss the fun, just to protect my mates from feeling awkward if it goes wrong, but I don't think they would anyway, as I say unfortunately it's quite the norm in our group. And they're unlikely to tell their husbands who wouldn't be that arsed anyway I'm sure. I'll just read my book by the pool whilst they party.
I'll then hold off on telling everyone else until the 12 weeks mark I reckon, just as I don't want my mum and dad etc to be worried. 🙂

OP posts:
Lcb123 · 12/09/2022 16:26

Congratulations! I haven't been pregnant, but I think I'd tell a select few on a 'as needs' basis, i.e., if I was seeing them. I know I'd appreciate the support if I did have a miscarriage. I would ask them not to tell anyone else though.

QweenT · 12/09/2022 16:43

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EatingPeanutButterWithASpoon · 12/09/2022 16:48

Congratulations! I was age 37 with DS and almost 39 with DD.
My first pregnancy ended in a missed miscarriage so heartbeat had stopped at 6 weeks but I didn't miscarry til 11 weeks. With all pregnancies I told those who I'd tell if I had a miscarriage so I had support. I was/am vocal about my miscarriage as I don't feel it should be something to hide personally and might help someone else talk about it.

That was my rationale so if that works for you, tell some people eg family and close friends. I actually found the first trimester the most tiring in all so you may find yourself knackered on holiday and feeling queasy. I hope it all goes well!

LAURAPAX · 04/10/2022 12:26

@EatingPeanutButterWithASpoon your story gives me hope thank you x

1990s · 04/10/2022 12:34

@MrsmrsmrsS congratulations.

I am the same age as you and would just also gently raise the issue of the genetic abnormality test that you have at the 12 week scan.

unfortunately despite everything looking ok my baby had an abnormality and we decided to TFMR. I’m sure you know this is more likely at our age.

So it’s not just the miscarriage risk.

MrsmrsmrsS · 04/10/2022 12:42

I'm really sorry that happened to you.

And that's a very good point and something to think about when choosing who to tell/how many people to tell, definitely. Thanks for highlighting.

OP posts:
1990s · 04/10/2022 13:42

Thank you @MrsmrsmrsS appreciate your words.

It just wasn’t something I’d even considered, and I wish I had been more informed, so I now speak about it if I feel it’s relevant.

Its very very likely everything will be absolutely fine for you, and I really hope the holiday is good! We all need good holidays!

MrsmrsmrsS · 04/10/2022 13:49

Yes. It'd be nice if GPs could make time to have an appointment with us older women and talked us through potential risks, important dates and genetic tests. Sorry you weren't better informed.

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