Page 2 | Red flag - never having a relationship

Dietcoke111 · 2022-09-12T13:02:35+00:00

I had a first date with a guy He has a PhD - moved around due to this and also does stand up He was so funny on the date and we both agreed to see each other again - have messaged since The thing is he is 32/M and I am 35/F. He has never had a relationship for longer than 2/3 months - I asked him a bit about it and he was open and relaxed and said he was really shy until his mid twenties and just never found someone he vibed with. He appears a very secure guy. I have had several relationships last a few years. I am not sure if his lack of relationships indicate that there is a problem here? Or am I just looking for red flags?

Original poster

Dietcoke111 · 13/09/2022 08:51

gannett · 13/09/2022 08:48

Honestly the opposite of a red flag. I'd be more wary of someone who hopped from relationship to relationship without being able to be single to long stretches.

I didn't have my first real relationship until I was 30, neither did DP, we've been together ever since. Reasons? I was a late bloomer in terms of gaining confidence. I was focused on building my career and my social circle and didn't have the time for a relationship. I liked casual sex with a variety of men and didn't feel a need to give that up. I enjoy my own company and still need a lot of me time for my own interests and hobbies. I wanted to manage my own life without being beholden to anyone else. I had extremely high standards for who I let into my life and if I felt someone wasn't compatible with me I'd let them go pretty swiftly (not that I put a huge amount of effort into dating anyway). Also knew I'd never want kids so was under no time pressure on that front.

I feel I have to agree about people not being able to single for long stretches - I know a few male and female. Some are single for one week before
getting into another.

OP posts:

CarmenBizet · 13/09/2022 08:55

I've been the 'starter gf' for a few men who'd never had serious relationships before and honestly I wouldn't ever do it again. There's usually a reason that they haven't had a longterm relationship before. Personality traits I've found, like just preferring to be free and easy and not having to be tied down.

On the other hand I do have a friend who has been single her whole life, mid thirties now, who's perfectly normal and lovely and would make a fantastic partner, it just hasn't ever happened for her. So I know it's not like 100% of the time it's a problem. But in my personal life I wouldn't take that risk ever again!

hyperspacebug · 13/09/2022 08:59

Just wait and see someone who didn't have relationship until 42. On paper nothing seems wrong with him - he even had the conventional looks and wit, very hard working and reliable in senior position, not a hint of "autism", unusually kind beneath wry scepticism. We thought he was very closet gay but couldn't admit to himself due to Christian background. He said dates never really got anywhere, nice but nothing special.

In the end it was a lady who had to chase him. I have been to his wedding 8 years ago and they are on baby 3.

My husband didn't have a relationship until me. He is the gold, still is 20 yrs later.

gannett · 13/09/2022 09:02

There's usually a reason that they haven't had a longterm relationship before. Personality traits I've found, like just preferring to be free and easy and not having to be tied down.

I was about to object to this generalisation when I realised that I also have these personality traits and that's another reason I didn't have a relationship til late (and then when I did it was with a man who also has these traits).

hyperspacebug · 13/09/2022 09:05

I also have a female friend who on paper has all the desirability, but she has never been in a long term relationship - she has very strong avoidant traits, seems to rather eat stool than get attached and she tends to let things go instead of fixing issues.

Only you can find out...it could be any reason. Long term single not always for personality disordered reason.

Luredbyapomegranate · 13/09/2022 09:05

Just see how it goes

Could be he’s been focused on other stuff / been a late bloomer / never met anyone he’s been that bothered about and didn’t want to have a relationship for the sake of it.. or he could be a PITA. You’ll find out, but I wouldn’t assume either way at this stage.

cottonbrain49 · 13/09/2022 09:11

Remember on Mumsnet you will have people telling you a red flag is not knowing how you take your tea in the mornings...

DH had very few relationships before meeting me. He's the kindest, funniest and most generous man I've ever met and really handsome. We clicked sexually from the beginning too. I mention that because I thought lack of partners may make a difference. It hasn't.

I'm glad you are giving your guy a chance.

Original poster

Dietcoke111 · 13/09/2022 09:19

cottonbrain49 · 13/09/2022 09:11

Remember on Mumsnet you will have people telling you a red flag is not knowing how you take your tea in the mornings...

DH had very few relationships before meeting me. He's the kindest, funniest and most generous man I've ever met and really handsome. We clicked sexually from the beginning too. I mention that because I thought lack of partners may make a difference. It hasn't.

I'm glad you are giving your guy a chance.

I think everything can be a ‘red flag’ can’t it?
I have met guys with no red flags - all tick boxes on paper and their energy was so off I had to break off them - later finding out something awful about them
I have also had intense chemistry and butterflies with someone which was actually my intuition telling me to listen more to red flags that were obvious

OP posts:

hyperspacebug · 13/09/2022 10:01

Also why just red flag? Can we have amber flags too?

Original poster

Dietcoke111 · 13/09/2022 10:08

hyperspacebug · 13/09/2022 10:01

Also why just red flag? Can we have amber flags too?

Pink and beige flags are now a thing also 😂

OP posts:

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 13/09/2022 10:11

It is an amber flag. It might work but don't over-invest, this one may be over in 3 or 4 months. Someone who is "painfully shy" could also turn out to be quite clingy, for example, or a bit emotionally on- and- off. Over the next few weeks you'll get a feel for why he's never had a lasting relationship.

It might just be a case of the right two people at the right time. Just don't make excuses for him (like the pandemic) and don't try to force yourself to make it work if you start to feel uncomfortable.

vroom321 · 13/09/2022 10:16

I'd be more concerned about this:

I have had several relationships last a few years.

Assuming all didn't involve death / abuse / cheating.

Original poster

Dietcoke111 · 13/09/2022 10:20

vroom321 · 13/09/2022 10:16

I'd be more concerned about this:

I have had several relationships last a few years.

Assuming all didn't involve death / abuse / cheating.

All involved abuse sadly

OP posts:

vroom321 · 13/09/2022 10:21

Ok sorry for the question.

justcantgetenough · 13/09/2022 10:38

I find this thread really cruel. Stay away from shy people there rubbish at relationships!

What are we supposed to do not dare come out off our comfort zones, stay hidden away.

I'd say give him a chance but not with OP. I hope this guy finds someone who deserves his time as it's clearly not you or many folks on this thread. Instead you date the many relationships guy, only after sex etc.

Do u know how debilitating being shy is, social anxiety etc. I didn't have a relationship until I was in my 40s. But according to a lot off folks on this thread I should have stayed under my rock. Instead I pushed myself, put myself in situations that were extremely hard and try to cope with this cruel world every day.

Luckily I've learned not to care what people think off me. As this thread shows people are only interested in themselves.

Original poster

Dietcoke111 · 13/09/2022 12:10

justcantgetenough · 13/09/2022 10:38

I find this thread really cruel. Stay away from shy people there rubbish at relationships!

What are we supposed to do not dare come out off our comfort zones, stay hidden away.

I'd say give him a chance but not with OP. I hope this guy finds someone who deserves his time as it's clearly not you or many folks on this thread. Instead you date the many relationships guy, only after sex etc.

Do u know how debilitating being shy is, social anxiety etc. I didn't have a relationship until I was in my 40s. But according to a lot off folks on this thread I should have stayed under my rock. Instead I pushed myself, put myself in situations that were extremely hard and try to cope with this cruel world every day.

Luckily I've learned not to care what people think off me. As this thread shows people are only interested in themselves.

It was the best first date I had been on in a while
I am looking forward to seeing him again
I have said I find people who go from relationship to relationship a bit more unhealthy
I do not have anything against shyness - I find it endearing
My question was more around people who had expierence with others who had never had a relationship
I have made alot of poor choices in both male and female relationships in my life and I seek validation to help avoid abusive / red flag situations in the past by asking others

OP posts:

CarmenBizet · 13/09/2022 12:20

justcantgetenough · 13/09/2022 10:38

I find this thread really cruel. Stay away from shy people there rubbish at relationships!

What are we supposed to do not dare come out off our comfort zones, stay hidden away.

I'd say give him a chance but not with OP. I hope this guy finds someone who deserves his time as it's clearly not you or many folks on this thread. Instead you date the many relationships guy, only after sex etc.

Do u know how debilitating being shy is, social anxiety etc. I didn't have a relationship until I was in my 40s. But according to a lot off folks on this thread I should have stayed under my rock. Instead I pushed myself, put myself in situations that were extremely hard and try to cope with this cruel world every day.

Luckily I've learned not to care what people think off me. As this thread shows people are only interested in themselves.

But according to a lot off folks on this thread I should have stayed under my rock. Instead I pushed myself, put myself in situations that were extremely hard and try to cope with this cruel world every day.

When it comes to romantic relationships, nobody owes you their time or attention or attraction. This 'poor me' bitter mentality towards people who have every right to decide what sort of person they wish to date is so unattractive. Nobody is telling you you should stay under your rock ffs. They're saying that they wouldn't date someone with no past relationship experience/history.

What are we supposed to do not dare come out off our comfort zones, stay hidden away.

You're supposed to work on yourself, yes, put yourself out there, make an effort. Well done if you have. But whether you do or not, that doesn't change the fact that you're not entitled to anyone. People get to choose who they want to date regardless of whether it hurts your feelings. Dating isn't an equal opportunity pursuit, thank god.

QweenT · 13/09/2022 12:27

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Thepeopleversuswork · 13/09/2022 12:35

Not at all. If anything I'd see it as a positive: it suggests someone who is self-sufficient and single-minded and not looking to couple off for its own sake.

mycatisannoying · 13/09/2022 13:07

Major red flag for me, I'm afraid. Give me divorced over no long-term relationship ANY day of the week.