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AIBU?

End of my tether...

10 replies

Caz2433 · 12/09/2022 07:45

We have been married a long time and have four children. I love my husband and my children but I find myself incensed by my husband's frankly gross behaviour. Lots of the stresses and strains of our family life with four very different children have reduced and we could be moving to a more sophisticated way of living.... HOWEVER the bathroom sink is regularly left covered in shaving foam and hairs, his shower (I do not use it) is blocked with soap, hair and slime, things are left all over the kitchen after any low-level food preparation process he is involved in, there is no discretion about where or how he leaves his dirty boxers, the toilet brush is not used sufficiently regularly... and then he is disappointed when I do not find him desirable in bed. Occasionally I am able to blank out the horrors and be loving but it is becoming harder. No matter how many times I tell him that what happens outside the bed affects what happens inside the bed he continues to behave like a well-educated slob. Add to this his default energy-sapping lack of enthusiasm for making any plans that might bring a bit of fun into our life means I am not sure about anything...is it possible to retrain husbands/partners to behave with more consideration and to zap up their positivity? I have tried to give him a heads up by sharing my view that "the reason women like me leave men like you is because a frequent response to any proposal is a enthusiasm-crushing, confidence-sapping statement "I am not sure". Two major things that are just not working in my life. Am I being unreasonable????

OP posts:
Maunderingdrunkenly · 12/09/2022 07:48

I think you’ve got the ick
Also he doesn’t see the problem, so it’s unlikely he’ll put much effort into changing.
presumably you’ve already put this all into crystal clear terms to him?

Stickmansmum · 12/09/2022 07:48

No you’re not. Only you can decide if he brings enough other things to your life. But are you beginning to think you’re better off alone?

Elfrazzle · 12/09/2022 07:51

I this is a huge issue in long term relationships. Men ( I've not heard of a woman acting like this) start acting like children which hugely changes the dynamic in a relationship. They then wonder why women are not interested in having sex.

dizzydizzydizzy · 12/09/2022 07:52

YANBU. It is incredibly disrespectful to the
Rest of the family to leave such a mess behind your day-to-day activities. And you have been fair enough to honestly explain how it makes you feel. Your DH sounds like my DP. My friend refers to him as the King of the Castle.

LizzieSiddal · 12/09/2022 07:55

You have 5 children to clear up after, one is your H and that is not attractive.

He can’t be bothered to make an effort to clean up after himself around the house despite you asking him to so he shouldn’t be surprised if you don’t make the effort to have sex with him.

Alonelonelyloner · 12/09/2022 07:59

My now ex was like this. I had 20 years of him getting worse and worse - just never taking care of himself and being grossly messy all the damn time. I just felt deeply ashamed all the time and we would never have sex. Ever. I just couldn't.
Now we've split up he is doing all those things he never bothered with before. Good for him, but what a shame.
Anyway, YANBU. Life is too short to parent an extra child.

TwowaystoUrmston · 12/09/2022 08:13

I once said to DH 'don't make me parent you because I will (naturally) lose any desire to have sex with you' and it's 100% true, I would. It baffles me why some men (I have also never known a woman do this) behave like this and are then surprised when the sex dries up, I mean who wants to shag someone who has reverted to acting like a dependent child?! I wonder what your DH would say if you told him you felt your relationship was becoming more like mother/son? Hmm

Ofcourseshecan · 12/09/2022 08:25

I would find it hard to live with someone dirty and energy-sapping. Sorry I have no useful advice. Can you afford a cleaner?

TravellingJack · 12/09/2022 08:26

My ex wasn't this bad but there were a few signs. He still expected sex, which turned into just another chore on my list, somewhere near the bottom tbh, after doing the food shop, cooking, all housework, all admin, all childcare, while working fulltime... hence now an ex.

DP OTOH has to be stopped from doing too much because I feel guilty if he's doing it all! He likes feeling useful and busy, and tells me to relax and rubs my feet. Funnily enough I rather like having sex with him 😂

BackOfff · 12/09/2022 08:42

Yep, been there, the last straw for me was when his 'cooking' ruined one of my cooking pots. No, don't fuck with my kitchen😁. The sad part is, he is now doing this to our grown up daughter, saying he's starving so she will cook for him, long term coercive bullshit. Angry Mom, yes l fucking am.

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