To ask if this is normal teen behaviour?

[beebopper6]

My DS is going through the last year of school and he gets stressed by the pressures of schoolwork. We encourage him to work hard to the point of not falling behind but we are very far from tiger parents.

He has taken drugs now and then before with friends and smoked a joint in the house when we were out. We were very firm that we wouldn't tolerate drugs or smoking in the house, and expect him not to do either out of the house either.

We had an incident where he got a bottle of vodka from a friend and drank 2/3 of it at home while we were all in the house unawares (he put it into a water bottle) and he crashed in the living room armchair drunk off his skull. DH slept on the floor next to him that night in case he was sick or needed help.

The next day he was very remorseful but says he feels stressed and out of control with school. He said sometimes he gets flashes of suicidal thoughts. I took him to the GP for a mental health assessment that day just in case.

The GP said she didn't feel he was a serious suicide risk based on her lengthy assessment and she also said the drinking and smoking etc were normal teenage experimentation. She did give some recommendations to talk to the school about.

Today I found evidence that he smoked on the balcony again which was annoying and DH will talk to him again.

So is this all normal for a teen?? I don't know because I was very straight-laced and hated getting drunk, never smoked.

Also he is a pretty decent person, doesn't get angry much and treats others well. I just can't help feeling worried about how he'll turn out.

It’s so difficult to answer that sadly the drug culture which was a taboo and no no for us is more common place and accepted as the norm
the drinking and drug do sound like teen age experimenting . The problem is when it stops becoming and experimental and becomes part of the norm and a regular habit

Pretty normal. My worry would be he’s doing it in an attempt to find a coping mechanism which can be risky. Can you help him try other things like exercise, mindfulness etc?

He sounds a nice lad. He must be what about 17?

Experimenting with drugs, overdoing the booze, sneaking in a cig or a vape, mood crashes, yes all normal. Doesn't happen to all of course, and is not in any way something you should let slide, but has certainly happened with my 2 along with many of their mates, and children of my mates.

You have my sympathy, it's a rough time to be a parent.

Drinking, smoking and drugs can be normal for teens although back in my day it was something we did socially and not at home and this combined with his suicidal thoughts worries me a bit more. It sounds like he is self medicating to some extent and if I were you I wouldn't be entirely dismissed by the gp's assessment. Keep and eye on him, keep talking to to him, try and engage him in your life and his own social life a bit. Any sign of suicidal thoughts again then please go back to the gp.

Does he have hobbies? Does he socialise? It might be worth investing a bit of time and money in making that happen for him to stop him being at home and focusing on negative thoughts.

When I was a teen yes all these were normal in the range of peers. The statistics show drinking and smoking are less common now but drug taking and vaping more common. Doing these things as a teen does not mean your child will end up off the rails in a serious way.

I'd want to talk with my child more about the stress and suicidal thoughts, these are the more worrying parts of your post.

What does your teen enjoy doing? Do you spend much time with them? Do they have interests that make them happy?

Having a cigarette is nothing OP (I mean, not nothing, it's a hideous habit, etc), but on the scale of teenage rebellion and experimentation it's quite tame. I know you were strait laced but he has a different brain and also society is a hell of a lot more different to when you and me were young (a lot worse for teens if you ask me, living under a mad social media bubble, COVID and God knows what else). So don't compare him to you. One of my parents does that all the time but what I don't tell them is that they weren't around at all and a mix of no guidance and druggy siblings meant I was constantly surrounded by bad influences and of course you end up losing your way a bit (but found my way back without any help from them). You just don't know what they're dealing with.

All I can say is leave the lines of communication open, be clear with boundaries, etc. It's a hard time, lots of teens go through this kind of phase unfortunately. I'd almost say better now for the first time than at uni when things can really spiral out of control with endless freedom and no supervision. And talk to him if you haven't already about the exact way his hormones are working - and how they interact with drugs and alcohol, how they're more likely as teens to get into risky behaviour because of the way their brains are developing, etc. As much under control he can get his feelings and hormones, the better!

The fact that you are asking here I think shows that you are still uncertain and not reassured by the GP. I did the same and was told all normal teenage behaviour which I was surprised about even though I was a wild teen.

The major issue here is the suicidal thoughts. There is a mental health explosion at the moment which you can see from forums and in real life from parents,teachers and health workers. Your son probably knows many at school with mental health issues which manifest in different ways and maybe this is one, maybe it isn't.
Please research and find helpful advice or someone for your son to talk to professionally. I would say don't panic but don't wait.

It’s completely normal, but the drinking alone less so.

Find him a counsellor experienced in adolescents who can help him find some coping strategies for school and be an outlet for him.

He's not drinking socially and this is worrying, he's trying to cope with something.
Try and speak to mental health charities as soon as possible and get advice, and in the kindest way, time may be crucial. I speak from experience.

I think the fact that he's doing it in the house, rather than in the park with mates is screaming out for attention from you. Trying to unpick why won't be easy, but I'd give it some serious thought and meanwhile give him lots of positive attention.

What he's doing is within "normal", just not right under your nose. Many teens experiment when off with friends and try to hide it from their parents.

Thank you for the replies. I agree that it does look like an unhealthy coping mechanism. May do some more investigating..

All of this is very normal.

Obviously it’s not ideal, but millions of teens do go through this phase.

I have two teens one year 11 and one in year 1 of college. I would say experimenting at this age is fairly usual behaviour. The older of my two got very drunk once and I think learned the hard way that it wasn’t much fun! They certainly didn’t get any sympathy from us. They wouldn’t however dare do anything like that in the house. It’s definitely something I would keep an eye on as he’s expressed that he did it as he wasn’t coping.