AIBU?
About DH and ladder
Getofftheladder · 11/09/2022 20:05
Trivial I know, but this has really upset me. Got home from work today to find DH (in charge of two young kids) 2 meters up an A frame ladder wielding hedge cutter. He was standing one leg either side on second from top rung, with both hands on hedge trimmer. The ladder wasn’t on flat ground, whole garden is in a slope and very bumpy after the drought, and he was massively overreaching because the leylandii hedge is about 4 meters tall.
I asked him to stop because it’s not safe and he refused. I said I’d go buy a long reach trimmer tomorrow and he refused saying we can’t afford one (we are stretched and not affluent but yes we can afford one) and I pointed out it’s cheaper than loosing his job if he falls of and seriously injures himself.
What followed was about 90 minutes of me begging him to stop, begging him to listen to me, and him getting grumpy that I was nagging him, then going back up the ladder as soon as I turned my back.
Eventually I got so fed up I pressed the circuit breaker and unplugged him. I’ve had years of safe ladder training drilled into me at work, and I get weekly emails with yet another death at work from fall from height (admin in building industry). I personally know friends of our family who’ve died falling off ladders whilst cutting trees.
He’s said I was totally out of order in the way I spoke to him (I stayed very calm and rational throughout). I’m now 3 hours into silent treatment. He refused to eat dinner with us.
Was I being unreasonable? I feel it’s massively unfair for him to risk his own life at the best of times but especially in front of the kids.
YABU - should have left him to it
YAMBU - he was being dangerous
Am I being unreasonable?
AIBUYou have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
girlmom21 · 11/09/2022 20:09
YABU. He's an adult. He can risk assess his own activities and you're massively undermining him.
carefullycourageous · 11/09/2022 20:09
You are right by the sound of it but he's not going to listen? The most unreasonable bit is doing it whilst in charge of two young kids.
Is it worth trying again to talk to him once he's calmed down?
Getofftheladder · 11/09/2022 20:20
girlmom21 · 11/09/2022 20:09
YABU. He's an adult. He can risk assess his own activities and you're massively undermining him.
Yes but if he falls and injures himself it massively affects me and the children.
girlmom21 · 11/09/2022 20:22
And if he dies in a car crash tomorrow it massively affects you and your children.
And if he doesn't, happy days.
Getofftheladder · 11/09/2022 20:26
girlmom21 · 11/09/2022 20:22
And if he dies in a car crash tomorrow it massively affects you and your children.
And if he doesn't, happy days.
And if he was driving at 100 miles per hour it would be wreckless driving and his fault. He would be putting himself at unnecessary risk. If he drove at 100 miles per hour with kids in the car I’d be pretty pissed off with that too.
rwalker · 11/09/2022 20:26
Up a ladder and you kicking off no matter how calmly would be the biggest distraction likely to cause an accident
SuperlativeOxymoron · 11/09/2022 20:28
You're not unreasonable for trying because the risk outways the return.
However you are unreasonable to have let it go on for 90 minutes, it would have been better to have told him you really wish he wouldn't do it, ask him to stop and then walk away hoping he doesn't hurt himself.
Yes he is being stupid and if he hurt himself it would affect you and the children, but equally on a totally cold and detached level, that's the kind of incident life insurance would cover...
girlmom21 · 11/09/2022 20:29
So do you cut off his car engine, just in case?
Offering to hold the ladder steady would have been the safer option.
Shoxfordian · 11/09/2022 20:31
Yabu for lecturing him for 90 minutes about it and acting like his Mum not his partner
Vitriolinsanity · 11/09/2022 20:31
90 minutes? I'd have cut my own head off with the strimmer.
Tiani4 · 11/09/2022 20:43
I would make sure you buy life insurance or increase it.
He won't think it'll happen to him until it does. My uncle died falling off a ladder when he was 32, leaving 4 young children and his wife
I agree with you. Your DH is an idiot and doesn't realise your concern and actions were done out of love
But also I he should not have been doing that when in sole charge of 2 young children
That's not looking after them
LimpBiskit · 11/09/2022 20:51
You could have held the ladder rather than rant for 90 mins
MrsTerryPratchett · 11/09/2022 20:54
How old were the children he was 'supervising'?
I also have to deal with lots of H&S stuff and ladders make me very nervous. DH has millions in life insurance though so if he wants to be a twat... <shrug>
Chdjdn · 11/09/2022 20:57
The bit that stands out to me here is that if DH really didn’t want me doing something because he was worried about safety then I’d go along with it based on it meaning a lot to him even if o didn’t agree and vice versa. We’ve had situations like that where one thinks the other is over reacting but we respect that wr don’t want to worry the other person to that extent
PlentyOFool · 11/09/2022 21:02
One of my friend's is married to a trauma surgeon. He hires professionals to do anything that requires a ladder/elevation and/or power tools. Because he knows how unbelievably dangerous those activities are.
I knew one guy who's dad died by being impaled on his own garden shears and another friend's husband who broke both his arms (he's a cameraman!) falling off his roof.
YANBU
swimlyn · 11/09/2022 21:08
24hrs in A&E regularly shows the sad results of risky behaviour like this.
Spouse in a wheelchair for 30 years (or so) anyone?
Teenyliving · 11/09/2022 21:23
Of course you were being reasonable.
there are some VERY dumb people commenting on this thread.
holding the ladder wouldn’t have helped if the issues were also the reach to the hedge trimmmer.
butbit also shows he is unable to respect and e face with so done else’s view point and honour your own (e tiredly reasonable fears)
at the end of the day - what was the big drama for him if he did stop. The problem was his ridiculous ego.
billy1966 · 11/09/2022 21:24
Whatva moron.
Completely reckless.
Large garden here and at times years ago my husband might do jobs like that before I organised someone to do it all.
I would have always held the end of ladder with my foot and if was solid and level.
Some years ago the brother of his colleague fell whilst putting Christmas lights up, utter devastation for his entire family when he died.
These accidents happen and families are left broken after them.
He needs to cop himself on.
You were correct in your action and I would be SO pissed off that he doesn't get it and behaves in such a reckless manner.
Getofftheladder · 11/09/2022 21:25
Coulddowithanap · 11/09/2022 21:11
Did you offer to foot the ladder for him?
I did for about 20 mins but I had to go sort kids out.
The job wasn’t urgent, long handled cutters cost about £150, it could have waited until tomorrow.
Getofftheladder · 11/09/2022 21:27
billy1966 · 11/09/2022 21:24
Whatva moron.
Completely reckless.
Large garden here and at times years ago my husband might do jobs like that before I organised someone to do it all.
I would have always held the end of ladder with my foot and if was solid and level.
Some years ago the brother of his colleague fell whilst putting Christmas lights up, utter devastation for his entire family when he died.
These accidents happen and families are left broken after them.
He needs to cop himself on.
You were correct in your action and I would be SO pissed off that he doesn't get it and behaves in such a reckless manner.
I’m glad you get it.
I know two people who fell off ladders and died (friends of parents). It’s an unnecessary and very real risk.
Getofftheladder · 11/09/2022 21:31
Chdjdn · 11/09/2022 20:57
The bit that stands out to me here is that if DH really didn’t want me doing something because he was worried about safety then I’d go along with it based on it meaning a lot to him even if o didn’t agree and vice versa. We’ve had situations like that where one thinks the other is over reacting but we respect that wr don’t want to worry the other person to that extent
Yes that’s what gets me most. If he was massively upset or worried about something I was doing I’d stop rather than cause distress.
Goodness me the amount of stuff I didn’t do last year because he was utterly terrified of catching covid.
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