To not want MIL to visit on DD's birthday

[TeenyQueen]

DH is LC with his mum and I don't really have anything to do with their relationship, I leave it completely to him.
We haven't seen MIL since DD was 3 months old and DH randomly messaged MIL inviting her to visit us during DD's birthday. A nice idea maybe, but here are my issues.

1. DD doesn't know MIL at all, they have no relationship at all and she wouldn't recognise MIL if she walked past us. I want her birthday to be all about her and not some lady she doesn't know.

1. We're having a party for some friends and their children so the house will be busy. MIL doesn't speak much English and is very shy with strangers so it would be up to DH to entertain her and keep her company rather than host the party. DD doesn't speak or understand MIL's native language.

1. Due to DH's work schedule MIL would have to arrive on DD's actual birthday, so he'd have to leave me alone to host the party and look after baby DS and DD to pick her up from the train. I would absolutely manage, but it would also be strange for MIL to arrive in the middle of a kiddy party, and she wouldn't really get to interact with DD during the party when she's busy playing.

I have no issues with MIL visiting as long as DH organises everything, but I just think doing it on DD's actual birthday when we have a party would be too much hassle. DD will be 4 btw. AIBU?

DH didn't check with you first?

Sounds like DH will have to reschedule his work commitments.

He invited a low contact parent that you haven't had anything to do with to stay in your home without discussing it with you at all?

This doesn't make sense. Either he isn't really LC and they have been in touch or he had mentioned it to you in some form.

@Midlifemusings it was MIL's birthday recently, so I think that prompted him to invite her because he was thinking about her. We've talked about her visiting but didn't discuss an actual date. As far as I'm aware DH messages him mum a couple of times a month and Christmas etc.

If DD doesnt know her grannie, then her birthday is a perfect time to start re-familiarising both of them with each other. Telling MIL to stay away on a special isn't going to bridge the gap is it?

Mil not speaking English is neither here nor there. Where there is 'love' and a 'will' to bridge the gap this doesn't matter. MIL is the grandmother of the celebrant so this can easily be worked around. She only needs to nod, smile and sit quietly enjoying the goings on.

Your No.3 reason is unclear. How does going to pick someone up from the train station a reason for them not to come at all? admit to yourself, you really are looking for any reason for MIL just not to come. If you wanted her to come you would manage fine, and whats wrong with her arriving in the middle of a 'kiddy' party?? why don't you leave her to worry about when to interact with her grand-daughter, I doubt she's going to yank her away from pass-the-parcel to interact with her?

I have no issues with MIL visiting

Oh yes you do! you listed all the reasons above!

Perhaps he is rethinking the low contact idea, and maybe he invited her on a whim.
It would be a low pressure time for her to meet your daughter- surely there would be more stress if there were less people around?
How long will he really take picking her up?
I would let the invitation stand. Can you ask a friend/ relative to help out when your husband isn’t around?

And your mil being there won’t take the focus off your daughter- how could it?

Was there something really agregious that led to his low contact and you going NC?

@Midlifemusings MIL wasn't the best mum according to DH, physically and emotionally abusive and assumed that DH would be the ' man of the house' and sort out bills, doctors' appointments etc because she didn't speak English. If you asked MIL she'd say that she was an excellent mother because her children have done well in their careers.

DH has been on/off LC and NC over the years. MIL seemed excited about DD at first when she was born but she's never received presents or cards for birthdays or Christmas and MIL hasn't visited us for years. We've been back to her hometown twice but both times MIL was busy.

Why ok earth did DH invite her without checking with you?

Leave it all to him to deal with don't lift a finger.

He invited a low contact parent that you haven't had anything to do with to stay in your home without discussing it with you at all.

This is a good summary. It's right that DH is taking responsibility for hosting DM, but this will probably end up occupying all/most of his time on DD's birthday given their relationship, language barrier, etc.

I'm by no means an expert on 4 year olds, but might it be overwhelming/confusing to introduce DD to granny for the first time at her own birthday party, when there are lots of other people around? Personally I think the day should be about DD, and seperate time should be arranged to introduce granny in a more controlled way (because let's face it a pre-school birthday party is going to be a chaotic).

@nachoavocado I know DH definitely didn't mean any harm and it was likely a spontaneous spur of the moment thing.

I've suggested the weekend after, DH didn't initially see my point about having to leave the party to collect MIL from the train and everyone feeling awkward because DD doesn't know her and the language barrier etc.

To my knowledge MIL hasn't actually replied to DH yet, and she probably doesn't know when DD's birthday is!

I think it would be a nice way for her to be around family but your child will be playing and having fun so there will be none of the awkward’now we all have to talk’ moments. I think it’s weird people asking why your dh invited his mother without consulting you, we just say ‘oh x is coming’. I think you’re overthinking it which is fair enough, birthday planning can be stressful!!!

I think it’s fine for her to come but DH should arrange his work so she can arrive at a different time.

Or he could take baby DS with him to collect her? Depending on how he is in the car.

DH finally agreed with me (after realising that we are going to have a house full of young children and their parents) and so the visit has been scheduled for the weekend after.

I had a pretty neutral but respectful relationship with MIL until DD was born, but her first visit to see her as a newborn really upset me. Her second visit was a bit better but I would be lying if I was excited about seeing her.

She has never sent DD a birthday or Christmas card/present, no phone calls or Facetime to try to get to know her, yet she put photos of DD on her Facebook page without our permission.

Well she'll get her photo op with our adorable DC so she can look like granny of the year, and then she'll be off on her merry way.

@stayathomer we live quite far from both of our families so if anyone visits it'll be for the whole day or several days, which does require a bit of planning because of DD's activities.

I think if you invite someone to stay overnight at your home you do need to discuss it with your OH, it's different if it's just a quick visit for a couple of hours.

Moreover, MIL is quite hard work because she expects everything to be done for her and expects to be entertained. I have two young DC to look after I can't really speak to her because of the language barrier.

This.