To have no sympathy for my OH

[CompassionFatigues]

For the duration of our relationship he has not once seen a dentist. He has a broken tooth at the back which has been causing him problems for ages and lord knows what else needs doing but he would never have it seen to.

I've been badgering him to see a dentist for years but there was always an excuse for why he couldn't, from not having the money (we did) to him not having time when he could easily find the time. I do.

About 18 months ago he was suffering with moderate pain so he finally relented and signed up to a dentist, only to never bother going to the appointment. Whenever he had pain he'd just take pain killers and spend a few days moaning and groaning about it.

Now over the last few months the pain is back, coming and going. I went over his head and tried to get him a dentist appointment - he's no longer on the books as he didn't turn up before or make any further appointments. NHS 111 didn't call back when I tried to get him an emergency apt. No local dentists are taking on.

He has got up this morning clutching his face and doing this dramatic shuffle which happens atleast once a week along with an exaggerated pain voice.

We're going on holiday tomorrow and have lots to do before then. I'm afraid to say I don't feel sympathy whatsoever now and see it merely as an inconvenience now.

He could have seen a dentist years ago instead of letting whatever the issues are just continue to progress. The way I see it is if it was that bad he'd have done something about it. If you're not going to help yourself you forefit the right to complain.

He can see I'm not buying into the "poor you darling" and miraculously the exaggerated pain voice Haa vanished 🙄

AIBU to have no sympathy for him?

I see I probably sound quite awful but it's incredibly frustrating.

As you already know, he's going to be in serious trouble with infection if he's not careful.

We wanted to change dentist & the private one here has closed their list as it's over 250 people long. Like gold dust a good dentist.

Why doesn’t he go? Fear or laziness

Don't blame you at all! YANBU. Is he scared of the dentist or just can't be bothered to go?

Presumably, he's terrified of the dentist?

I can understand why you've no sympathy. I can't understand how you're still with him tbh!

But phobias are very difficult so I suppose you should have sympathy with that. Maybe what he needs isn't a dentist appointment, but some therapy/hypnosis to get him over his fear of dentists.

I think it's a combination of fear and laziness. He expressed wanting to be sedated for procedures if he ever did go.

Three years ago I lost a dear friend to sepsis just a few short months after having sepsis myself. My friend was complaining of debilitating mouth pain in the week leading up to his death but couldn't find a dentist for love nor money.

It gives me the rage to see him being so cavalier when he knows the damage infections can do. He doesn't give a toss.

Tooth infections can affect the heart - he needs to get this sorted.

I’m going to take a punt that the marriage is generally a little shit at mum? Aside from this issue

He’s a fucking idiot. Truly.

Name change fail?

Apart from the pain of a sore tooth, gingivitis can affect the heart and other organs.

Does he brush and floss regularly and try to maintain his dental hygiene?

I had an ex who had back pain sometimes. Whenever she was fine she wouldn’t discuss it or see anyone about it. When she had the pain, if I even mentioned that she should have done something last time I got told that wasn’t helpful, or sympathetic, she couldn’t do anything right now so I should just shut up.

Most people don't know that you don't have to be registered with a dentist in the same way you do with a GP - you can go to any one. Unless your DP is fully exempt from being charged for NHS services (e.g. on universal credit or equivalent), then the only advantage of going to an NHS one is that it can sometimes be a bit cheaper but often there's not much in it - e.g my local NHS dentist a filling comes under band 2 so you have to pay £65.20, the private dentist down the road charges £74.

So if it's that bad he'd be better off just ringing around anywhere in the local area that will see him, either wherever you go on holiday (if it's in the uk), or at home, if he can wait until you get back.

But no, YABU to not feel sympathy, sounds like completely his own fault!

As others have said, left untreated an infected tooth can cause serious problems.

not long ago I had a small chip on a molar and thought it was fine. I was struggling to book an appointment with my dentist as apparently it was not an emergency.
to cut a long story short overnight I developed a fever and started having a high heart rate. My face swelled. The tooth had actually become infected through this tiny crack and the roots were abscesses . It was extracted on the spot and I needed two weeks of strong antibiotics. The dentist told me I was probably a week away from it becoming a serious medical emergency

your partner needs to get it seen
YANBU. At all.

To add whilst trying to get an appointment I was on a painkillers round the clock for two weeks leading up to that stage.

I also have little sympathy when people do nothing for themselves. As you say some people are desperate for help but can’t get in with a dentist or afford private. At this stage I would (resentfully) play mother and make a first appointment for him