Will he ever change

[Fedupwithitx]

First time posting, looking for some impartial advice especially if anyone has been in a similar situation.
I've been with DP (M.30) for about 10 years. We have a toddler DS. DP has always been fond of nights out in the pub with friends, often last minute after work. His job is particularly strenuous and it is common for himself and work mates to have drinks after. He has improved since our DS was born but not enough in my opinion, he still goes out once every 3-4 days.
I am now getting extremely fed up of it. He is taking on extra shifts due to the need to move to a bigger place and the cost of living crisis. I have been ok with this even though it makes my life very difficult. I WFH 3 days a week, although I was working FT up until a few months ago. I also mind our DS every day and do the vast majority of the housework/ all the family mental load. I am exhausted.

When he is present (ie. Not hungover or in the pub) he is a great father and partner and pulls his weight around the house. I am just so sick of sacrificing any free time so he can work more, when money is just being spent in the pub. When i speak to him about it he is very apologetic, improves for about a week but then just does it again.
I am fed up of the same arguments and feeling so let down. I guess I just wanted to know if anyone had been in a similar situation and their partner has actually changed in time, or am I being an idiot and should just end it now to avoid another 20+ years of this.

My IABU :
YABU: give him another chance to change.
YANBU: he will never change, you are being a pushover.

You've given him "another chance" every day for a decade. What do you think will be different about his 3653rd chance?

You haven’t been an idiot, but you have been very naive. He won’t change. He doesn’t want to. He doesn’t have to. His priorities aren’t you or your toddler. He insults you by apologising because you both know he doesn’t mean it.

ENd it

Nope

Yeah you're being used. An apology means nothing of the same behaviour is repeated.

He will never change. I think you already know this.

Question is moving forward for you. Go see a solicitor and get some advice for divorce. You may find you're better off.

Sorry OP but he will not change, what’s the point in taking on extra shifts for him to piss it up the wall spending it in the pub!
I suggest you air your feelings with DP and express your frustration on the situation. Do you have free time? Nights out with your friends? Are you feeling left out? I feel you are in need of one! We don’t know your DP to suggest you leave or tell you to upheave your life. You’re the only one who can decide. Big hugs. X

I said yabu but only because I'd have further conversations before ending it. I think you're perfectly within your rights to feel as you do and I'd be annoyed as well. I'd sit him down again and explain that his going to the pub so often means you aren't able to get any down time in your week and you need help as you are also working plus shouldering the bulk of the childcare. I'd suggest making an agreement with him along the lines of be can go out x amount of nights where he let's you know in advance and in return you can also go out x times for the activity of your choosing whether that be night out with friends or gym/ hairdressers/undisturbed evening in the bath whatever you fancy to balance it out. I think you need to tell him that it's getting to the point where you are feeling you can't trust him to prioritise your and ds needs and stick to his word and you are at the point where you are considering going it alone but you wanted to give him a last chance to change. I'd also explore why he is so keen to go to the pub, is he generally a big drinker? Has he always been or has this increased? He needs to find better ways to manage his work stress or his alcohol intake because even if he was going for one drink, coming home and was fit to help and wasn't hungover that would probably be easier to manage. It's making me question if he's using alcohol to manage his stress and is becoming a little too dependent on it which is why he's not able to stick to his apology and make changes? If that's the case I'd recommend he gets some support with that and looks at better coping strategies.

Wait, so he took more shifts to earn more to deal with cost of living, yet still chooses to piss it up the wall twice a week? How does that benefit you/ your family?

@Cw112 @MumofMonstersx3 Thanks so much for taking the time to respond, before our DC was born we both loved going out, together and separately. However, I have prioritised family life and he says he has, but hasn't shown it. I don't feel I need to go out as often, very happy to relax at home, but exactly as mentioned him going to the pub means I have very little time to myself. I am very easygoing in terms of him going on 'pre-planned nights out. But I feel he is now taking the piss completely. I have told him this, and tried to get him to stick to these arrangements. So unfortunately anything I say to him will just be a repeated argument.

@tickticksnooze @AnneLovesGilbert @SwordToFlamethrower If I had read this thread as an outsider, I would more than likely say the same thing. Hard to hear IRL but my thoughts exactly. Difficult because we get on so well normally and he is a great father, but this issue will keep coming up

Is the money shared? Start taking the same as he spends out of the account. When he notices things getting tighter let him know how. My exh had a golf /drinking /pool lifestyle. When I started spending similar he went nuts.

Exh.

So unfortunately anything I say to him will just be a repeated argument.

Don't repeat what you said before. He already knows what that was and already apologised and promised to do better.
Let him know that you are thinking of ending the relationship because he hasn't changed.
Ask him how he sees things improving .

If he understands the relationship may end because of his behaviour, yet doesn't change, you have your answer .

When you explained that its weird and not normal to work extra shifts because you need the money for him to drink it away? That is insanity right there.

He won't change. You can try and have a proper relationship conversation (as opposed too just going out convo) but be prepared to not hear him say what he will do to keep you in his life. Don't accept apologies unless it comes with clear cut plans, otherwise he could be using them as a well to temporarily shut you up.

Don't make any firm plans to move to a bigger house. You really can't afford it. Things need to change and stay changed for at least a year.

I have to agree with @Mxyzptlk If he knew you was seriously considering ending the relationship there could be a chance maybe a slim chance but sometimes people have to lose or almost lose what they love to see the consequences of their actions x

He's choosing to work more instead of drinking less. Your family is the bottom of his priority list.

@Creepymanonagoatfarm finances arent shared, we each cover some bills, him more than me. Split rent etc. but yes this would be a good idea.@Pixiedust1234 definitely not planning a move any time soon when I cant trust him.

@MumofMonstersx3 the frustrating thing is we have had a few ultimatums in the past. He never actually leaves when I tell him to. We've discussed having more kids but its hard being in this position with one child, so I need to make a decision now. Some of the friends he is out with have GFs/DC at home too, so I feel he uses this as an excuse. I've told him I don't care whether they put up with it or not. I have my own boundaries. Just so sick of repeating myself. Feel I might be happier co-parenting, as I will be less resentful all the time.

So my take on this is a little different from everyone elses on this thread, sorry if it's not what you want to hear. What he's doing is absolutely not fair on your family, however its important to think about why he's doing it/what he's feeling as well. It's easy to say 'he doesnt prioritise your family that's why he keeps doing it' but from what i understand he is taking extra shifts at work as an effort to help the family. If he wanted to avoid family life, didn't care about you and wanted to drink in all of his free time HE would be the one leaving you and he wouldn't be this great dad you know he is when he's around. He'd be blatantly disinterested.

As someone who overworks out of necessity myself, i can recognise the patterns of irrational spending and developing bad habits relating to taking on more shifts and therefore putting strain on your work/life balance, it affects mental health massively. In the circumstance of overworking, its normal to feel the need to spend money on yourself so that you can comprehend 1st hand that hard work is paying off. Its easy to say that making money to help the family should feel rewarding enough, but for our silly brains its just not the same simple action/reward response.

My advice would maybe be that before you jump to the final straw: 'shall i cut it off or not'.. first try to understand how he is feeling regarding his work/life balance, why he feels like he needs to spend money at the pub, let him feel that opening up to you is a safe place. Talking about mental health is hard for men, but if you can get to a space where they feel comfortable... oh my god do issues resolve themselves, and things start to make sense. Remember that although these problems are his doing, its the job of both of you to put in effort to resolve them, and that is worth doing for the benefit of your family.

It will never change.

I told my DH I was leaving 3 months for very similar reasons: I was deadly serious and I showed him my workings out of our finances and all my plans. It shouldn’t have had to be that way but it seems to have shocked him enough to make changes; it’s not been a long time and sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision and if he’ll keep it up but I wanted to give our family one last chance and to know that I’d given it my all.
Following on from what previous person said it helped for me and DH to talk about why he behaves as he does; one big thing that came out of it is that he’s never developed stress coping mechanisms beyond drinking so looking for something else to help with this has helped massively. Same with how working is wrapped up in his self esteem and how this goes back to his childhood and family expectations. I also haven’t expected him to not drink entirely and we work into our lives opportunities for him to have nights out and for me to do the same or have other time to myself

Maybe he should try saving money by not spending it in the pub, rather than having to make more.

I'm sorry but in my experience he never changed, even after years and years of me asking him to spend a bit of time with us. The phrase "better to walk alone than be badly accompanied" resonated with me. And also that you can be lonelier when you're with the wrong person than you can when you are alone (or something like that). I am so,so much happier now than I was with him, although it's not easy.

Family life doesn't suit every man sadly and some of them can be extremely selfish, especially when they know you are there to do all the donkey work of bringing up the kids.