To ask if you stopped feeling like ‘you’ at any point in your marriage/LTR?

[Ihearyouwentuptosaratoga]

Namechanged. Been with DH a long time (20 plus years), we have a good life and 4 lovely kids all over 10. Life is pretty good compared to many, though we’ve had our fair share of stress and have little in the way of family support…but lots of close friends around us.

Last few years haven’t been great. Lots of career wobbles (him) peri menopause (me), and I feel something between us has died. Historically we are strong, no infidelity or abuse…he’s not brilliant at communicating but at the same time very loving. People seem to think we’re one of those fantastic couples. He’s funny and smart socially, at home he can be a bit of a grumpy git…nothing major…Anyway. Increasingly I’m happier when he’s not around - away for work or out etc. I feel lighter, easier, more like myself. It’s horrible to acknowledge…but it’s true. Anyone else feel (or has felt) this? Wondering if it spells anything other than the end tbh

I feel like this. Abet only 6 years in… maybe it spells out your needs and he needs to hear and respect them! Also , neeeds can change. In 2005 you can need one thing in 2025 you can need another.

I think marriage is very overrated and it's made harder because the reality you're describing is something society still doesn't like to face. It still wants needs to sell fairy stories... or demons... but nothing in the middle. You've done well at 20yrs but I think its just a matter of luck if you find someone with whom the relationship continues to spark so many years later. Shame society couldn't be more honest to reduce the angst and shame people feel.

I agree so much with this.

Oh god. Yes, But I had no clue. Ex walked out, I spent hours and hours and hours researching a particular period of history from a style and fashion point of view. It was all beautifully organise on Pinterest and kept my turbulent mind occupied during a difficult time,. At the time, as far as I was concerned, it was an out of the blue interest, something I had had no interest in in the past. Fast forward 5 years and I’m teaching a book that I had long loved but with an unusual background and on a different email address, I make a Pinterest page full of background information, and then, amusingly, Pinterest matches me with myself, telling me we have pins in common and why don’t I have a closer look….. with the help of a therapist, it was unravelled. When ex walked out, the old me surfaced immediately, Only the old me was so deeply buried, I didn’t recognise myself. It took 5 long years, and a bit of a lucky coincidence, for me to remember who I had once been and what my interests used to be, even if I hadn’t pursued then in quite the same way. It was a hard lesson but believe me, no man will ever be able to take so much of me away again. Relationships are supposed to be supportive, encouraging. It shouldn’t have taken so bloody long to find myself again. Breath, OP. Enjoy the air. Then work out where to go next.

Yes I feel I'm a little less me in my marriage.

I love DH but our interests have taken us in different directions.

I feel the real me has got a bit lost somewhere, all the responsibilities of adulthood and parenting have squashed the fun out of me.

Thanks all. I don’t know if i think marriage is really to ‘blame’ as such, more that increasingly I’m happier and feel more like myself when DH isn’t with me. Went on holiday with friends recently, DH came later because of work. Felt like I was relaxed until he arrived, but as soon as he did I was tense 😥

I feel the same, different directions, different interests and the PA bs I put up with at 19 is grating on my every nerve at 42.
Can't afford to separate though so what do we do??

I’ve felt the same around peri.
I think you need to decide if you want to be alone with all the positives and negatives that brings, or if you’re happy to settle for company and security.

He's funny and clever socially. He's not brilliant at communicating with you. He's grumpy at home. This is the problem. You're tense because you're walking on eggshells.

@Takenoprisoner - I do feel like I’m walking on eggshells and feel so sick of it. I know the advice will be ‘get counselling’ but, whilst I’m a big fan of therapy and have had it myself in the past, I think DH would be very reluctant…

Absolutely. I left my first marriage because I felt like this and this is why I would almost certainly not get married again.

@testerwiki is absolutely right: marriage is hugely hugely over-rated. It's a mainly financial construct which evolved to provide protection to children, to women for the lost income during child-rearing years and providing men with domestic support. Its an exchange of value which provides a lot of financial stability but this comes at a huge cost in that most couples don't remain emotionally bonded for decades on end and end up stuck together in a way which doesn't support their emotional needs.

Its the most artificial situation and emotionally so unlikely to work: building a lifetime bond out of the fact that you once fancied each other is a crazy way to structure your life. I find it more surprising how many couples actually stay together.

I think if you have a partner who is honourable and trustworthy and allows you the space to do what you want to do that's about the best you can ask for tbh. Most marriages eventually run out of road, whether the couple chooses to act on this or not.

In your situation it does sound like you've both reached the end. How would he feel about a split?

I felt this at the end of my 20yr marriage too. Everyone thought we had the best marriage, but it really wasn't. I started going on solo holidays just to get away from him. His mere presence just used to make me tense.

The relationship may have run its course. I used to miss husband if he was away, now I can't wait for him to go as it's bliss when he's away

I think 20 years in this is normal , sadly. It is for me - I feel similar.
i think your husband sounds like a lot of men - I don’t know why they can turn on the charm socially but then at home it’s like living with a grumpy teenager.
not sure what the answer is other than speaking to him about it. I don’t think it means it’s the end - I think it’s just how things get to sadly after so long. But it doesn’t have to.
splitting would seem drastic - such big upheaval for feeling ‘Meh’. When nothing cataclysmic has happened (eg infidelity). It does for me anyway.

Thanks all.

@Thepeopleversuswork - interesting. You are right that it's crazy we build our whole lives around an initial attraction. But your point about 'if you have a partner who is honourable and trustworthy and allows you the space to do what you want to do that's about the best you can ask for tbh' - has given me pause. DH is all of those things, I read about some of the situations on here and feel lucky to have a partner who isn't abusive or unfaithful....and yet I can't seem to shake this eggshells feeling. He is definitely getting grumpier as he gets older, which isn't helping. I feel like he's hyper-critical sometimes (though I am sure he would say the same of me).

@Ihearyouwentuptosaratoga

BTW I'm not saying that the fact he isn't abusive or unfaithful means you need to stick it out. If its not working for you you are totally within your rights to leave (I appreciate its probably more complicated than this, but its not your "responsibility" to grit your teeth and stick it out).

I guess the point I was trying to make is that I believe marriage is fundamentally flawed as an emotional foundation for a happy life. Particularly for women. If it doesn't make you happy (and it doesn't make a lot of us happy), the flaw is with the institution of marriage as opposed to being with either of the parties in the marriage.

I just don't believe its realistic for two people to have their emotional needs fulfilled by the same person at 50 who fulfilled them at 20. It works out well for a small fraction of people (mainly it seems to work for those not really capable of much emotional or intellectual growth), its disastrous for a lot of people and the remainder seem to just make their peace with it in order not to rock the boat but without much joy or self-realisation. It's an outdated institution which has continued benefits for children and financial stability but comes at a very high price for the two married people.

In other words, its not you and its not him, its marriage.

He is not a nice, loving man. He is taking you for granted and doesn't respect you much. Ask yourself, why doesn't he behave in an uncommunicative, grumpy, sullen manner socially? Because he wouldn't have many friends. Not many people would put up with that. Why does he behave like that with you? Because he can get away with it. The more closely you look at the dynamics here, the more you will see that this works for him, and doesn't work for you.

I would recommend pulling back a little emotionally and practically in doing things that benefit only him, so you can get a clearer picture of your marriage, and yourself. Journalling is really good for making sense of things. If he refuses counselling, you can go for yourself, in fact I wouldn't recommend going with him as he doesn't have an issue with the current set up. You can go to a counsellor and say what you've said here and see where that goes. In the meantime, take yourself off to a cafe and journal, journal, journal. I've had some frankly astonishing insights into my own life whilst journalling.

I get you, OP. Twenty years in and I'm not sure if it's that I've lost who I was or if it's just that I'm bored of the 'me' that I've become?

@Thepeopleversuswork your posts are incredibly helpful and interesting to read. I'd never thought deeply about the idea of marriage itself being the issue.

Which is odd because I've often thought that marriage is a crazy concept that I don't agree with, yet I also blamed myself for choosing the wrong person and have felt like that's why it hasn't worked. Your posts have given me some clarity, thanks.

@LittleGreyFluffyCat

Thank you... I guess I find it frustrating that so many women end up being diminished and limited by marriage and they usually blame themselves for this.

I'm not saying marriage is always diminishing: I think in a best case scenario it can be really life enhancing and supportive but tbh I think more often than not its not.

So many women lose progressively more and more of themselves to the demands of marriage and motherhood and find their personalities and needs just get drained away. Then they end up blaming themselves for this transition which has happened. When in fact most marriages by their nature just leach away women's time and energy.

This is partly why it makes me so cross that people go on and on about marriage being the pinnacle of a woman's achievement, on here and in RL. Of course its an important tool for child-rearing and financial stability but so limiting and restricting in so many other ways. I wish there were a better model for supporting children and protecting women.

@Thepeopleversuswork so true. You should write an article about this somewhere, it's an interesting and important viewpoint and you articulate it well.

I agree with your point about it not always being diminishing and sometimes being enhancing and supporting. I feel that mine has been both.

@testerwiki Shame society couldn't be more honest to reduce the angst and shame people feel. Thank you for saying that, I needed to hear it.