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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to spend most evenings by myself

17 replies

ChangePlease · 11/09/2022 00:00

DH likes, when we’ve done all the clearing up etc, to watch tv together and to get into a series. What I really like to do after a day of either working or looking after 2 under 4, once washing is all folded away etc is to potter / faff about all evening - having a bath, paint nails, use Lumea, browse online shopping, bit of yoga/stretching/go to bed early.

I always feel slightly resentful of having to spend time with anyone including DH, which sounds really awful I know. I don’t even like watching tv tbh. Realistically it’s only an hour or a bit more by the time we get to that point.

But I just want to be alone and do my own thing! How do I get a happy medium here?

OP posts:
Brigante9 · 11/09/2022 00:06

Go for a long bath. Tell your DH that you're going to read for an hour. Stay in the bedroom and do your thing. Or alternatively, tell him you need an hour or two to wind down and you'll see him in a bit and he should watch what he wants.

Hannahbanana1986 · 11/09/2022 00:13

I’m sorry I have no answers for you here as I am in exactly the same boat. I have 2 dogs and 2 step children, 1 very time demanding husband and all I want to do…. Is to sit alone and either read, meditate or sign up to Classes at the gym. Alone.

can I ask if you were like this before the children?

if you have been honest, and told DH this I think he needs to also consider your needs etc and allow you the time to be alone/do what makes you happy!

my husband knows all this and seems to forget it very quickly which is as joyful as you can imagine.

maybe you need to set some boundaries? If you have and they are being ignored… that’s another isssue! X

mytearsricochet · 11/09/2022 00:17

Things used to be like this with my ex. I ended up having to just say that I really needed some time alone to recharge. Is this every night? Could you alternate nights where you do what you want and nights where you do what he wants or each night watch one episode before doing your alone bits to chill out before bed?

Original poster
ChangePlease · 11/09/2022 08:05

@Hannahbanana1986 I have always needed a bit of alone time to recharge, but only been like this since having kids really. I guess it’s the only hour or so of the day I’m not ‘serving’ someone else - employer or children!

OP posts:
Original poster
ChangePlease · 11/09/2022 08:06

@mytearsricochet maybe having set alone nights is a good compromise and will help everyone not feel disappointed

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 11/09/2022 08:07

I absolutely get it and am the same. I usually end up staying up quite late just to get some time alone.

Hauntedmaison · 11/09/2022 08:07

What other time do you get by yourself that isn’t in the evenings?

i think alternate evenings could be a compromise

BarrelOfOtters · 11/09/2022 08:10

It’s easier if you go out. I used to go to a class in the winter and the allotment in the summer. Also sometimes he takes the dog out in the evening and I stay home. I also have a long bath sometimes. Also have a greenhouse. We’ve discussed it though and he knows I don’t always want to watch telly…so he’ll watch something only he likes.

tbh it was easier when he traveled more for work…

but talking about it is important.

andi think it would be a bit miserable not to do anything together, but of telly, or cook together or a walk….

TheChosenTwo · 11/09/2022 08:31

Dh and I don’t spend our evenings together. We sit and eat dinner together as a family pretty much every evening, chat and catch up with each other. I often sit with him in the kitchen while he’s cooking. But then down time is spent exactly how we like, I prefer a long bath and reading in bed, he prefers sitting downstairs watching tv. We just do what suits us. I remember once a friend saying how much she disliked sitting with her husband in the evenings as he wanted to watch stuff on telly but she wanted to just read but he’d constantly nag at her to watch tv with him so she just gave in to stop him moaning.
never understood it myself, dh and I are individual people not joined at the hip and are perfectly capable of spending our time how we choose.
What would happen if you just decided to do what you wanted?

Lcb123 · 11/09/2022 08:34

I’d agree alternate evenings with him. We quite often do separate things in the evenings, but then sit down to watch or do something specific some evenings

Beautifulsunflowers · 11/09/2022 08:39

There room for compromise here! Can you have 30 minutes of doing your own thing and then join dh on the sofa? Or join him Fri/sat/sun and have the rest of the week as your alone evenings?

it’s actually nice your dh wants to spend time with you!!

TyFly · 11/09/2022 08:47

Can you not do both?

As it's really not ok to reject time with your spouse as that is what leads to a lot of relationships breaking down

Our evening routine carves out an hour for me time (the hour when DH gets home and spends alone time with DD) and then we spend a couple of hours together when she goes to bed.

I'd choose time with DH over alone time though if it was a choice, I'd be concerned at the state of our marriage if I ever got to the point where I'd prefer to be alone

DuckeyDuck · 11/09/2022 08:50

Same here, we watch an episode of something whilst we have our tea together about 7pm then I go off for the rest of the evening and he watches something else which I’m not interested in so it seems like a good compromise. It works for us,

dustyparadeground · 11/09/2022 08:55

Get your dh a shed 😀

whereeverilaymycat · 11/09/2022 09:07

I'm like this. I love to read, but obviously it's not a social activity at all! We tend to watch something together for an hour or so, making sure we both genuinely want to watch it. Then I'll often go off and get into bed to read and he will watch something I'm not interested in.
My sister and her husband always do their own thing in the evenings, but it works because they genuinely both want to.
Compromise is key here, for both of you. It's important he understands it's not a rejection of him, more a need in you for some quiet alone time.

SpicePearl · 11/09/2022 09:08

I also think set nights of alone time could be the way to go, if you find it difficult to just go off and do your own thing when you want to. Yes it is nice your DH wants to spend time with you as per pp but this shouldn’t mean you always have to do what he wants to do. On some of the ‘together’ nights I think it would be nice if you suggested other activities like a pamper night or reading your books in the garden or doing a yoga routine together.

LampLighter414 · 11/09/2022 09:10

Could you just not agree certain days of the week where you spend the evening together with a series or something and others where you’re free to do your own thing?

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