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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband swearing at me not justified

18 replies

TidesOfLife · 10/09/2022 22:46

This evening, my husband and I had just sat down after putting the children to bed. I'd cleared the kitchen mess too. My ds then called out that he wanted a drink in bed. My dh instantly said over and over, I not doing it, I'm not getting up again. So I shouted over him, we'll I'm not getting up. I'm a teacher and I admit, I used my teacher tone of voice.

Dh then stood up abruptly and said, you can go and f* yourself then. He then threw the TV remote under a chest of drawers and said to me, you'll have to get up now. He stormed off and went to give ds a drink. He then said he didn't want to be near me and has now taken himself off to bed early. I went upstairs to tell him that I was upset but he thinks his reaction was justified. So no apology.

It's not like dh hasn't done a lot today, he has. However, I suppose in my mind I thought, I'm the one who's just cleared us the mess in kitchen which took a while. We're both exhausted. But I just don't think that swearing at me like that was justified for me shouting at him. I'm not a swearing person, only occasionally will I swear. Dh occasionally swears in general conversation but not a lot. I said to him that he'd never speak like that to anyone in his family or mine, or friends, so why me?!

AIBU to feel it wasn't justified and to be I upset?

OP posts:
WhatIsThisMad · 10/09/2022 22:52

Non issue really. The two of you need to work your relationship out as it doesn't sound great. You are both tired, have (I presume young) DC and maybe are not spending enough quality stress free time together. Work on your relationship

yasminisa · 10/09/2022 22:55

I think you need to both calm down and give each other space. Stop following each other and demanding apologies. You're creating a horrible atmosphere 8n the house and your children will notice

user1473878824 · 10/09/2022 22:56

You both sound upset and at the end of your tether. He could have written this from his point of view and I’d say the same thing. Just chalk it up to a bad evening.

Keyansier · 10/09/2022 22:56

Dh occasionally swears in general conversation but not a lot. I said to him that he'd never speak like that to anyone in his family or mine, or friends, so why me?!

Everyone knows that the more comfortable and closer relationship you have with someone, the more open you are to swearing/saying stuff to them you wouldn't say to other people, you must realise that?

How old is your DS? It sounds like he was being annoying (no offence) if you and your DH both said that you weren't willing to see to him again.

If someone shouted at me, I might feel the need to swear back as well.

Original poster
TidesOfLife · 10/09/2022 22:58

Maybe I just got a bit offended and upset by being sworn at. He would never do that to someone else so it makes me think, that's how little he must think of me.

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 10/09/2022 22:59

Maybe leave a drink in a suitable container with each child when you put them to bed. I usually take a bottle of water up to bed with me in case I get thirsty.
You both sound tired and short tempered with each other. Perhaps something else is going on?

JackieCollinsExistentialQuestionTime · 10/09/2022 23:01

It sounds like you’re both exhausted and just needed a bit of downtime. Only you know if this is a wider pattern and a symptom of a bigger problem. If he routinely speaks to you like that and doesn’t help then that’s a problem. If it was tiredness at the end of a long day, I’d be more forgiving - it’s a very frustrating feeling when you’ve just sat down, it sounds like you felt that frustration too hence your ‘teacher voice’.

How old is your ds? If he’s old enough to pour his own drink sensibly, take a jug up with you when putting him to bed. We always take a jug of juice up, always leave a box of tissues in DD’s room etc to eliminate any emergencies. 😁

Original poster
TidesOfLife · 10/09/2022 23:07

@Keyansier @JackieCollinsExistentialQuestionTime
Ds is only 3 and he just wanted his water bottle topped up.
We have a 1 year old too so yes, quite exhausted!

OP posts:
Keyansier · 10/09/2022 23:12

I am 50/50, don't think you need to apologise, but also don't feel like he should apologise to you over what you said happened. Hopefully you'll both have a good night's sleep and get over it by tomorrow!

autienotnaughty · 10/09/2022 23:16

I think he should have been one to get drink as you cleaned kitchen up and yes he should apologise for swearing at you. I normally suggest Rock Paper Scissors for these times.

Andsoforth · 23/12/2022 08:30

Is there a wider pattern here where you two are locked in a battle about who is doing the most/working the hardest/most deserving of rest?

It’s a dynamic that is all too easy to tumble into when you mr home has been infiltrated by small tyrants.

The key thing to remember is that in a relationship of equals, both partners are equally deserving of rest. If you can both agree on that point, you might be able to find a good humoured way of deciding.

It really wasn’t ok for him to make you the default parent but it is understandable to feel tired, frustrated and run ragged. Maybe you also need to agree on what is appropriate at bedtimes - I’d have topped up the drink because I’d prioritise the toddler staying in bed, but others might prioritise a bit of independence. Neither is wrong but it helps to be on the same page.

It’s hard to think clearly when you’re both tired. Shouting like a school teacher isn’t on. Swearing isn’t on. But the person who apologises first is the real winner in an argument.

ImpartialMongoose · 23/12/2022 08:44

Well if you regularly speak in a condescending or authoritative tone to him I can understand why he is thoroughly fed up with you. I would swear too at someone who did this, then again I wouldn't stay in a relationship with them.

Afterfire · 23/12/2022 08:48

So much anger over a drink 😳😳😳

Dh and I would just laugh about it between us and one of us would go in and get it. (We’re used to being woken in the night etc - Ds aged 10 has autism and hardly ever sleeps, it’s a nightmare but no point getting worked up over it, just exhausts everyone).

I think you both need to work on reducing your stress responses. Way too much drama.

nancydroo · 23/12/2022 08:52

Stop using that annoying teacher tone crap. No one likes it and it doesn't make you superior just makes you a fool

mrsbitaly · 23/12/2022 09:30

It's not justified but it sounds like you are both tired and ratty and that can sometimes bring the worst out of us. Me and my husband have done the same thing with eachother its not right but you can both move on from this

Onnabugeisha · 23/12/2022 09:37

I think he was justified because you “shouted over” him using your “teacher voice”:

So I shouted over him, we'll I'm not getting up. I'm a teacher and I admit, I used my teacher tone of voice.

This is just as rude as saying “go fuck yourself” imho.

Your argument, would he swear at any other family or friends, applies equally to you..would you shout over family or friends using your teacher tone of voice?

Youre both exhausted and were irritable and so snapped at each other. This is very minor and honestly just a quick apology from you to him and he to you would solve it.

TallulahBetty · 23/12/2022 09:39

#########THIS THREAD IS 3 MONTHS OLD##########

Onnabugeisha · 23/12/2022 09:40

TallulahBetty · 23/12/2022 09:39

#########THIS THREAD IS 3 MONTHS OLD##########

🤣 So it is. Thanks for that. Need more coffee ☕️

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