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AIBU?

Ex is going on a date and I want to die, it's killing me!

18 replies

ThisIsMyHappyFacee · 10/09/2022 17:15

25 years with him, always up and down and bloody hard work at times! My choice to leave as he never wanted to do anything with me, felt like he just wanted to do what he wanted and that was that. It's been a year but we have a 12 year old son who has a chronic illness and he's not been well this week so ex and I have been messaging etc. Getting on well, having a laugh etc. Anyway I didn't want to ask but I did, asked him if he's met anyone else and he said he has been seeing someone but doesn't know where it's going. I am beyond devastated and I don't know why, I can't stop crying, I feel sick and have had to ask our eldest to look after our son as I am bereft. What on earth is all that about?! I think it feels like he never bothered with me but is willing to bother with someone else. I'm heartbroken, I've never actually felt like this in my whole life 😭

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Fupoffyagrasshole · 10/09/2022 17:22

Oh no :( you have to cut if contact for a while other than speaking about your children ! Block him on social media if he has it!

Cloverforever · 10/09/2022 17:28

After the first year, maybe two, he will end up treating her just like he treated you. I would put money on it.

Can you go and do something nice to distract yourself?

keepingwarm5623 · 10/09/2022 17:39

Completely agree with @Cloverforever, he is who he is and will end up treating the new woman the same way he treated you. Everyone can make an effort for a while.

Try and find something to distract you and be glad he's now someone else's problem.

ThisIsMyHappyFacee · 10/09/2022 17:47

Thank you, you're all right but why on earth has it hurt me like it has? I'm a mess

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doobedooboom · 10/09/2022 18:31

This is always going to hurt - it is completely normal you feel this way. It doesn't mean you should be together or made the wrong decision. It is part of breaking up and moving on and it is a horrendous feeling. But you have to sit with it and hurt I am afraid - there is no way to side step it. Try to be nice to yourself and accept it is truly shit. You WILL feel better after a while. You may meet someone new yourself (which is a whole new weird thing where you may feel guilty etc). But for now I think you need to feel sad and try to accept it is sad but doesn't mean you should be together. There were good reasons for breaking up and you will move through this to happier times. I promise.

Cw112 · 10/09/2022 18:32

Was a part of you maybe hoping if you left he'd wake up and realise what he was missing? And this is him not doing that? I think you left for a reason- you were not happy with him and you left to carve out a better life for yourself where you can be happy. I think you need to turn your focus there, what things can you do to focus on your own happiness and life fulfillment whether it's taking a bucket list class, considering dating yourself, arranging a regular night out with friends. Whatever will give you a boost. I think it's natural to feel conflicted because he's someone you love having been together a long time, but you're both now responsible for making the best out of life and he is clearly trying to do that so you need to as well. Be gentle and let yourself grieve but then think to the future and all the good things that can come your way now.

Arenanewbie · 10/09/2022 19:11

I think it might be because it’s especially difficult time for you. Your child is not well and you are dealing with this, and maybe there are other problems… so you want to share these problems with someone else and not to be alone. Don’t think that someone is lucky and has a nice committed partner in your EX , no never, he stayed the same as he was before. It took you for a while to see him for who he was so the other woman probably hasn’t got chance to realise it yet.

JangolinaPitt · 10/09/2022 19:17

I had this even though I have met someone else and I don’t want him back. I am just that he takes her out and didn’t take me out after the first couple of years. But she will end up being treated the same. (In my case she was OW)

ThisIsMyHappyFacee · 10/09/2022 19:52

Cw112 · 10/09/2022 18:32

Was a part of you maybe hoping if you left he'd wake up and realise what he was missing? And this is him not doing that? I think you left for a reason- you were not happy with him and you left to carve out a better life for yourself where you can be happy. I think you need to turn your focus there, what things can you do to focus on your own happiness and life fulfillment whether it's taking a bucket list class, considering dating yourself, arranging a regular night out with friends. Whatever will give you a boost. I think it's natural to feel conflicted because he's someone you love having been together a long time, but you're both now responsible for making the best out of life and he is clearly trying to do that so you need to as well. Be gentle and let yourself grieve but then think to the future and all the good things that can come your way now.

Exactly this. I've just spent an hour crying on the phone to my mum bless her, she listened and explained it's a totally natural feeling and I should think about now moving on but it's so alien to me I don't feel comfortable doing it. I asked him to block me on WhatsApp etc so I can't text him, and he has 😞 I'm pleased but also gutted. Thank god for gin!

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ThisIsMyHappyFacee · 10/09/2022 19:53

And thank you for all of your honest replies and helping me realise this is normal but a very necessary part of the process, I'm very grateful

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Sanmiguelbeard · 10/09/2022 20:01

OP this is me !

we’ve been split up for a while just over a year and I’ve not missed him once. He is now dating and it’s killed me off. It’s not helped with the radio playing sad songs for the queen either.

I was at the point today of messaging him but I reached out to my friends instead who reminded me why I was unhappy when I was with him. But my bloody brain is playing tricks on me and making if me think our break up was all my fault, I could have made it work, does he still love me, could I get him back.

it’s hard when you have kids with them as you have to see and speak to them. I’m doing my own head in thinking about this random woman playing happy families with my kids now.

im hoping it will pass 🙈

ThisIsMyHappyFacee · 10/09/2022 20:08

Sanmiguelbeard · 10/09/2022 20:01

OP this is me !

we’ve been split up for a while just over a year and I’ve not missed him once. He is now dating and it’s killed me off. It’s not helped with the radio playing sad songs for the queen either.

I was at the point today of messaging him but I reached out to my friends instead who reminded me why I was unhappy when I was with him. But my bloody brain is playing tricks on me and making if me think our break up was all my fault, I could have made it work, does he still love me, could I get him back.

it’s hard when you have kids with them as you have to see and speak to them. I’m doing my own head in thinking about this random woman playing happy families with my kids now.

im hoping it will pass 🙈

Exactly the same! The sad songs, thinking it wasn't all that bad etc etc. I did unfortunately message him telling him how he'd made me feel but then asked him to block me which he did, for the best but still a kick in the gut! Thank you for posting and I'm sorry you're feeling the same way but it's really helped me x

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ThisIsMyHappyFacee · 10/09/2022 20:09

To add, I've not missed him once either! Just so weird and a shock that it's hit me like this. Hopefully it's short lived!

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SweetcornFritter · 10/09/2022 20:22

ThisIsMyHappyFacee · 10/09/2022 17:47

Thank you, you're all right but why on earth has it hurt me like it has? I'm a mess

This was me a few months ago. We had been separated for some years, amicably and at my instigation and he had moved out about six months when he revealed he had a new girlfriend. It totally knocked me for six and I obsessed about it for weeks. I have now come to terms with it and am on the whole happy for him but the less I know about her and their relationship the better. Although I don’t ever want to be with him again when I found out I felt like I had lost him forever which makes no sense but affairs of the heart often don’t make much sense. You will get over this x

RichardOsman · 10/09/2022 20:25

It won’t always hurt so much! It’s just because it’s the first time that you’re aware of

Sanmiguelbeard · 10/09/2022 20:32

I’m hoping it will be short lived too. I think I havnt really grieved for the break up as I’ve been too busy. In his defence he has been out of the house for a long time and was probably lonely where I have been busy with the kids.

AND if a strapping Viking came along and whisked me off I’d have give zero fucks! Maybe it’s the thought of being left behind and it actually being THE END.

like how fucking date they move on 😆

ThisIsMyHappyFacee · 10/09/2022 20:40

SweetcornFritter · 10/09/2022 20:22

This was me a few months ago. We had been separated for some years, amicably and at my instigation and he had moved out about six months when he revealed he had a new girlfriend. It totally knocked me for six and I obsessed about it for weeks. I have now come to terms with it and am on the whole happy for him but the less I know about her and their relationship the better. Although I don’t ever want to be with him again when I found out I felt like I had lost him forever which makes no sense but affairs of the heart often don’t make much sense. You will get over this x

That's very helpful, thank you x

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ThisIsMyHappyFacee · 10/09/2022 20:41

Sanmiguelbeard · 10/09/2022 20:32

I’m hoping it will be short lived too. I think I havnt really grieved for the break up as I’ve been too busy. In his defence he has been out of the house for a long time and was probably lonely where I have been busy with the kids.

AND if a strapping Viking came along and whisked me off I’d have give zero fucks! Maybe it’s the thought of being left behind and it actually being THE END.

like how fucking date they move on 😆

Again, same! I've moved house and just been busy busy with everything. And I know he's been very lonely and through his grieving process so I guess now it's my turn. But will definitely keep an eye out for that Viking!! 😉😍

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