AIBU to not agree a contact schedule with H based on this?

[SlowlySlowlee]

Me and H in the process of separation and discussing contact for our 3 year old DD.

He has older children with his ex who stay alternating nights each week due to their mother working shifts.

H has said he'd like to have DD on the same nights he has SC so they can see and spend time with each other.

I'm against this as I want to have a set schedule for DD. I personally think it's not good for kids to not have a routine week on week and also for myself, I'd like to know when DD was going to be with her dad and not have to live my life based on his exes shifts.

AIBU for insisting H has set contact days and if they don't fall on the same days as SC staying that's tough.

I agree with you.

He will also find it beneficial to sometimes have just the older ones or just the younger one. You don't say how old the older ones are but taking a 3 year old to softplay or 12 year olds to the cinema is more straight forward if the other child(ren) isn't/aren't there

As long as the kids see each other regularly eg at least once a week then that is fine imo.

I would want every other weekend as a starter. (I assume that you work Monday-Friday)

I would want a fixed contact schedule too and agree it would be beneficial to ALL the DC that sometimes they are not all there together.

Yep fixed schedule, he’s being lazy

I don’t think that you get to “insist”, you both need to agree and both your wishes / needs count.

You don’t say what’s best for your child.

I divorced when mine was 4. No set schedule because of my work. It has never bothered her in the slightest. We’ve had 10 years of flexibility around a basic schedule, and she takes advantage of that herself now! Like I’ll get a text saying, “I know I’m due back, but dad’s getting my favourite Indian takeaway…”
we call it “tums before mums”. It’s very personally dependent, and being used to flexibility can be a good thing.

It doesn’t sound like it’s random - it’s just an alternating shift pattern?

I would look to mix and match - some fixed days (so you can plan regular activities of your own) and some that alternate to help him out, assuming he’ll also work around you when you’d like it.

Keep in mind that she is 3 - so you have 10+ years of negotiation ahead. In 3 years time, you might want to flip an EOW to fit with a new boyfriend not having his kids. Look for give and take, and agreement that the schedule may be revisited.