Should I say something next time I see this behaviour?

[Yubgftr]

I have two close relatives who are a couple. I've noticed a few times over the years when we've been in restaurants or bars, they have a habit of passing bitchy comments about other patrons in the restaurant/ bar who are just going about their business. It's normally about appearance or weight (not so people can hear, just between them).

Examples:
An overweight woman or a woman dressed up a certain way and they'll look at each other or say 'Did you see that?' Or pass some nasty comment.

The last time it happened, one woman was complimenting a waitess on the meal she'd had and said she'd happily have it all over again. They overheard this and had a giggle about it ie basically the fact she was overweight.

I don't participate in this bitchiness but it hadn't really registered with me as a 'thing' (as I was so used to it from young age) until recently. Now I think back on the examples and the fact that it's nearly always about women and I'm horrified. It just seems so nasty and unnecessary or something teenagers would do.

It's judgemental, misogynistic. I'm so tempted to say something next time I see it happen but it will probably go down badly and cause an argument and I'd be deemed overly sensitive or a spoilsport but not sure I care.

One of them dared to comment on my weight once implying I was overeating (I'm 8 and a half stone) so I gave as good as I got and commented about their age and they took it very badly. They stormed off in a massive strop, and said 'if you're going to get personal then I can get personal' and implied they had various comments at the ready about me. It made me feel very judged.

AIBU to want to say something next time they get like this in a restaurant or should I just let it wash over me and not waste my breath? Part of me can't be arsed tbh and I doubt I can change them.

YABU - let it go, not worth the hassle of arguing about it, just ignore it

YANBU - it's nasty and you should say something

Stop spending so much time in restaurants with them. It can't be that difficult to do 😂

I'd say something along the lines of how you don't like when they make these comments and if they can't resist laughing about/mocking a stranger then can they please not do it in your company. Leave it at that and if they try to explain or justify it as a light-hearted joke, just repeat yourself that you don't like it so don't do it in your company.

I wouldn't get in to an argument or long discussion about it as they aren't going to change just because you tell them they're acting like horrible teenagers but if you let them know you don't like it, perhaps they will be respectful enough to stop in your presence. If you are really against it, walk out from the meal if they do it again after you've asked them not to.

@Johnnysgirl It's only a few times a year so not that often but yeah maybe I'll do a dinner party at my house next time 😅

Why are you seemingly constantly going out for meals with these vile creatures? Go low contact they sound horrendous.

@Hymnulop I don't see them that often. The one who is the worst with the comments is not a blood relative thank God

Exactly what I was going to say!

I voted YABU but only because I think you're being unreasonable to spend any time with these people.

Just because you're related doesn't mean you have to put up with that shit.

@MaryHoldTheCandleSteadyWhileIShaveTheChickensLeg it's hard because one of them is a close blood relative and I wouldn't want to cut them out. They act different when its just them on their own, they are lovely. I feel like the other one ( who made the comment about my weight) is the main instigator and just bad news and very judgemental

I'd just stop seeing these ones altogether. Just say no thanks or make an excuse next time an invitation rolls around. If you must do it - please stick up for the people they pick on - a loud 'what did you say??' To them will soon shut them up.

But where do you draw the line?

Would you cut them out if the comments were ableist or racist?

If the answer is yes, then that tells you it's possible.

Surely if "one of them is a close blood relative" then you can basically let rip? Along the lines of 'FFS sis - meow! Every time we're in a restaurant you pair cannot stop making catty comments about complete strangers. Just can it, will you?'

If the targets don't hear it then I wouldn't address it in the moment, because that'll increase the chance of them realising, and possibly feeling humiliated when all they wanted to do was exist in public as a fat person.

If you really fancy a probably fruitless argument, you could raise it later, but challenging extended family members like that rarely changes behaviour in my experience. I would minimise unnecessary contact and try to ignore it TBH. Confronting the racist uncle almost never works in real life.

My mum does this and I have started to call her out on it, so she gets in a huff and stops

I should clarify.

I'm not saying I'd never challenge anyone. There's definitely been times when I've felt I had to.

It's specifically family where it doesn't tend to work well, from what I've seen in my family and friends' families. Something to do with interconnectedness and the web of other people who will have loyalties and strong feelings about what's been said, and a sense of seniority, and levels of familiarity, and whether they've grown up with you or changed your nappy, and ties that will exist and events you'll have to see them at regardless of your feelings about them.

Pretend you don't understand the joke. And ask them to explain it to you. If they do, just say that's really unkind, don't you feel bad? If they don't explain then you made your point.

Keep it up enough and they might stop. It means you don't have to be the aggressor and create an atmosphere of confrontation.

A colleague did this my misogynistic boss and it worked really well because he couldn't possibly explain his 'jokes ' to colleagues. Jokes stopped with minimal drama. Obviously different outside of the workplace but might be worth a try before confronting if that is particularly awkward with these people.

However they react, it is likely to be uncomfortable for them which is the idea.

Other option is to have a discussion with your relative about how you feel really uncomfortable about it but don't do it in a pressure cooker environment

I'd just call it out at the time. They make a nasty comment about someone I'd just say, was that really needed or something along those lines. If you can't say something nice say nothing is a good lesson for everyone to learn imo. But to be honest I imagine if you do that they'll probably withdraw from you, people who are mean like that to strangers usually look for acceptance and agreement from the people they're with so they may spend less time with you as a result. Personally I'd see that as a win. I wouldn't waste my time spending it with people who speak like that about others.