AIBU if I ask him to leave?

[Causewithoutaim]

This morning when I moved my husbands car out the drive I found an open, half empty packet of cigarettes in his car. This may seem trivial but there's history.

My husband has told me for four years that he's quit smoking. An issue that became more prevalent when we had kids, we both agreed for their health the smoking was to be knocked on the head, he was still having the odd drunken smoke and I fully suspect just smoking when I wasn't around.
Our son is under one and constantly suffers chest infections and an has been hospitalised on a few occasions to be put on oxygen through progression of things as simple as common colds affecting his breathing. The Drs have been very specific about watching his contact with smokers and in Smokey environments because of this. Another big point I'm pissed off about, if he doesn't care about his health that's fine but I find it very hard to justify jeopardising the health of our kids.

My husband also has a chronic condition which is aggravated by smoking and in the last 10months has had 2 hospital stays due to his condition worsening 'for no reason'! the second trip involved me having to phone 999 and him being blue lighted to the hospital, an experience I'm still very traumatised by. Again me being hurt over the fall out of this.
Over the years I've on quite a few occasions smelt smoke off him and asked him out right if he's been smoking. He denies it and makes excuses "its the guys at work" .... "I lit a fire at my mums" and in recent months has started comments like "would you stop asking that you know I don't" "you always smell smoke off me when there's nothing" and this is where I feel the most betrayed. I have a history of a very mentally abusive relationship where gaslighting took the forefront of everything I ever had a problem with and eventually left me with massive self esteem, confidence and trust issues as well as mental health concerns. Now call me out if I've jumped the gun but I kind of feel like my husband has been low key gaslighting me around the smoking!

I'm so hurt and I don't know what to think. The thought of being near him makes me feel angry and sick. I want to ask him to go stay at his mums for a few days but I don't know if that's a bad idea.... is there a way back from that? I don't know what I want the outcome of this to be my head is spinning but I know I'm hurt and betrayed and I feel like I cant trust him.

It doesn't seem like gaslighting, more like straight up lying. There's a difference.
Are you asking him to leave because he's lying or because you're worried about your one year old? Is he not allowed to come into contact with smokers or smokers who are smoking around him?
Even if you split up, he's still going to have access to the children so I think it comes down to how much you love him and whether you want to be in a relationship with him.

Look I do want to be with him but I'm really f*&ked off about the lying. I don't do lying, not even "white lies" its just a no from me. I don't think this is a make or break thing but I know when I confront him its going to be all sorrys and smothering me. and then he'll forget the gravity of it and move on and i'll find another pack in a few months time. Its not advisable for our son to be around smokers but its not bann.

I’m not sure on this one - yes I agree it does sound like gaslighting because he is making you doubt something when he knows what your saying is true… however I also don’t feel like you can control another persons behaviour and if they smoke and if he knows you will react badly that’s why he has lied especially if he feels the need to smoke because of stress etc (not making excuses for him btw!)

as for your son - he will likely come in contact with people who smoke - teachers, doctors, etc - you can’t stop this especially as he gets older

he is probably going to continue smoking whether in front of your face or lying behind your back because that’s what he wants to do and as an adult he can make his own decisions - you just need to either make peace with it - maybe he can wear a jacket he smokes it and then takes it off inside? Or split up with him but then he will be seeing his son on his own and if he smokes around him or not you won’t know about

This is a hard situation because if I’m honest I doubt he’s going to quit smoking even if he tells you he’ll stop. He has been lying to you too.

Take photos. He will bin them and say are lying. The fact he has effectively hospitalised your dc would have me passing him black bags.

OK so you put this into words better than I did.

I know if he doesn't want to stop he wont I know I cant control him, nor do I want to.

I'm probably more pissed off that he lied and that he made me doubt myself. I've genuinely not asked on a few occasions because I've thought "no sure I'm always wrong and there's something wrong with my smell" the last time I let a man make me question my instincts it was a very slippy slope that I ended in a heap at the bottom of.

@Causewithoutaim oh no don’t get me wrong - the gaslighting is a bit of a red flag for sure, because what else could he be making you doubt yourself about? How is the relationship other than this smoking issue?

I've taken them out the car. hes not been in the car today so he doesn't know I have them. I'm so bloody angry at him.

Smokers are selfish but it's an addiction. I hate how smoking addiction is viewed differently because you can function unlike other substances. But my god the selfishness that goes on with it, the devastating health effects to themselves and everyone else around them and the complete denial that comes up when challenged.

It's a strong addiction and one that is a body and mind is dependent on and very difficult to give up.

You have to ask yourself why he felt the need to lie
My guess is for a quiet life and he doesn’t want to or struggling to stop
if he’d been honest hand on heart would you of not given him shit for it

If he hasn't been in the car today and hasn't noticed you have his cigarettes - then maybe he isn't too far gone on the addiction scale. I smoke. I hate that I smoke. I have tried to give up so many times and I'm so many ways. (Vape, hypnotist, drugs, patches) but the only thing I have successfully managed and managed long term is to cut down. I have cigarette time. I smoke 3 a day. One after work. One after dinner and one around 9.

Perhaps you just need to accept that he smokes. Then he won't have to lie. You want him to say 'no I don't smoke' but he does.. so what would your honest reaction be if he said 'yes' I have been smoking ! I know all ready what it will be.. you will go on a huge rant. Invoke the babies health.. his health .. your health.. but then what ? He will still smoke ! So he has a choice -
Lie - quiet life but wife still knows the truth.
Tell truth - huge issues from wife..

So my recommendation is do not ask a question that you already know the answer to. When you smell
Smoke on him say 'eugh- go change your clothes/clean your teeth you smell of smoke' .. and just accept that he smokes. Because he does.

However some people absolutely abhor smoking.. if this is you - and you hate smoking more than you love him - then it's ultimatum time. Not a screechy dramatic me or the fags kinda thing but a reasoned statement that you are willing to follow through on. .. 'DH I really can't stand it. It makes me feel Ill and I cannot compromise. If you really can't give up then I need to leave. If you are willing to genuinely stop then I will be prepared to give it x weeks. Meanwhile I will be making plans to live elsewhere. Ball is then in his court. Be prepared though. Never make an ultimatum you aren't prepared to act on.

You could pretend you don't know. Keep
Up the pretence and make it really difficult so that he cant smoke
Openly and has to sneak around making it harder for him to keep the habit

When I stopped smoking I kept an open packet of cigarettes in my car for years.

When I was thinking about stopping I realised that I used to get really antsy and crave a cigarette more when I didn't have any than when I did. I figured not having any would cause the craving to beat me, but having them in the house would be too tempting.

So I put them in my car. And kept them there for years. Psychologically they were a crutch.

Yes, something that walks like a duck is usually a duck, but sometimes it's a goose.

Speak to your DH before deciding what he's done - because if he were me, he wouldn't have been smoking.