I'm pregnant and feeling at my lowest point

[HisuiNatsutachi]

I'm really looking for some advice and need to check whether I'm being unreasonable. I'm incredibly upset with a very close friend but I need to give a bit of background first.
I'm currently 8 months pregnant and the advent of motherhood is bringing up a lot of unprocessed emotional trauma from my childhood, especially related to my mum (in short, she's an alcoholic, was physically and emotionally abusive and neglectful and it's had a lasting impact on me) I have a relationship with her now, because I feel sorry for her and the fact that we live so far apart and only seeibg one another every 1 or 2 years helps our relationship. But I'm starting to see how messed up it is.
I'm a friendly person and have never had problems making friends, but there are very few people I really trust or could share things with. My best friend over the past few years and I have had a massive falling out and it's left me feeling really shaken and doubting myself. She's had a tough time recently with work, her newish partner and now she's had to leave her apartment which she's stayed in the past 10 years. She's an entrepreneur and massively successful and intelligent- and because she's so busy I've gotten used to not being a top priority for her. We'll go days or weeks without talking and then she'll contact me saying she's sorry for not being in touch and will make it up to me (I usually reach out and invite her for coffee, walks etc. during this time but she's always doing something). She's the only friend really who I feel I can talk to about things (not that I'm good at articulating my feelings, I never learned to. Instead I learned that what I feel is a burden on others)
The aibu part- she's moved back to her home country for the next two months. So I won't see her again until after the baby is here (my first after 2 years of IVF). As usual, she contacted me on her way to the airport to say sorry that she hasn't been in touch but with work and packing and her boyfriend she had no time. But something inside me won't allow me to say it's ok, no problem, this time. I'm incredibly pissed off with her for not making an effort to see me, even for an hour before leaving. I didn't answer her because I was trying to process my emotions. She then bombarded me with messages over the next 24 hours, basically asking what my problem was and why I was ignoring her (I feel like a teen writing this, not a woman in her 40s..) I finally wrote to her saying exactly how I felt. That it's not just her life that's busy and stressful, I'm heavily pregnant, going through emotional upheavals and feeling incredibly anxious, depressed and alone. She retailiated in such a brutal, aggressive, condescending way. She send several very long messages telling me basically what a bad person I am, mocking what is written in the messages, and that I haven't been there for her. She really tore me to pieces in her messages. I feel shocked and completely unbalanced. I last responded saying that clearly she can't see our relationship from my perspective and what I'm going through but instead is attacking me, so I'm not engaging with her any longer over messages, nor do I want to talk to her.

I just feel so incredibly awful and even more alone and depressed and just thought I'd write here and see if anyone has any advice for me. (Full disclaimer: I'm from the UK but live abroad. I have a husband, and bless him, he tries to support me emotionally but he's not so good with these kind of things)

I'd appreciate anyone reaching out to me. I could use it. Thank you ❣️

I'm so sorry that this has all come at such a difficult time for you and I understand that you need a friend at the moment. However, you say that she is going through a really difficult time with work and her housing situation - is it possible that she just hasn't got the capacity to support you through your difficulties as well? It sounds like it's really bad timing for both of you.

In that time before she moved, did you reach out to her at any point in this and ask to meet up and she actively ignored you? Or are you annoyed that although you also didn't make an effort, she hasn't made the effort with you?

Me and my friend had a very similar argument not so long ago, with my friend feeling I didn't make enough effort with her during covid (even though she was a stickler for the rules and at no point contacted me first to see how i was coping) and I also blew up like your friend.
People are entitled to their own lives, and to prioritise their own lives ahead of yours. She shouldn't need to apologise for that, adult friendships should mean weeks/months can go by without contact but when in contact again no-one should feel guilty about being busy because life is manic, especially the past couple of years.

Of course to you your pregnancy is No.1 - as it should be. But her world/life/issues havent stopped, I think your post seems quite self centred to be honest.

Thanks for your reply. I did reach out to her during this time. I just want to emphasise that I don't make demands on our friendship, I know that as adults we're entitled to our own lives and self interests and no-one owes me anything. I think it made me incredibly angry because our friendship pattern is such that I won't hear from her in a long time, usually I'll reach out a couple of times during this period to check in on her and see if she has time to meet, but she won't respond for a while then when she does she's apologetic and immediately wants to meet up. A few weeks ago she said she was sorry for not being a better friend to me (unprovoked, I hadn't said anything) and said she wanted to spend time together before she left. Hence I reached out to her and as usual, she wasn't in touch.. until she'd already left. Then she bombarded me with messages because I didn't answer her in 24 hours (when she will go days without reply) so I told her I was pissed off.

But maybe I've let my hormones and my own shit cloud my judgment of what happened. I'm feeling very confused by this situation.

Another thing is that through therapy, I've realised that I have a tendency to put other people's feelings and wants ahead of mine. I've been a classic people pleaser all my life and maybe that's why I've always had friends around me, because I fit into what is good for them, but it leaves me feeling really empty.

I can totally understand how this situation has come about, but from her perspective you're changing the terms of your friendship (you being relatively steady and able/willing to accommodate her more hectic lifestyle) at a time when she probably isn't able to handle any more upheaval. If, as you say, you've always been happy to make yourself available without any expectation that she will reciprocate, it might seem as though you are berating her for continuing in that vein just when she is at her most vulnerable.

Do you feel there was any truth in the messages she sent you? Does she have a point, or was it just an angry, defensive lashing out?

Tbh I don't think going 'days or weeks' without contact is that big a deal and maybe you and your friend just have different expectations. I know I often go weeks or months with no contact with some close friends but it doesn't make our friendship any less valid.