Gutted need a hand hold and advice

Cyclebabble · 2022-09-09T11:28:17+00:00

After nearly 25 years of marriage a couple of weeks ago my DH suddenly left. No prior warning and I thought things were ticking over as normal. He has been in touch a couple of times and says he was finding our relationship stressful. Today out of the blue divorce papers have dropped. Emotionally I am gutted. I love him dearly and thought we were partners forever. I keep writing to him asking him to speak to me so we can sort things out but he seems determined. At a practical level he has had a very sporadic work history. He did take time off to look after the kids when they were at school, but always struggled to find and maintain work. So the only pension is mine and the savings all come from either me working or an inheritance from when my mom died. If we do divorce is the settlement just going to split all of these things down the middle? I feel awful and now do not see that I can ever retire? How do you manage through this I am really strugling.

frazzledasarock · 09/09/2022 12:30

Get legal advice ASAP. None of us can help you properly. You need a good lawyer. Your husband has a thought through plan. You need legal advice.

mamabear715 · 09/09/2022 12:35

I wouldn't know the legal stuff either, @Cyclebabble But I DO know the shock. I am so sorry for you. Obviously he doesn't WANT to discuss it with you, & you sadly can't force him, which I understand is hard as you'll want to know WHY this has happened.
I wonder if he's always avoided conflict?
I hope your children are older & can give you some comfort, although I guess they are feeling pretty shattered too. Hugs.. x

spishy · 09/09/2022 12:40

Get a solicitor. As he undoubtedly already has done. Do not discuss with him. Get legal advice asap and work from their through solicitors.

spishy · 09/09/2022 12:41

Sorry you're going through this.

5YearsLeft · 09/09/2022 12:44

People who are “finding their marriages stressful” don’t walk out and then a few weeks later, deliver divorce papers. People who have decided their marriages are over and they want half of the assets and they want to put their ex-partner on the wrong foot do that. Think how despicable it is to just send those papers with no warning. Right now, you’re in shock and sadness, and who wouldn’t be, but when you start thinking of what he’s really done, you’ll find your anger.

And him walking out weeks ago, and then suddenly dropping these papers on you. That means he has a lawyer and you don’t. Which means you need a lawyer immediately. They can try to protect your assets and your retirement, if possible, and you need one as soon as possible.

My very best advice is to try to separate these two things: 1. let there be an emotional, sad part of you that is heartbroken and mourns your relationship and then 2. let there be a no-nonsense part of you that gets out there and gets a lawyer and protects your assets and realizes your ex-partner has stonewalled you for weeks while planning this and then dumped you in it. You can be both people at once.

Also, please protect and prepare your heart for news that there’s an “other woman” on the scene. Men like the one you’ve described, with sporadic work histories, who are financially reliant on their wives, don’t usually leave until there’s a new woman to be reliant on.

IrishladyNE · 09/09/2022 12:54

5YearsLeft · 09/09/2022 12:44

People who are “finding their marriages stressful” don’t walk out and then a few weeks later, deliver divorce papers. People who have decided their marriages are over and they want half of the assets and they want to put their ex-partner on the wrong foot do that. Think how despicable it is to just send those papers with no warning. Right now, you’re in shock and sadness, and who wouldn’t be, but when you start thinking of what he’s really done, you’ll find your anger.

And him walking out weeks ago, and then suddenly dropping these papers on you. That means he has a lawyer and you don’t. Which means you need a lawyer immediately. They can try to protect your assets and your retirement, if possible, and you need one as soon as possible.

My very best advice is to try to separate these two things: 1. let there be an emotional, sad part of you that is heartbroken and mourns your relationship and then 2. let there be a no-nonsense part of you that gets out there and gets a lawyer and protects your assets and realizes your ex-partner has stonewalled you for weeks while planning this and then dumped you in it. You can be both people at once.

Also, please protect and prepare your heart for news that there’s an “other woman” on the scene. Men like the one you’ve described, with sporadic work histories, who are financially reliant on their wives, don’t usually leave until there’s a new woman to be reliant on.

I hate to agree with the other woman part because it is the last thing we want to hear but my dad said it to me. He said he has met someone else and I would not hear of it but he had.

Can't imagine how hard it would be after 25 years, I hope things get better for you soon.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 09/09/2022 13:07

Well he is a total shit, but he is an organised shit and you need to get organised too. Get a solicitor, don't let the shit take your money because you are sad. Of course you are grieving but grieve separately - protect yourself - and remember - through this process - he is no longer your friend.

PainPainGoAwayToday · 09/09/2022 13:07

I agree with the post above that there is probably another woman involved. To be so sure and to just leave and not speak- he has moved on, and probably had a long time before he actually left.

It sounds as if he will also want his share of everything too and unfortunately as you are married, he will probably get half 😔 it’s not fair but he will be entitled to it. I’m no law expert but I have been through it and half the house, the savings and your pension will probably be his. You might be able to keep the inheritance though, if you’ve never made it “joint money” by putting it into the mortgage or anything. Anyway everyone is right, you need a solicitor ASAP. Only they can properly advise you. I’m sorry you are going through this x

butterflied · 09/09/2022 13:11

5YearsLeft · 09/09/2022 12:44

People who are “finding their marriages stressful” don’t walk out and then a few weeks later, deliver divorce papers. People who have decided their marriages are over and they want half of the assets and they want to put their ex-partner on the wrong foot do that. Think how despicable it is to just send those papers with no warning. Right now, you’re in shock and sadness, and who wouldn’t be, but when you start thinking of what he’s really done, you’ll find your anger.

And him walking out weeks ago, and then suddenly dropping these papers on you. That means he has a lawyer and you don’t. Which means you need a lawyer immediately. They can try to protect your assets and your retirement, if possible, and you need one as soon as possible.

My very best advice is to try to separate these two things: 1. let there be an emotional, sad part of you that is heartbroken and mourns your relationship and then 2. let there be a no-nonsense part of you that gets out there and gets a lawyer and protects your assets and realizes your ex-partner has stonewalled you for weeks while planning this and then dumped you in it. You can be both people at once.

Also, please protect and prepare your heart for news that there’s an “other woman” on the scene. Men like the one you’ve described, with sporadic work histories, who are financially reliant on their wives, don’t usually leave until there’s a new woman to be reliant on.

This is good advice. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

neverfunny · 09/09/2022 13:12

5YearsLeft · 09/09/2022 12:44

People who are “finding their marriages stressful” don’t walk out and then a few weeks later, deliver divorce papers. People who have decided their marriages are over and they want half of the assets and they want to put their ex-partner on the wrong foot do that. Think how despicable it is to just send those papers with no warning. Right now, you’re in shock and sadness, and who wouldn’t be, but when you start thinking of what he’s really done, you’ll find your anger.

And him walking out weeks ago, and then suddenly dropping these papers on you. That means he has a lawyer and you don’t. Which means you need a lawyer immediately. They can try to protect your assets and your retirement, if possible, and you need one as soon as possible.

My very best advice is to try to separate these two things: 1. let there be an emotional, sad part of you that is heartbroken and mourns your relationship and then 2. let there be a no-nonsense part of you that gets out there and gets a lawyer and protects your assets and realizes your ex-partner has stonewalled you for weeks while planning this and then dumped you in it. You can be both people at once.

Also, please protect and prepare your heart for news that there’s an “other woman” on the scene. Men like the one you’ve described, with sporadic work histories, who are financially reliant on their wives, don’t usually leave until there’s a new woman to be reliant on.

I love what you have said here about separating the two things. It feels so obvious but seeing it written down makes me see that you can be both sad and emotional, but also practical and sensible. That is really good advice.

ICanHideButICantRun · 09/09/2022 13:16

I would put money on there being another woman who he's living off now, OP. Get yourself a good lawyer and be prepared for a bumpy ride.

purpleboy · 09/09/2022 14:05

He's had time to plan this op, I know it's really horrible advice but I'd seriously consider hiding any assets I can, especially if it means you'll struggle to retire because he'll take your mums inheritance and your pension.

Original poster

Cyclebabble · 09/09/2022 14:07

Thanks for the comments so far. I do not think there is anyone else involved, but he does seem to have thought this through. I am still trying to get him to talk to me. After this length of time I think he should at least do this. Our savings and investments are set up as you might expect with a lot in his name as he would not pay as much tax.

OP posts:

vivainsomnia · 09/09/2022 14:12

@5YearsLeft, great post and advice.

Pinkdelight3 · 09/09/2022 14:20

Some good advice here, and sadly I do agree with the other woman element, it's vanishingly rare than men tend to leave without something else lined up. But just to add, in case you've not been there, the Relationships board on here is great for longer-term support and advice through these kind of situations.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/09/2022 14:31

I'm so sorry, op. Sadly, I am quite confident that there's another woman. Men like your husband don't leave without someone new to depend on. Get a solicitor and get ruthless.