To ask for some help with night feeds?

[TeddyisMydog]

Me and my partner have 3 older children and a 9 month old baby.
I work 7.45-5pm and have a second job in the evening.
For 9 months I have done every single night feed, bar 2 nights in June where I asked my partner to have her the whole night as I was on my knees with exhaustion

She's been awake since 10.50ish so I took her downstairs (where he is sleeping) after trying to get her back to sleep for over an hour. I asked him to get her back to sleep as I need to be up in 6 hours.
He snapped back "yeah so do I" "some of us are also trying to sleep"

But there's no point in trying to reason with him that I do every single night feed and have done for months. I feel too angry to go back to bed and wish I hadn't bothered asking. We used to be such a team

He is at home with the children/baby as he is waiting for security clearance for employment. So a one off really isn't that big of a deal is it?
How do we get back to being that team?
(And yes she's one of those babies that still has 5 feeds in the night and spends a good 2 hours just randomly awake 🥲 )

You're working 2 jobs and doing all the night wakings on top? He's taking the absolute piss and I'm angry on your behalf!

Why on Earth is his not doing the majority of night feeds if you’re the only one working - especially as you’d working two jobs!

Can you imagine a man who as working two jobs doing the night feeds as well, whilst his non working wife did none? The most you should be doing is the odd night here and there to help him out, not all of them.

You're working two jobs and doing all the night waking and he doesn't work but thinks he needs a full night undisturbed sleep every night? Whata pathetic waste of oxygen.

Can you ask him why he thinks he needs sleep and you don't? What's he doing that's so much more important?

OP I see why you are upset.

However just to give you some perspective when I was on mat leave my husband woke up with our son every single night/night feed. Being a SAHP is exhausting (as you probably know).

His pride is also probably hurting because you are the one working and providing.

Its very hard and he shouldn't have snapped at you but he is perhaps finding everything hard at the moment too.

I think you guys need to talk and have a proper discussion about this rather than snapping at each other through the night.

Admittedly he was working from Jan-May
But we decided it was better for my mh to be out and working. So it's just sort of carried on from there
I've been awake since 11 with no help. I thought my body would get used to it but I just feel worse than ever.
Even worse on the weekend (I don't work weekends) as I'd like a lie in but don't ever get it as he is having a lie in.
Yesterday he was asleep until 7.45 where I'd been up since half 4

He wasn't like this with the others, if anything I would be the one sleeping too much, not helping with the kids or house work but it feels one sided these days

I'm just up having done the night feed with my little one.
Your partner is taking the absolute piss.
You are working 2 jobs, you should absolutely not be up in the might with any sort of regularity.

Shoe on the other foot here. Ofcourse I do all of the night feeds, it goes hand in hand with being the default parent who doesn't need to be at work all day the following day.

As you know, being at home with the children all day isn't a walk in the park, it can be hard mentally, and it can feel isolating and almost like you aren't a person in your own right anymore, however if one of you is taking the financial burden, the other needs to deal with bulk of the child rearing.

Open communication is the only way to get back to being a team

I have to disagree. Night feeds do not or should not totally fall on the SAHP. Being a SAHP is a hard job. Hard if not harder than paid employment!

I didnt say it was easier than paid employment. Certainly isn't. However I have my views, and they're based on both being the parent who does the night feeds then goes to work all day and also as the parent who's at home the next day with the kids.

The way myself and my husband support one another is by working as a team.
I didnt like the feeling of being tired, and working (maybe our individual circumstances dictate my thoughts a bit, we work in Construction and have a fairly long commute, tiredness puts the risks of accidents both in the car and on site up)
And as a partner, I couldn't expect DH to be up with baby then send him to work, and wouldn't want to be in the habit of doing it myself with regularity.
I did it once, subsequent days I've worked since, DH has done the night feeds to allow me to go to work feeling refreshed.

OP aside from the complete waste of space your DP is (did you both want the baby?) you need to find a way to resolve this as you are making yourself ill. it’s not possible to manage on so little sleep for so long and hold down jobs.

something significant has obviously changed in your house regarding finances I presume and also you mention your own mental health? Tell us more.

No he didn't want this baby if I'm being honest, it was our 4th and we were already struggling to cope.
But I'd already had a number of terminations including a d&c when it didn't fully complete. It wasn't something I could put myself through again
I was working throughout my pregnancy but after the c section I somehow had sepsis and was in hdu for a while. I was sterilised during the c section and found out 11 weeks later that it hadn't worked, I had a miscarriage. So I handed in my notice as I just wasn't in the right frame of mind to work.

He quickly found work but it was only ever a temporary contract that's why it ended in May

The 2nd job I'm doing is about to end in a fortnight and has really helped us massively, it's a temp contract for a shop.

My own mh is a lot better since I've been in work, I've met a great friend who makes me laugh so much and I enjoy both of my jobs.

You’ve been through a lot. There’s more to this than him being lazy, that’s just how it’s manifesting if he’s ok with the other children? I don’t know how but you guys need to change the conversation as this isn’t just about night feeds.

He’s perhaps got conflicting emotions about the new baby. Stressed and depressed about his job etc. None of that excuses his behaviour as you need support or you’ll end up ill or separated. Can you write it down instead if talking ends up escalating or you’re too tired to? It makes me feel like X when Y happens. I want to understand how you feel so we can resolve etc.