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AIBU?

To report DH to police ?

27 replies

icallitaday · 08/09/2022 20:59

Long story short

Been with DH 10 years, kids, mortgage etc typical family life

Past few months have been horrendous, I am on the council waiting list to leave him (he doesn't know or he wouldn't allow it)

At the beginning he was physical toward me , he was arrested- notning came of it and I left, he got help an we worked things out and been fine since literally nothing to complain about but past few months he's started again, he has it in his head Iv been cheating- no proof, he can bet my phone bill up on our account and see everything and it's never locked etc. I literally don't leave the house or drink or anything or do lunch with the girls I just never have Bothered And if I do anything it's with him and the kids he's the one who goes the gym everyday, pub on a weekend etc, I don't have any social media I'm a very private person. Met him when 17

So now here is my issue, he was my first ever love an I was besotted and trusted him. We took some stupid stupid videos together.... Iv never done this before or even crossed my mind but why not I trusted him with my life an he wanted to for when we wasn't together.... okay?
So now he's saying I'm a slag and a slut and done XYZ (I personally think GUILTY as Iv never done a bloody thing, if I had I'd not be with the horrible bastard) he's just said to me "it's okay Iv got you back for been a slag Iv been with people behind your back to and Iv shown all my friends and people in the gym them videos"
Iv never seen them an didn't know they still existed as it was at the beginning....

I am all set to leave him, getting secret help
From council, womens aid etc hence priority for housing and il go with the kids when he's not here as soon as we get a house on the council, I cannot afford private alone or save for that matter on top of paying the bills.

Do I report him for this when I leave ? If I do would I even be believed or am I just wasting my time an just be happy I'm finally out an enjoy life again with the kids

And before I get any hate-
I wish I could see the future and know he was always going to go back to square 1!!!! But he seriously fooled me and all his family, everyone thought he was a different man after he got help ?!

My kids come first and need/deserve better from me !! He doesn't matter what so ever anymore

OP posts:
Berthatydfil · 08/09/2022 21:08

You made those intimate videos with and for him as part of an intimate loving relationship.
The fact that he is apparently willing to share these with others says far more about him than you.
Revenge porn is an offence, police officers will have been trained to deal with these, so report him and dont feel ashamed. If you don't report him he will hold it over you for ever.

MozzarellaMonster · 08/09/2022 21:08

My heart goes out to you, hopefully he hasn't shown anyone and is just being cruel to hurt you.
I'm not sure what the legalities are and if there's anything you can do about him having these videos but hopefully someone else will come along to help but sounds like a very very good decision to get out and I really hope that's soon for you Flowers

SucculentSunshine · 08/09/2022 21:13

Do you have proof he’s shown anyone? Or do you have written proof that he’s threatened to show people?

bloodywhitecat · 08/09/2022 21:15

No hate from me, and you don't deserve hate from anyone. I just wanted to wish you luck in leaving him. I hope you go on to have a wonderful life and I hope he gets what he deserves. Yes, report him for those videos, it is an offence now.

icallitaday · 08/09/2022 21:16

SucculentSunshine · 08/09/2022 21:13

Do you have proof he’s shown anyone? Or do you have written proof that he’s threatened to show people?

Just what he's verbally said....
I will 100% try get it on a text atleast as he's now said it but I do have sneak recordings of some of the things he says to me.... the threats etc x

OP posts:
TooHotToTangoToo · 08/09/2022 21:16

It's called revenge porn and it's illegal. Call the police when you're safe, if nothing else it creates a record of his abuse

FTMFML · 08/09/2022 21:16

@Berthatydfil
This!

Well done OP you are being so brave and I commend you for choosing the best for your family.

icallitaday · 08/09/2022 21:21

Thank you all ❤️

I havnt told anyone what's going on and what I'm doing Iv been so secretive and snide I really have ( I feel bad as he's saying that's what I'm like but I'm genuinely doing this for my baby's) this is the first time Iv even said anything out open to anyone appart from professionals. I feel like Iv breathed ??

I'm not the best mum I can be to my baby's if I'm dealing with him daily and being put down and getting down myself n

OP posts:
SirGawain · 08/09/2022 21:39

No decent man would watch such videos, or remain friends with him if he behaved in such fashion.

Bluemoon22 · 08/09/2022 21:55

Report him to the police, revenge porn is illegal.

YukoandHiro · 08/09/2022 22:01

As others have said, this is a criminal offence and expert police officers know how to handle these allegations.

Carry on with your plan to leave. When you're separated and safer, if he makes the same threat again immediately report him

SophieIsHereToday · 08/09/2022 22:14

icallitaday · 08/09/2022 21:16

Just what he's verbally said....
I will 100% try get it on a text atleast as he's now said it but I do have sneak recordings of some of the things he says to me.... the threats etc x

I saw a program that for a charge to stick they have to mean to hurt or humiliate you. If they say they shared them but didn't mean to hurt you, then they can't prosecute.

So if you do get it in writing hopefully it will be clear what his intentions are too.

icallitaday · 08/09/2022 22:24

@SophieIsHereToday he said it's payback for me being such a horrible slag..... to laugh at me an that everyone knows I'm a slag and I'm easy"

OP posts:
Divebar2021 · 08/09/2022 22:29

I saw a program that for a charge to stick they have to mean to hurt or humiliate you

well it’s hard to argue you didn’t intend to humiliate someone if you’re also calling them a slag.

FlissyPaps · 08/09/2022 22:35

icallitaday · 08/09/2022 22:24

@SophieIsHereToday he said it's payback for me being such a horrible slag..... to laugh at me an that everyone knows I'm a slag and I'm easy"

These will just be words OP. Vile nasty empty words. Lies even.

No one who knows you will think you’re a slag, or easy. I’m pretty certain if he’s shown anyone these videos they would be deeply disturbed by him showing them such private and intimate videos.

Do not let this get to you. As others have said, this is revenge porn and is a crime. Please do report him to police when you feel ready and safe to do so.

You should be proud of yourself that you have a plan to leave him. I imagine it’s not been easy.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 08/09/2022 22:38

Just tell him you are so terrible you can't possibly expect him to stay with you. Suggest he packs tonight..
Can you get some money together op? If /when you need to claim benefits as a single person there may be a time of no financial help. I filed for divorce and claimed benefits stating a date of separation with my solicitor and using that to start a single claim..
Then I told dh.

pheonixrebirth · 08/09/2022 22:43

Do not let him hold those recordings over your head. There is no shame in trusting someone you believed loved you who you were in love with. Anyone who even entertained watching those recordings is the scum of the Earth anyhow.
And I absolutely would report him for those threats because if anything it builds a bigger picture of the abuse you have been living through. He is literally trying to blackmail you.

pheonixrebirth · 08/09/2022 22:44

Also I'm just wondering if he is older than you?

user1473878824 · 08/09/2022 23:10

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 08/09/2022 22:38

Just tell him you are so terrible you can't possibly expect him to stay with you. Suggest he packs tonight..
Can you get some money together op? If /when you need to claim benefits as a single person there may be a time of no financial help. I filed for divorce and claimed benefits stating a date of separation with my solicitor and using that to start a single claim..
Then I told dh.

If he’s violent I would just stick with your plan to leave and get out and get safe - don’t tell him anything. Once you’re out get advice from the police.

Pinkyxx · 08/09/2022 23:15

Op - You are not a slag and I don't judge you. You are a strong woman to put your babies first and walk away from this vile man. You deserve better as do your children.

If I was you I'd text him saying you're incredibly hurt by the things he said - list them in the text - including the ''slag'' slur and that he stated he showed his friends the intimate videos , and that he plans to tell everyone etc. Be very clear how upset you and horrified at what he has done.

Hopefully he will repeat the vile threats in his response to you. This will provide you with evidence.

Then - report him to the police and show them the evidence. Revenge Porn is a crime, with evidence, if it transpires he has shown these videos to people he can & should be prosecuted. Please also report all historic abuse. Men like him need to understand they cannot behave like this.

once you have a safe plan to leave, go and never look back.

Cw112 · 08/09/2022 23:18

Absolutely you report him he is flat out abusing and controlling you and you are absolutely right to leave I'm so glad you're making those steps. If you needed to leave before your housing came through refuge is always an option too. As for the videos what a scummy thing to use against you. But he could be prosecuted for that and from what you've said I would think you'll be believed. Womens aid will be able to help you with that side as well. Please be careful over the next while until things are ready, maybe keep an emergency bag at a friend or relatives house that he doesn't know about with your Id some clothes and money and if you think you could keep an emergency phone hidden well enough then maybe do that as well. Good luck, I really hope you leave and never look back sometimes we need to clear the weeds to let the flowers grow xx

Ottersmith · 08/09/2022 23:58

Revenge porn and coercive control is a crime. Keep a record of these incidents and tell the police. He absolutely can be arrested and charged for this. I hope you get a council place soon.

Twawmyarse · 09/09/2022 00:06

No one on here would give you any hate my love. Dont believe a word he says - he's getting desperate bc he has an inkling you don't give a shit about him any more so he's ramping up the threats. HE's probably the one cheating - abusive men often accuse their partners of this when they are up to no good themselves.

Echoing what pp's have said, revenge porn is illegal and he could get into a lot of trouble for it - though I don't believe for a minute he's been showing videos to his mates - and how do you know they even exist if you've never seen them? More likely he has no such videos but is using the threat of them to keep you in your place. Also, Make sure you keep ALL the abusive texts off him. Hold onto that anger to get you through this and out the door.
Wishing you the very best of luck 💐

OngoingCrisis · 09/09/2022 00:17

I don't have any solid advice for you but I think he may be bluffing about the videos, however, you say you met at 17. Were you 17 when the videos were taken? I ask as (if he really did share the videos) he may be contravening the sexual offences act 2003. It's an offence to spread/show indecent images of anyone under 18

rnsaslkih · 09/09/2022 00:27

If he showed the videos to someone, any normal person would think that he was awful. I wouldn’t worry about it, regardless of whether he’s bluffing or not. If someone said they were going to show me a video of themselves/a friend/family having sex, I’d tell them they were fucked in the head and wouldn’t watch it.

even if he published it online for the whole world to see, very few people would care honestly. Try not to worry about that aspect of the situation.

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