Being made to feel guilty for going to work

Rushingrushing · 2022-09-08T12:06:33+00:00

This is more of a rant or asking for advice. I have a 17 month old child. He has has numerous medical issues, nothing serious!! I started back to work in Jan full time but came to an agreement with my boss that I could work from home part time to look after DS, partner works shift so it was based around his roster. Some weeks I didn't come into the office at all but could only get the majority of my work done when DS went to bed. Anyway my partner is out of work the past 2 weeks with "work related stress" due to an ongoing bullying issue. I assumed with him at home that I could go back to the office full time, which I have done. In that 2 weeks he has been so angry that I told my boss that I could come in full time, he thinks I should have said nothing and both of us could be home most of the time (more like so I would still look after DS). He has been asked by friends to play golf a few times over the 2 week period. I offered to go in late one morning so he can get a very early round in but he said no, I also offered to contact aunts and SIL to mind DS while he plays he still says no. He doesn't want anyone to mind DS except me! Today his texts were very short so I asked was he angry and he said he's angry at the whole situation but there's no point in him saying anything because I will just point out the same things and nothing will happen so forget it. I said no I won't forget it, I'm sick of being made to feel guilty for going to work and that he doesn't get to have a big rant then tell me to forget it before I have my say. Now he's ignoring me. This is all because he said no to playing golf 4 times in 2 weeks. I said play on a Saturday or Sunday but he doesn't want to pay the extra, he just wants to sulk. 2 days ago he called me a part time mam. I was fuming and he just said ah it was a joke, relax. My DS has been in and out of hospital and was 12 months old before I ever left him, and even then I cried. Other than work I am constantly with him. I just don't know what to do. DP will be out of work until Oct 12th that we know of and I dread his list of complaints everyday.

Doingprettywellthanks · 08/09/2022 13:11

To be fair

he is off on sick leave

Although fact you use quotation marks would indicate you doubt the veracity

Doingprettywellthanks · 08/09/2022 13:12

Don’t get me wrong

he sounds like a twat

but if he sick leave is genuine then he was reasonable not to be happy

TinySaltLick · 08/09/2022 13:16

But tricky without knowing the back story, but the whole point of taking time off work for stress is to reenergise and recover, which is sounds like your decision has made more difficult

Obviously he needs to look after his family like any father, but a slightly oppirtunistic return to work may have been a bit uncaring in that moment

NessLockwood · 08/09/2022 13:17

Maybe he got bullied because he's a weakling little man-baby who gets all upset that his wife goes to work like a proper adult, while he sits at home crying because he can't go play with his friends all day and has to look after a child.

Honestly, he sounds a complete bellend. He just wants to sit at home and do nothing and play golf. He doesn't want to work or parent. What a guy.

LuftBalloons · 08/09/2022 13:23

YANBU. Definitely not unreasonable.

Your husband sounds like the most awful sexist pig.

Don’t men realise how this behaviour leads to divorce?

Hymnulop · 08/09/2022 13:29

NessLockwood · 08/09/2022 13:17

Maybe he got bullied because he's a weakling little man-baby who gets all upset that his wife goes to work like a proper adult, while he sits at home crying because he can't go play with his friends all day and has to look after a child.

Honestly, he sounds a complete bellend. He just wants to sit at home and do nothing and play golf. He doesn't want to work or parent. What a guy.

This!

Op I am wondering if you're Irish based on the use of the word mam. There is definitely still a cultural issue with some Irish men that women stay home and do all the child rearing. It's wrong but it is ingrained in some. Keep doing your thing and ignore him, better still bin him off.

MaChienEstUnDick · 08/09/2022 13:36

When he's not off work, how much does he do for his child?

RealBecca · 08/09/2022 13:40

Yanbu!! At all! Off for bullying at work means he isnt being bullied at home, he cant opt out of family life. Especially if he is up to golf. Os he normally jealous of other men being around you? He sounds controlling. Is he being bullied at work or is he being accused of bullying?

Original poster

Rushingrushing · 08/09/2022 13:53

To add, he has had a few arguments with another man in the job, the other man has told him to f**k off etc and refused to communicate. This was reported to management but nothing was done so he went out sick just to prove a point. If I thought for minute that he was actually sick or stressed I would make sure he got help.
I am Irish and it is definitely still a thing that men expect women to work, look after the house and children. Not in all cases but with my friends it's common.
He is great with our son, plays with him, brings him for walks etc but wants to be praised for this. I still cook DS dinners and leave them ready, also DP has never bathed DS or brought him to any play groups or appointments. That's all me.
I just feel like I'm on eggshells all the time.

OP posts:

Ineedsleepandcoffee · 08/09/2022 13:57

If he is off work with stress, he needs that time to get his head straight, it shouldn't really change the hours or way you work.

Teenyliving · 08/09/2022 13:59

Did you ask bil and uncles to help it or just the women OP?

he’s a prat but sounds like you’ve made a bed…

MzHz · 08/09/2022 14:00

Well he’s a waste of space then! Tell him he’s either at work - in which case you’ll work round him - or he’s not and you’ll be going to the office and he cares for his ds.

make sure HE does the meals/baths etc while he’s SAHD, and he’ll soon be hurtling back into work.

id really resent this behaviour and it would kill my relationship stone dead.

Crunchymum · 08/09/2022 14:01

Doesn't sound like he's genuinely sick. Sounds like he is abusing the company's sick policy to make a point.

Another redeeming quality to add the the list.

Thehonestbadger · 08/09/2022 14:09

@Doingprettywellthanks

(massive sigh and exasperated eye roll)

Yes and I’m sure if it were the other way around and OP had been signed off work with ‘stress’ her husband would have tripped over himself in his hurry to be off work himself to care for their child and support her….

wait what’s that?
….
No he wouldn’t. He obviously would have just left her to it and carried on going to work as normal. Can you honestly imagine his response if she’d got mad at him because she couldn’t p*SS about playing golf whilst he tried to WFH and care for their child?

honestly I’m laughing at this. So deeply highlights the massive gender gap in parenting!

AryaStarkWolf · 08/09/2022 14:18

Rushingrushing · 08/09/2022 13:53

To add, he has had a few arguments with another man in the job, the other man has told him to f**k off etc and refused to communicate. This was reported to management but nothing was done so he went out sick just to prove a point. If I thought for minute that he was actually sick or stressed I would make sure he got help.
I am Irish and it is definitely still a thing that men expect women to work, look after the house and children. Not in all cases but with my friends it's common.
He is great with our son, plays with him, brings him for walks etc but wants to be praised for this. I still cook DS dinners and leave them ready, also DP has never bathed DS or brought him to any play groups or appointments. That's all me.
I just feel like I'm on eggshells all the time.

I'm Irish, and in my friendship group it isn't a thing, all my close friends work and their husbands pull their weight with childcare and at home as does my DH, it's anecdotal of course but so is yours.

Your DH sounds like a sexist pig

Goldbar · 08/09/2022 14:35

I have a lot of sympathy with you and I think your partner sounds like a sexist idiot.

But...and this is a big but...your childcare arrangements (or more specifically, lack thereof) sound crazy. You should not be working as you are (and it's unclear from your post whether you are usually part-time/full-time?) without proper childcare in place... it sounds intensely stressful and you are going to run yourself into the ground! You need to get some reasonable arrangements in place so that your DC is properly cared for while you are working (whether in the office or at home).

Doingprettywellthanks · 08/09/2022 14:47

Rushingrushing · 08/09/2022 13:53

To add, he has had a few arguments with another man in the job, the other man has told him to f**k off etc and refused to communicate. This was reported to management but nothing was done so he went out sick just to prove a point. If I thought for minute that he was actually sick or stressed I would make sure he got help.
I am Irish and it is definitely still a thing that men expect women to work, look after the house and children. Not in all cases but with my friends it's common.
He is great with our son, plays with him, brings him for walks etc but wants to be praised for this. I still cook DS dinners and leave them ready, also DP has never bathed DS or brought him to any play groups or appointments. That's all me.
I just feel like I'm on eggshells all the time.

So the problem between you is actually more serious that just this issue

and he was signed off by a GP for two weeks on the basis of this?

AryaStarkWolf · 08/09/2022 14:49

Doingprettywellthanks · 08/09/2022 14:47

So the problem between you is actually more serious that just this issue

and he was signed off by a GP for two weeks on the basis of this?

Show quote history

All you have to do is call in and tell the GP how anxious and upset you are over work and they will sign it for you.

Doingprettywellthanks · 08/09/2022 14:57

AryaStarkWolf · 08/09/2022 14:49

All you have to do is call in and tell the GP how anxious and upset you are over work and they will sign it for you.

Show quote history

Some will but if this was every case - bloody hell that’s depressing

Londonnorth · 08/09/2022 15:02

I think you are sensible to make sure your employment is secure. I have a disabled child and get a huge amount of flexibility from my employer, but I dont take it for granted. I would do the same as you go to work whenever I could to show my commitment (and bank some goodwill) for the inevitable times you will need more flexibility for your child. Staying home and not doing your work in expected work hours and having to make the time up at night so he can play golf is ridiculous especially as he is risking your financial security by annoying his employer.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/09/2022 15:05

Thehonestbadger · 08/09/2022 14:09

@Doingprettywellthanks

(massive sigh and exasperated eye roll)

Yes and I’m sure if it were the other way around and OP had been signed off work with ‘stress’ her husband would have tripped over himself in his hurry to be off work himself to care for their child and support her….

wait what’s that?
….
No he wouldn’t. He obviously would have just left her to it and carried on going to work as normal. Can you honestly imagine his response if she’d got mad at him because she couldn’t p*SS about playing golf whilst he tried to WFH and care for their child?

honestly I’m laughing at this. So deeply highlights the massive gender gap in parenting!

All of this. Any time a SAHM on here says she's incredibly ill, can barely move, coming out of both ends, should her DH take one day off, she's told no.

But a man needs a woman to WFT AND take care of a child while he GOLFS because he's sick. In this case 'sick'.

He's useless.

Bugger, now I have to be nicer to DH for being a basically competent and good person.

Original poster

Rushingrushing · 08/09/2022 15:08

@AryaStarkWolf you're right that it's not all cases but with my friends, cousins and women in work it is definitely the majority. You're also right that he just called the doc and said he's stressed and doc just asked what dates to put on the note, plus when those dates end call again if he wants more time.
@Goldbar the creche fees in our area are €1200 a month and that is if you are lucky enough to get a space, the last creche we spoke to 2 weeks ago have a year waiting list. Also I work for a non profit organisation so my boss couldn't give me a pay rise, especially after covid. This is why he agreed to the wfh sometimes. A women I worked with for 8 years retired and offered to mind DS everyday (she's like a mam to me and Nan to DS) but DP said no thanks. I don't get this but won't go against his wishes as I think whatever we decide should be agreed by both of us and both should feel comfortable.

OP posts:

Doingprettywellthanks · 08/09/2022 15:09

Oh I stated he was a complete twat

but of being signed off as incapable for work for 2 weeks as actually meaning that… then it would put a different spin on it.

but the op says he’s basically lied to the GP and swung a note.

Doingprettywellthanks · 08/09/2022 15:10

Take this issue out of the equation op, would I be wrong to think your relationship is pretty shit generally?

Original poster

Rushingrushing · 08/09/2022 15:16

@Doingprettywellthanks I don't think so, we've been together for 8 years, had similar interests, sense of humour, got on great with family/friends. We bought our house in 2020 and both decided to then try for a baby. As I stated our DS has medical issues and has been and still is in and out if hospitals so that took a toll on us. I really don't know when I started feeling like I was walking on eggshells with him.

OP posts: