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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have a third child?

26 replies

Tortoiseandhare · 08/09/2022 09:50

I know there are loads of threads on this already. I can’t help thinking about having another baby. If we conceived straight away, by the time the baby arrived I would be 40, DH 45, and our lovely DC age 7 and just turned 5. Are we too old / is the age gap too big? We are financially ok and planning to move to a bigger house anyway. I appreciate there would be an environmental impact too. Thank you for your thoughts.

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 08/09/2022 09:55

It’s an unanswerable question! Except for you and your DH

I was done after two - deciding factors were paying for x more years of childcare, having to change car, financial strain, strain on me as primary care giver, logistics of school, clubs etc
also, and I now have teens - things have been challenging!

the gap is quite large but I suppose your oldest would both be at school so you’d had time for a little one

rubyslippers · 08/09/2022 09:56

I would say at 40 the risk of issues for you and the baby are higher - of course loads of women have healthy pregnancies and babies but the risk is increased

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 08/09/2022 09:58

I know a family of 3 where there's a similar gap. I feel sorry for the youngest as the two older ones buddy up all the time and she gets left to her own devices.

partypingal · 08/09/2022 10:01

I think it could be tricky. My friends have similar gaps and find it hard to accommodate all the different interests. Also they felt they were a bit done with all the little kid activities and now worry that the youngest missed out/ misses out. But they are a happy family I think. Just have challenges related to much younger DS.

UpYourOwnAss · 08/09/2022 10:26

As they say, having a third is financial suicide. Bigger car, house, 3 lots of Christmas & presents, 3 lots of after school activities etc..

Also its important to remember when trying for a baby that you may end up with two. Twins!

NYCMUM12 · 04/03/2023 18:58

@Tortoiseandhare what did you decide to do? I’m in a similar situation

FlappyValley · 04/03/2023 19:03

I’m a similar age with 2 similar-aged DC and I wouldn’t have a third for all the tea in China. I’m beyond knackered just with two. Going back to sleepless nights, colic, nappies, potty training, toddler tantrums etc over 40? No thank you! But if you and your DH have got the mental and physical strength good luck to you!

Minnie234 · 04/03/2023 19:32

I only have one, definitely want a second and i’m already debating having a third 😂

If you can afford to then I would says go for it, my Mum has a 7 plus year age gap between her and her older siblings and my Grandma was 40 when she had her. They all have lovely relationships and I’d like that for my children.

JMSA · 04/03/2023 19:35

Don't do it! I have 3 daughters and it's a funny dynamic; a bit like when you were in a friendship of 3 at school (ie it seldom works!).
Also I'm sure I read recently that parents of 3 are likely to be the most stressed!

threeplusmum · 04/03/2023 19:35

Why are you asking strangers on a forum for.

HVPRN · 04/03/2023 19:41

Life is too short for regrets :) if it's what you want; go for it. I have a 12 & 15y old and a 3m old, I am 37y. The older two adore the youngest and the youngest lights up when the older two come in the room, which makes them melt! They're already protective over her. My sister is also pregnant (39y) and has older children. We work really hard on our careers, are aware of the childcare costs with new little ones etc. The sleepiness nights aren't that bad (I EBF so she easily drifts back off to sleep) and we have found activities that all of us can do together.

There was a thread the other day about having children over 40 - so so many are doing it now!

drpet49 · 04/03/2023 19:42

I say go for it.

Beginningless · 04/03/2023 19:47

This had been my plan for ages, although I’m 41 but kids are similar ages. Have tried for 9mo and it hasn’t happened, and have just decided to pause a couple of months and decide is this definitely what we want. I was finding the uncertainty hard to bear and I do believe things happen/don’t happen for a reason. Now that I am thinking of it more with my head than my heart, I am really unsure. I’ve read all the threads too and generally just focused on the ‘it’ll be great’ comments. One of the things that’s really getting me is the idea that I will miss the ‘golden years’ of my other two, dealing with a wee one. Currently I get quite a bit of one to one time with each and I doubt that would be sustainable. But I feel grief thinking of not being pregnant and giving birth again, and for the larger family I imagined. Only you can know what’s right for you.

Moonicorn · 04/03/2023 19:50

Go for it. Yes you’re older parents but you already have 2 and in my view that cushions the negative effects of older parents. Mumsnet users really don’t like anyone having more than 2 children though so just bear that in mind 😉 I’m 35 weeks with number 2, and plan on ttc number 3 around November/December depending on the sleep situation 😂

RampantIvy · 05/03/2023 09:39

I can't answer for your age and the age gap.

However, these are what you need to consider:

The horrors of parenting teenagers x 3

Teenagers are expensive - clothes, laptops x 3, mobile phones x 3. Yes, these are things they need for schoolwork and keeping in touch with friends.

The stress of GCSEs and A levels x 3

UCAS x 3

Supporting through university x 3

Then there is the emotional stress - friendship issues, bullying, relationship issues.

Never underestimate how much a teenager needs you on an emotional level. It is nothing like making a small child feel better when a kiss and a cuddle is all that is required.

kitcat15 · 05/03/2023 09:52

I’m 58 ……I had a 3rd way back when my older 2 were 7 and 5 years….I found it very very hard going back to baby years whilst doing school run, working and taking older ones to activities……there were about 5 years when it was really not very enjoyable if I’m honest and I suffered depression linked to be overwhelmed at having 3 children…..the 3rd baby wasn’t planned….I was quite happy with DS1 and DD …..but anyway we managed ……money was tight…..we still has holidays but not the ones we would have had with only 2 children….we put in a loft conversion…..but my 3rd always felt like an only child…..i always felt he was quite lonely….the other 2 were off doing their things as they were older…..I would definitely never choose to have a 3rd child these days….but that’s just me….mine are grown up now and of course I don’t regret having DS2 …..and he has a little DD of his own now … I wish you well, whatever you decide

Bettyboop3 · 05/03/2023 09:57

threeplusmum · 04/03/2023 19:35

Why are you asking strangers on a forum for.

For their thoughts and experiences 🤔 why bother posting if you have nothing of any value to add?

deliciousdevilwoman · 05/03/2023 10:02

I was nearly 42 when I gave birth to my third and final, child. There is a massive age gap between my adult DTS’s and my youngest. It never caused an issue

Mummyme87 · 05/03/2023 10:08

I’m am TTC #3. Have been since October 2021, unexpectedly run in to secondary infertility. We currently have a 5yr old and almost 9yr old, I’m 36 and OH 45.

it’s a totally individual decision. If you want another, and can afford another, do it. Assuming you had fairly healthy previous pregnancies also. Yes the older you get the bigger the risks involved for pregnancy but you will be monitored accordingly.

Nosandwichfilling · 05/03/2023 10:17

How poor do you want to be?

I have written a post on the who retired in their fifties thread and the two friends I have with three kids are not on the list of friends who I know that have managed it and will not be retiring even a tiny bit early. One had an unplanned PG aged 40, her kids were 7 and 9. It’s easier now he is 13 but she had about 5 years where she was just totally snowed under.

mogsrus · 05/03/2023 10:25

And the cost of living at the moment is how much! just think what another 10yrs will be like.You will be 50 & DH 55. Time does take its toll on everything

Georgeandzippyzoo · 05/03/2023 10:28

Obviously only for you and your DH really to decide.
On the age gaps this REALLY narks me, like the 2yr gap is the best/only one to have.
I am.the 3rd of 4 Siblings.
When the youngest was born we were 9, 7, 5(me) and baby. Me and the 7yr old fought most of our childhood. The 'baby' was adored and doted on by us all (although I wasn't keen for the first 2 weeks apparently!).
We are now 56, 54, 52 and 47 and we are all much closer but all still look out for/more care for the younger one.
I think a lot of people do stop after their kids get to a certain age vecause uou don't want to go back to all the dependence and ofcourse now it's childcare costs can prohibit it.
Your choice. I would have loved to have had another but it didn't happen x

Bettyboop3 · 05/03/2023 10:37

Nosandwichfilling · 05/03/2023 10:17

How poor do you want to be?

I have written a post on the who retired in their fifties thread and the two friends I have with three kids are not on the list of friends who I know that have managed it and will not be retiring even a tiny bit early. One had an unplanned PG aged 40, her kids were 7 and 9. It’s easier now he is 13 but she had about 5 years where she was just totally snowed under.

We have 3 & DH retired early 50s. All depends on people's individual circumstances.

NYCMUM12 · 05/03/2023 13:56

@Georgeandzippyzoo I appreciate this! The age gap is the only thing holding me back! I’m a SAHM and we can hire an afternoon nanny so I can help DD and DS with homework, school run and activities.

NYCMUM12 · 05/03/2023 17:18

@Beginningless You’re not alone!! My heart saids yes, my head worries about the impact it will have in my current DC. I too really wanted a bigger family, it’s hard to let that dream go. Sometimes it’s nice knowing others feel the same.💐