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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Opinions please? Feel so fedup

22 replies

Lilmissmissy · 07/09/2022 21:53

Long story short!
Me & partner have a 9month old together. Our relationship is in a bad way.

We agreed at first i would stay home more with our child and i work a couple of days. I work for myself.

He has a very high pressured job.

I ended up going back to work at 3months pp, due to the fact i am self employed i was risking losing clients and thought the balance of being at home and working two days would be okay.

My partner does sweet f a around the house. Obvs due to cost of living i have been doing more days work. I am awake more hours then he is and the minute he walks through the door he moans on how exhausted he is.

I feel like i have a second child as he leaves dirty clothes thrown on the floor. Shavings on the floor, just generally a messy sod.

Last night he waited till 9.45 to tell me he had no work shirts washed (i asked him sunday night if i needed to wash him any. He said no) so i stayed up till 11 till the washer had done his shirts.

I have asked him tonight to help me dry the pots as i have had a headache all day and would like an early night. It ended in an argument.

He stormed off because when he said he was tired and i replied, you know what so am i!
Apparently i am not supporting him. Apparently i get to do all the fun stuff too so it cant be that hard being at home. (I do work also)

Am i in the wrong? Should i just be doing everything? Or should i expect him to help out? I feel so down, i am trying so hard and he just doesnt pull his weight.

OP posts:

bloodywhitecat · 07/09/2022 21:58

Last night he waited till 9.45 to tell me he had no work shirts washed (i asked him sunday night if i needed to wash him any. He said no) so i stayed up till 11 till the washer had done his shirts.

Why is this your responsibility? Point him in the direction of the washing machine and wish him luck.

You are not being unreasonable in expecting a full grown adult to pull his weight around the house.

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 07/09/2022 21:59

He's definitely not pulling his weight as a partner and father and is adding to your stress in making more mess. He needs to grow up and step up.
Communicate what you need him to do in a voice that says you expect him to do ir.
💪🏼

pictish · 07/09/2022 22:01

Why did YOU stay up till 11? What’s stopping him from washing his shirts?
Genuine ask.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 07/09/2022 22:01

Stop being a martyr /doormat! He can wash his own stuff. Imo enjoy having so much time with your dc. Honestly it goes too fast. Ask him what sort of relationship he sees himself having with his dc in the future. He needs to put the effort in now for the big return - ie a great relationship with dc...

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/09/2022 22:03

LTB. Seriously. He’s lazy, gross, entitled and thinks he’s too good to clean up after himself never mind pitching in with maintaining your lives and home. He’s a pig. He thinks you’re lesser than he is and deserve no more than being his skivvy.

MomwasCasual · 07/09/2022 22:04

You missed out the bit of the story that explains how he lost his arms and legs.

Unless he does have full use of his arms and legs, in which case come the fuck on.

Original poster

Lilmissmissy · 07/09/2022 22:06

I stayed up because he would have probably left it wet through in the washer. when i read all this back i realise how bad it actually sounds. I never wind down. Ever. I have tried telling him so many times that the set up we have is unfair but he says i am not supporting him.

OP posts:

Joshanddonna · 07/09/2022 22:06

Why on earth did you do his shirts?!

Gymnopedie · 07/09/2022 22:09

What was he like before DC came along? it's known that some men start on this sort of behaviour when children are added into the mix because they think they've got you trapped.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/09/2022 22:10

Nothing is going to change op, whilst you both think you're his slave; which him telling you he has no shirts, and you staying up to wash them indicates.

pictish · 07/09/2022 22:12

And if he left them wet in the washer…he’d have wet shirts.
Why are you taking it on?

SproutsAtChristmas · 07/09/2022 22:20

You are not his mum (and I hope he would treat her with more respect than this too!). Was he like this before the baby? He sounds awful and I wouldn't be able to tolerate it.

To give you perspective, in our house my DH works full time, comes home and plays with DCs, cooks dinner every evening, takes DCs to their hobbies, baths the DCs, puts one DC to bed while I sort the other, reads books to DCs in the bath/bed etc. Essentially, other than school drop off/pick ups (which I do) our childcare is split equally and so are the household chores.

It sounds like you are being used by a very lazy man!

5128gap · 07/09/2022 22:27

Unless you are frightened of him OP, which is a different scenario calling for different advice, then you need to toughen up and stand up to him. He has no shirts? Tell him he has to stay up to wash them as you're too tired. What's the worst that can happen? He'll call you unsupportive, you reply 'no I'm not' on repeat.
He's winning every argument because you're caving in because you don't want him to be upset with you. You need to get over that. Avoiding his displeasure shouldn't be more important than your sleep.

kittenkipping · 08/09/2022 15:37

And in what way is he supporting YOU? You both work, you're shouldering all wake ups and the majority of household chores to support his full time employment , what's he doing to support you? Or by his "not supporting him" does he mean that only you have a supportive role to play within this relationship and that role is to facilitate his life , to ease his burden , whilst you slowing crack under the pressure of everything? I'd be having serious words about the work life balance (or lack thereof) within your home as a family unit. He's a parent 24/7 too- he can't just work and that's that, no more for him to do! It's not fair, it's not sustainable and it's not supportive of family life!

Dixiechickonhols · 08/09/2022 16:11

If he lived alone he’d have to do his job plus household stuff. Why the heck did you wash his shirts? Surely when he said that you’d just ignore or say you had enough when I asked Sunday.
You are minding his child and working. It sounds like he expects you to do everything.
If you think it’s salvageable then get someone to mind baby and have a sensible discussion re division of labour and finances.
Is it worth you working full time and dividing chores 50/50.
CAB has decent guide re cohabitation and marriage - you need to think about things like pension, no widows benefit if you die unmarried etc.

Crinkle77 · 08/09/2022 23:00

I voted YABU simply for the fact that you washed his shirts for him.

Cw112 · 08/09/2022 23:10

It sounds like you both need to make space to sit down together and recognise that it's not currently working for you as it is at present. Ideally do it on a day where he's at home and neither of you are working, if you can get little one minded or at least down for a sleep even better so you have space to talk. I'd explain how it makes you feel and ask him to explain what his expectations of you are and what he feels he needs from you and then you explain what you need from him and your expectations of him. Maybe look at splitting responsibilities so he has certain tasks to do and you don't touch those. He has to be willing to pitch in and help you so you can have a break as well and you have to set your boundaries because the thing is he is capable, at the moment the present situation is just working in his favour so he doesn't have to follow through - he knows you will. In terms of his job being stressful, totally get that but it's his responsibility to manage that himself. Could be he comes home and you don't talk for the first hour and he goes up to the bedroom and decompresses but once that hour is up he's downstairs pitching in with little one and the housework and doing his share. Do you have any family nearby that could give you a hand with some of the chores/ babysitting to make life easier?

CakeMonster1 · 09/09/2022 11:52

Congratulations how a the owner of a man-child.

I suggest he either grows up and steps up and hells out or you part ways. He's taking the mick.

CakeMonster1 · 09/09/2022 11:55

Sorry that was meant to say you are now the owner of a man-child.

Sorry but he sounds a delightful catch (not).
Please don't let him walk all over you, clearly he has it quite cushy with a live in skivvy and it's so unfair on you it really is.

Caroffee · 09/09/2022 11:55

His shirts, his dirty clothes all over the floor, his shavings = not your responsibility. If he can't even look after himself, he is just adding to your workload. I can see this relationship ending.

Newusernameaug · 09/09/2022 11:57

Just stop - do not do another thing for him!!

OldEvilOwl · 09/09/2022 15:41

He could have just worn the same shirt again or sort it himself

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