To ask for help surviving the silent treatment…

[NewnameforWeds]

I am in the process of divorcing. My STBXH has been emotionally abusive and I am being supported by Women’s Aid.

For now, we are unfortunately still in the same house where STBXH acts as if I don’t exist. He has told me not to attempt to communicate with him in front of the DC and he ignores me if I try to communicate with him anyway (in front of the DC or not) so I have given up trying. He doesn’t even ever look at me.

Eldest DC6 has asked if I am sad daddy doesn’t talk to me. DC4 also asks me to ask Daddy things and I have to say I can’t now. She got upset about this yesterday when she wanted me to ask him to tell me about something she had done at nursery.

The divorce seems neverending. We have had to start court proceedings because he wouldn’t reply to letters or disclose his financial information, was unhappy with the mediator etc. so it is going to be a while until I have someone to live when I don’t feel awful all the time.

I can’t afford to move out and he hasn’t replied to any proposals about custody so I don’t think I could until that was sorted anyway.

Any advice? I don’t expect us to be friends or anything but the silent treatment makes me feel so bad and I really don’t want the DC thinking this is normal.

I know some people may say the silence is a good thing but it’s been months of it, every day in my home.

Any tips on how to cope?

That’s horrendously cruel of him to you and the DC.

Do you have any idea of timescale for the divorce? What’s the plan for where each of you will live?

oh OP that sounds so hard! Just keep your eyes on the prize and do what it takes to stay strong...

That sounds absolutely awful. I've been on the receiving end of emotional abuse and stonewalling too (albeit not to the extent you describe), and it's utterly hideous to live with. You have my sympathies.

Oh my goodness. This sounds extremely stressful for you and the kids. What an absolute bastard. Keep going, try to rise above it as much as possible. Keep showing your DCs love and kindness. And don't give up. He will be gone one day.

Ideally I’d like him to but me out so I can move somewhere nearby but without the memories of this house, but I’m open to staying if he wants to leave or to selling…Anything to get it done basically.

Oh OP!
Handhold for you...I get this, but only for a few days at a time. Even that is so hard (with a non divorcing/separating 'D'P).
All I can suggest is to busy yourself, with any jobs, or a book etc.
I do find that it (the unpleasantness of it) makes me unable to even concentrate on some things so yes that doesn't necessarily work..

Thank you.

The stonewalling/silent treatment isn’t new and is one of the reasons we are divorcing. It went on for 3 weeks before I finally filed the papers as I couldn’t take it anymore.

I didn’t realise that it was just the start…

I hope it gets better for you.

Thank you.

Aside from how he’s treating me, he’s being extra nice to the DC (was never that interested before), so I just don’t know what they are making of it really.

Obviously I’m glad he is otherwise nice to the DC, but I think being singled out for this treatment has made me feel even worse.

Thank you OP, and feel free to (please:)) message me if you need a handhold / chat.
I think that you are so strong being able to bear with it for so long...I always end up crying and begging after a few days.

Do you work? Being outside the house I find is best, but I can understand how that's hard with DC's.

I do work part time - sometimes in the office which is great and sometime I have to WFH because of school run. He WFH most days so I tend to go to a cafe/the library if I don’t have zoom meetings just to get out. That helps a bit but I’m just desperate for a home I can live in properly.

What a nightmare, OP. And he obviously doesn’t give a damn about what he’s doing to your children psychologically. At least you’re not in danger of weakening in your resolve to divorce him. And any future problems may seem trivial in comparison.

I hope you and DC are safely away from this vile man soon.

If you're not around the DC can you have earphones on constantly? you could turn them on / off (in terms of playing music etc) as needed with DC around.

Can WA support at all with ideas on accommodation, benefits etc?
This is terrible for you and DCs

I’m writing everything down, but so far the advice I’ve got is that it’s not bad enough to get a court order to get him out, or to leave with the dc, so i’ve just got to wait it out.

I really appreciate all your replies. I honestly thought I was going mad finding it so hard and everyone would just say I was lucky he was ignoring me. I feel a bit stronger with your support. Thank you.

I would seriously consider looking at taking the DC and going into a refuge. He is putting your DC in the middle of the abuse towards you.

He isn't engaging with any of the divorce or separation process so this could go on for years.

Op feel for you. Not nice treatment my mother used to do the silent if she didnt get her own way. Its horrible. Hope u ok. Yes hopefully you be away from him soon

Might be worth talking to the safeguarding team at your kids’ school. What he’s doing to you is emotional abuse, and children witnessing abuse (they don’t have to be the target of abuse themselves) is classed as child abuse for safeguarding purposes. Think he would grow up a bit if social services spoke to him?

I’m so sorry you’re having to live with this. What a gobshite of a man.

I think I would start replying to myself in a stupid voice pretending to be him.

"Yes newname I am an arsehole" etc

Totally immature I know but I could not deal with that kind of behaviour.

Thank you.

I have considered this but I’m scared about going down that route because he has previously said I’m a bad mum, brought up my PND from years ago and that sort of thing (another of the reasons we are separating) so I think he would retaliate in that way. I know there would be nothing to his allegations but its still scary that I might be investigated and they might believe him.