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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have not wanted to watch these home videos / baby photos

17 replies

Pics119 · 07/09/2022 17:35

I suffered a pregnancy loss around 6 months ago. I'm still devastated and it wasn't the first either.

One thing I've struggled with is the fact my husband has older children (pre teens) and so I feel like we aren't always on the same page when it comes to the grief of it which is of course not his fault but I've found it hard.

Anyway, DSC are here tonight and have brought round some DVDs their mum has made of some home videos of them when they were little and baby photos and they want us to watch them.

I've told DH privately I don't want to and why but he thinks I should show an interest. I've made my excused that I'm not feeling great and am now upstairs whilst they are watching them.

Am I really being unreasonable not to want to sit through their baby photos?

OP posts:

Hymnulop · 07/09/2022 17:36

YANBU and he should understand. Good luck with further tries for your rainbow baby.

Original poster

Pics119 · 07/09/2022 17:40

I should add sorry that we do already have one child, but I'm desperate for another and I worry he's not really as bothered because he already has more than one hence why I struggle with it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pics119 · 07/09/2022 20:14

Thanks for the votes feel less guilty now

OP posts:

jugglerofballs · 07/09/2022 20:17

You have nothing to feel guilty about. We all deal with grief in different ways - if this triggers you, it triggers you. It’s completely understandable. I’m sorry for your loss and hope you find peace soon xxx

Chamomileteaplease · 07/09/2022 20:25

Double whammy ! The ex sending the kids over with the videos and photos six months after your loss and now your husband doesn't understand why you wouldn't want to watch them!!

Well I can certainly see why you wouldn't want to sit through that. I hope your dh comes round soon.

Countingdowntodecember · 07/09/2022 20:30

YANBU .

If your DH is worried about offending your strep children, all he needs to say is that you’re not feeling well so have gone for a lie down. You shouldn’t be pressured to sit through videos that will bring up painful memories and emotions, it’s not fair.

Original poster

Pics119 · 08/09/2022 08:47

Thanks appreciate it. DH still thinks I was being mean but feel better now.

OP posts:

Marvellousmadness · 08/09/2022 08:51

I get the pain
But these are photos of your dh's kids!
And you are not without a kid. You Have one. You should be thankful instead of resentful.

KangarooKenny · 08/09/2022 08:53

You aren’t being mean. You get to do whatever you want, he does not get to pressure or manipulate you.

nachoavocado · 08/09/2022 08:54

Seems a really weird thing for them to insist you watch. I can't imagine my DSC wanting me to watch them. Fine DH but I genuinely can't see them wanting me to watch them. Tbh I also think id be so bored watching it!

Anyway DH should have your back on this and say something like aw thanks for that I'll sit down and watch them later. Then when you're out he can watch them.

nachoavocado · 08/09/2022 08:55

Marvellousmadness · 08/09/2022 08:51

I get the pain
But these are photos of your dh's kids!
And you are not without a kid. You Have one. You should be thankful instead of resentful.

That is not at all helpful and is actually pretty hurtful to be telling someone dealing with this how they should be feeling.

Arenanewbie · 08/09/2022 09:51

You are not denying his children access to the house or anything like this. All he needed to do was to say that you’re not well and then cheerfully watch video and photos with them and your joint child. It’s not the end of the world for him at all if you’re not sitting next to him.
You suffered loss and he should respect your feelings. Fine if he’s not so sad but you are, he should show some understanding.

Sweetener12 · 08/09/2022 11:17

YANBU and your DH should've been more understanding. People may not enjoy watching someone's smartshow 3d slideshows with their vacation pics which is perfectly normal in itself and you had a more than valid reason to avoid the video. If something is triggering, it is triggering. Doesn't mean you don't love him or his children or neglect them in any way, it's about you, not about them or your relstionships!

Botharms · 08/09/2022 11:29

Countingdowntodecember · 07/09/2022 20:30

YANBU .

@Countingdowntodecember "strep children" - brilliant even if accidental.

and no YANBU.

10HailMarys · 08/09/2022 11:57

Marvellousmadness · 08/09/2022 08:51

I get the pain
But these are photos of your dh's kids!
And you are not without a kid. You Have one. You should be thankful instead of resentful.

What an awful thing to say.

The OP doesn't appear resentful to me at all. She's just struggling with her grief after her pregnancy losses. The fact that she has a child doesn't mean it's any less sad to lose another in pregnancy.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 08/09/2022 12:00

Marvellousmadness · 08/09/2022 08:51

I get the pain
But these are photos of your dh's kids!
And you are not without a kid. You Have one. You should be thankful instead of resentful.

So the OP isn't allowed to grieve for the baby she lost because she already has a child?

Do you really 'get the pain' because if you do then you'd be more understanding

IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 08/09/2022 12:03

Marvellousmadness · 08/09/2022 08:51

I get the pain
But these are photos of your dh's kids!
And you are not without a kid. You Have one. You should be thankful instead of resentful.

Fuck off with your thankful bullshit, Jesus Christ.

The OP is allowed to grieve for a loss regardless of how many other children she has, thankfulness and grief are allowed to coexist alongside each other

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