Younger Guy at Work

[Idealist3]

Hi!

I am posting this as hard to talk to my friends about! A new guy recently started working with me - I was initially training him in and we had to then work on a few projects together. I don’t want to say exactly but it it a very inspiring job working with people. He is twenty years younger than me and I am happily married mother but I find we have really clicked - not in a sexual way - but his spirit and my spirit are very similar! I would say we have the same values! He has a lovely energy about him and is a really good guy, emotionally mature for his age that has really impressed me as we work with some vulnerable people.

I think with Covid and this year perhaps - at times have been difficult - he has honestly been the highlight of my year. I think he is great and I found myself thinking about him over the summer. I had to text a few times and he replied immediately. On evening- which I kind of regret - I sent him a friendly text at 11pm as a check in - there was some work related back and forths and he replied in a chirpy way but warm and also immediately! Nothing flirty just a lovely text.
We are back to work now and I noticed he blushed when met me - and seems to remember little details about the things I told him. We have many of the same interests and I find at meetings he glances my way. I def feel there is a weird energy between us. When I say weird I mean tension?

I must say that I am happily married but in my fantasy world I imagine myself being younger and we would def have dated? I also am VERY clear that I am in a more senior role and he is in a younger position and it would be wrong. (I’m 45 - he is 26). I keep is professional and friendly.
I do think this is perhaps about my own ageing issues - I don’t know. I genuinely could be his mother! Age wise. But I can’t stop thinking about him. I’m not going to do anything about it - I wouldn’t risk my marriage or don’t think it would be in his plans either. I just want someone to explain what this is all about???

thanks!

#FrenchCinema

humans are attracted to other humans.
occasionally, chaos ensues

fin

I like this very much @SunscreenCentral 😁

😂

It’s a crush OP, but you are his manager so you need to get a grip on yourself, it’s not appropriate at all.

You might fancy him generally, but it’s also probably about youth. Youth is attractive anyway, but hanging around with someone a generation younger makes us feel younger. Brutally he’s 26 - you do not appear youthful to him, but he may make you feel youthful.

He may return your interest but the chances are it’s in your head.

Anyway cut it out now, before you get into trouble one way or the other or just embarrass yourself.

you should explore it if you get the chance. you will have fond memories to look back on if you have a short affair

@NovaDeltas

No they don’t.

Most young men don’t even notice older women sexually, and secondly, very few men would bother working on a woman they didn’t sincerely hope to fuck. Male sexuality is focused on the goal of sex.

Sometimes of course young men do fancy older women, and even end up having a sexual relationship with them.

WhIle OP is having an unrequited crush and behaving inappropriately, that’s no excuse for you to get off on being vicious to her and misogynistic in general.

🙄

Ouch. I guess poor OP is long gone.
I suppose it will have solved the problem though, @Idealist3 , every time you speak to him now, you'll be thinking of all the cutting remarks you've had to read. :-(

I’m interested in how you describe this man - he’s wonderful and lovely etc - and that you see him as similar to you in terms of values and spirit. You also mention that your husband does a very different job.

Have you made the mistake of thinking that you do x job and so are a good person? And that this also means your husband isn’t as good as you, because he’s not doing x job?

knock that shit off, stop asking about it on here, and get over you mid life crisis. Just because the menopause is coming doesn’t mean you get to get too friendly with someone. Cheating or not, you would get told to LtB if it was your husband doing this.

ridiculous

It's very common for middle aged people to be attracted to younger people and their uncynical, youthful energy.

Yup…then comes the affair and the script.

op would be flamed if they were male

It’s a crush. Probably mutual. Don’t act on it. He’ll one day respect you for that.

I was once in a similar position with an older male boss. The chemistry was insane and he could have taken advantage and made a move. He actually left his wife because of this (and likely other marriage issues, I was just the catalyst). I left that job eventually. We are still friends and although there is still chemistry there, it’s a purely platonic friendship that I like to keep at arms length. I totally respect him for not making a move when I was young, naive and stupid. Testament to his character and he’s finally found someone equally amazing at the grand old age of 70!

I think this is one of those situations where it’s crept up on you & thrown you a bit. We like to think we’re in charge of our emotional choices - like attraction etc & like to have faith in our beliefs that happiness with my husband, or being old enough to be his mother type thing - will ensure things run smoothly. Then this happens where you find yourself connecting with someone when according to all of the rules you shouldn’t be.

I think what you’re saying is you never thought you’d be in this position. You’re not looking for anything, believe in monogamy, fidelity etc.

Everyone here is going with the morals of the situation - which is fair enough because nobody wants to be cheated on & cheating is wrong & damaging. Which you yourself believe in (rationally).

But I think you’re just trying to process that it’s even happening to you at all. It kind of shows that we can all be vulnerable to “temptation” even if on paper temptation would not come in the form it has for you - ie a junior colleague you oversee!

I think from what you say you’re not the sort of person to even think you’d need to protect yourself from temptation per se, but are maybe realising it happens & is actually happening to you.

I suppose when men use this as an excuse - we feel like they’re not taking responsibility for the reality of the situation.
We say come on as if you didn’t realise you were getting closer to this person - it just crept up on you?

I think you have to step back & realise that feelings & attractiveness & connections don’t stop just because you’re in a committed relationship.

Maybe it’s a realisation that you will have to actively work on such feelings, recognise them & then choose not to indulge in them - as they could genuinely be a threat to your marriage.

If you thought your DH was “connecting” with a younger woman at work - you probably would be concerned & disappointed (& have no sympathy whatsoever!)

Maybe it’s a bit of a shock & wake up call to you about the realities & difficulties of relationships in general & that you’re no different to anyone else in that regard.

As a social worker you should know better.

A crush like this can wreck your relationship. You've already alerted your husband because of the text, you need to reign it in. You'll also destroy your credibility at work if you're not careful.

This is an excellent post.

Highly unlikely. Its only on these threads where young men are seen as gorgeous sex gods either laughing at repulsive older women or running like startled fawns from their predatory clutches.
Back in the real world the typical 26 year man does not enjoy so much female attention they'd assume one 11pm text from their boss meant she fancies them. It just doesn't hapoen to young men like it does to young women, its very very rare.
And if they did, many would think it was their birthday and Christmas at once, particularly if she was hot.
There is no pont seeing this in the same way as if the genders were reversed. Men and women have very different experiences and perceptions of the older opposite sex.

This is wonderful stuff. A little ‘frisson’ of excitement in an otherwise normal life I guess.

Look, marriage does not mean you become oblivious to other people you connect with. It just means that if you want to stay monogamous - which is a choice - you have to respect the boundaries you have created.

So enjoy your work relationship for what it can be - a good working relationship and a friendship, and let your rational mind say to your fantasies - ‘ah well, what could have been eh - but it can’t be’. And then concentrate on why you love your family etc.

Or don’t. Ask your husband if he’d be ok with you having a fling, become monogamish and go for it, because life is too short.

Just relax and enjoy life.

This is a kind post @SwanBuster and refreshingly unlike being verbally stoned to death for having impure thoughts about anyone other than your husband.

Sounds like Michael Douglas and Demi Moore in Disclosure (minus the age gap obviously!).

It’s not completely out of the ordinary, I am 45 and a 30 year old guy was pursuing me. I’m single but I gave it wide birth because of the age gap I know it’s a recipe for disaster.

it was flattering though and I did find him attractive too. Wouldn’t say I’m having a mid life crisis.

The fact that you gave it a wide berth shows that you aren’t having a midlife crisis. If you were then you would be like the op and would come on here basically trying to justify why it’s ok to flirt with someone at work. You did the right thing and didn’t indulge it, OP is going to end up doing the opposite