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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU? Me for throwing food out or him for insisting I don't

56 replies

Whatthe4 · 07/09/2022 17:30

As I went to take the kids dinner bits out of the freezer I realised they were defrosted, checked the plug and somebody had turned it off by mistake.

I've no idea how long it was switched off but it has to be more than 24 hours. The ice creams had melted, sausages defrosted as were the chicken dippers and OH's couple of boxes of fish. Fortunately we hadn't just done a big shop and only had a few bits in there as we're going on holiday.

I don't have time to cook and refreeze everything so after taking out the bits I am cooking today I put the remnants in the bin. A few sausages, a handful or so of chicken dippers left in the bottom of the bag, the melted ice cream, a couple of handfuls or two of soggy chips. Next to nothing in the grand scheme of things. I don't make a habit of throwing out food.

DP was irritated by this and is huffing and puffing about wasting it. I told him you can't refreeze meat without cooking it. He insists you can and that the freezer would have only been off for a few hours.

I pointed out that the freezer has a 24 hour back up and as the food was defrosted there's no way it has only been off for a few hours.

He doesnt like being told he has something wrong, ever. I caught him about to cook out of date smelly chicken before from the fridge.

He grumbles on about how he doesn't want me to throw his fish away. Thats fine. If he wants it he can risk it but I wasn't taking any chances with the kids sausages and chicken etc.

He's still in a bad mood and I think he's being ridiculous.

Who, if any of us, is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatthe4 · 07/09/2022 18:03

FIL is a professional chef. I told DP to give him a call and see what he says about defrosted food being re-frozen. You won't be surprised to hear that he doesn't want to call FIL... because he knows what he'd say.

OP posts:
Chasingsquirrels · 07/09/2022 18:15

The defrosted but still cold food I'd probably cook and use or refreeze - although I don't think I'd give it to a 10mo.

Anything I couldn't cook would have to be binned.
Although actually I'd refreeze bread, veg, fruit, non-meat pizzas as long as they were still cold.

Ilovelindor · 07/09/2022 18:18

Whatthe4 · 07/09/2022 17:41

I suspect his overly defensive response is because he remembered turning the socket off by mistake, I know for absolute certain that I didn't so that only leaves him and the (very little) kids.

I'm second guessing the food in the oven now..

I was going to say is he behaving like this because he was the one who turned it off!

Just chuck it all and get a big shop in. Tell him to get over himself.

Huckleberries73 · 07/09/2022 18:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

shivawn · 07/09/2022 18:25

I hate to be this person but a 10 month old really shouldn't be eating sausages regardless, they're so high in salt.

Tiredmum100 · 07/09/2022 18:31

I wouldn't eat any of it and throw it out. Your dh is being silly.

Original poster
Whatthe4 · 07/09/2022 18:32

The disagreement turned into a full blown argument with him shouting and storming out.

He didn't like the fact I pointed out that he was wrong about refreezing so he was instantly on the defensive, then he spent 10 minutes very clearly in a foul mood but denying it. This is a problem that comes up semi often. Him behaving in a way which clearly indicates he's in a bad mood and wants people to know about it, whilst denying there is anything wrong.

All of this over a few stupid sausages.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatthe4 · 07/09/2022 18:33

shivawn · 07/09/2022 18:25

I hate to be this person but a 10 month old really shouldn't be eating sausages regardless, they're so high in salt.

They were reduced salt ones but OK noted.

OP posts:
Bubblebubblebah · 07/09/2022 18:35

How do you even manage to accidentally turn freezer off?

Shoxfordian · 07/09/2022 18:41

I think you need to consider whether this is a good relationship to stay in given his reaction

Ryder68 · 07/09/2022 18:41

He's tantrumming now? And it happens fairly frequently? Not good, is it.

Original poster
Whatthe4 · 07/09/2022 18:46

Bubblebubblebah · 07/09/2022 18:35

How do you even manage to accidentally turn freezer off?

God only knows. He probably did it without thinking when he was doing the kitchen floor yesterday morning. The plug socket is in an awkward place so you have to move things to get to it, he probably did it absentmindedly in the process.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatthe4 · 07/09/2022 18:53

Ryder68 · 07/09/2022 18:41

He's tantrumming now? And it happens fairly frequently? Not good, is it.

He does the sulking/silent treatment every few months or so when we have a disagreement about something or hes in the wrong as he fant stand to be. The shouting and storming out isn't something he does. This today has been blown completely out of proportion and I'm just baffled.

OP posts:
Ryder68 · 07/09/2022 19:07

Sulking and the silent treatment every few months sounds exhausting for you. You have a REAL child to care for.

The silent treatment is a recognised form of abuse. Wonder how he'd feel having the label of abuser? You need to talk about this.

Original poster
Whatthe4 · 07/09/2022 19:27

Ryder68 · 07/09/2022 19:07

Sulking and the silent treatment every few months sounds exhausting for you. You have a REAL child to care for.

The silent treatment is a recognised form of abuse. Wonder how he'd feel having the label of abuser? You need to talk about this.

I said that to him a few times. He thinks I'm quick to label things as abusive because I've been in a (physically) abusive relationship in the past, which this is not, so therefore im projecting all of that onto him.

He gaslights like it's going out of fashion though and given the fact I've seen all of that before, when I notice him doing it I hold him to account and point out exactly what he's doing and he hates that.

He says thats me "nit picking" at every little thing he says.

OP posts:
Jules912 · 07/09/2022 19:39

Bubblebubblebah · 07/09/2022 18:35

How do you even manage to accidentally turn freezer off?

I did this once as the socket I use for the iron is next to the freezer one, and I somehow flicked both. Fortunately realised only a couple of hours later.

Shoxfordian · 07/09/2022 19:40

You’re in another abusive relationship, it’s emotional not physical but it’s still abusive

MrsMitford3 · 07/09/2022 19:41

I scrape mould off cheese and am happy to cheat on best before dates but all of that would have been in the bin.

Having had food poisoning before-it is not nice and not worth the risk...

Ryder68 · 07/09/2022 19:45

Shoxfordian · 07/09/2022 19:40

You’re in another abusive relationship, it’s emotional not physical but it’s still abusive

Yes sorry OP but this ^

He also knows you've been abused before, which makes it worse.

Original poster
Whatthe4 · 07/09/2022 20:02

If somebody is quite emotionally immature and not very socially aware do you think its possible for them to use gaslighting as a defence mechanism without the sinister intent or any real idea of what they're doing.. or do I sound ridiculously naive?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 07/09/2022 20:14

Yeah it’s possible but why would you want someone who isn’t emotionally intelligent or socially aware? It sounds like he knows what he’s doing though, he says it’s not abusive because he doesn’t hit you as though you should be grateful for it

MistyGreenAndBlue · 07/09/2022 20:19

Whatthe4 · 07/09/2022 20:02

If somebody is quite emotionally immature and not very socially aware do you think its possible for them to use gaslighting as a defence mechanism without the sinister intent or any real idea of what they're doing.. or do I sound ridiculously naive?

I don't know and it doesn't matter anyway. The behaviour and the effect on you is the same.

billy1966 · 07/09/2022 20:22

Ryder68 · 07/09/2022 19:45

Yes sorry OP but this ^

He also knows you've been abused before, which makes it worse.

Show quote history

This.

He sounds awful.

OP, be very careful.

This is not a good man.

Sort your contraception out and keep your family and friends as close as possible to you.

You are going to need them.

I sincerely hope you are returning to work.

This is not someone to rely on financially.

I'm so sorry.

Jibbajabba1 · 07/09/2022 20:26

To me it sounds like he’s being defensive (because he knows it was him that unplugged it accidentally) and self righteous, prob due to male entitlement. Unfortunately thats quite common as it’s a cultural issue. Even happens frequently in professional settings such as work meetings - unfortunately. How can other posters know with absolute certainty that actually it’s intentional emotional abuse?

winniemum · 07/09/2022 20:31

You don’t need to bin food that’s defrosted from the freezer if it’s still as cold as it would have been in the fridge.
It’s quite ok to re freeze it. It was birds eye who initially put ‘do not refreeze’ on packets of peas a the reasoning is because it alters the texture of them if they’re refrozen!
You are not going to suddenly get food poisoning if the food is still cold.
I used to work in a frozen gateau factory and we would remove the cakes from the freezers numerous times to fill with cream, decorate at various stages and for packing.
The food from your freezer would have been absolutely fine unless it had all warmed up, which I doubt it had in 24 hours.
It was a waste to throw it away.