To not let 10yo dd go to the park without an adult?

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

The park is massive. Easily 50acres if not more. Sectioned up into fields, wooded areas, a stream, a lake, various play areas and bowling greens etc.

A couple of girls in her class have been allowed since Easter to come along straight from school and stay til 7pm. Dd has asked numerous times (to the point where the asking alone is driving me mad) to be allowed.

The park has various incidents happen over the last year (we live in an area which has some wealth but a lot of deprivation and, within this all, some real pockets of high asb, low level crime etc. The park has not escaped this, and teens gather to drink (and presumably drugs) after 7pm. We recently had a flasher, and the little park keeper office was vandalised over the summer.

It's actually a really lovely park to spend time in during the day, but is basically a local hang out and area where bad behaviour occurs.

Nevertheless, I am not ready to allow unrestricted time at the park for dd. Its too much of an unknown. I'm happy for her to walk to/from school, walk to the library, the pool, friends houses etc. The parameters are safe - simple routes, known location, known people etc. If she came to the park she could go anywhere in it - water, woods, fields etc.

We have a small very open playpark down the street with basketball hoops and swings etc which does not have the risks this one does, is very visible no hiding places. I'd have no issues her going there. Similarly her friends can come to ours.

Yet the niggle is there because the other girls mums and I are friendly, and they all allow their dc to do this. Not that they are 100% happy with it but seem to adopt a "well I've started allowing it now so I have to continue".

Aibu? I go along the park and just sit and read on a bench while she plays (in sight) but I can't always do this as I have to work.

I’d be a no. A number of my 10yo DDs friends go to a local park after school to hang out, but I won’t be letting my DD go. Her friends live in houses backing onto the park so they go home first and get all dressed up to hang out. I don’t particularly like these friends, there have been issues with bullying from them, not my DD but others in her class, plus they just want to dress up and talk to boys where my DD just wants to practice stunts on her scooter or skateboard. There are also a number of local feral kids that also hang out here that have been causing issues. I’m happy to let her hang out with the kids at the park most days but only because I’m around with my younger DCs or exercising the dog. I leave her to it but I’m around so are other parents I know. I know I need to give her more freedom but it will only be with things I’m comfortable with.

This. I'm pretty relaxed and try to let my kids be independent but straight from school until 7pm is neglect IMO. Based on this alone, I wouldn't alone my dc to join her friends.

Yanbu. My DS is similar age and most of his friends arent even allowed to walk home from school. I don't think it's a great idea to encourage hanging out at the park for hours either, as inevitably that will lead to smoking/drinking/drugs etc.

I don't even let my 13 year old DD go to the park unsupervised, too many unknowns for my comfort. She asked once and I said No. However I let her walk to the local shops alone and will let her go shopping/ cinema with her friends while I do my own stuff in same shopping centre. Sleepovers are a no no. Someone I know was raped by friends dad at a sleepover.

I think the fact that you've said she can go to the local park but you've said no to the one with water is fair and a good compromise until you're happy for her to go to the park she choses, you haven't said she can't go anywhere.

If you're sitting at the duck pond reading and she's at the playpark then you are indeed helicopter parenting.

Let her go with her friends, never alone. Get her a phone to tell you where she is. She needs to be back before twilight, so in winter this will mean very little time at the park, and in summer she should be home by 6.30.

She needs practice being out and about with friends or she will be quite inexperienced by the time she starts to attract the attention of boys and will need to have some confidence about her.

It’s a no from me.

Going out by herself with a specific purpose or destination in mind (errands, the library, etc) is not the same thing at all as just hanging out.

Hanging out is important for her social and emotional development.

She will learn to identify and deal with peer pressure and to engage in the give and take thst goes on among girls her age. She will learn to relate in a less superficial way to her own peers than she has a chance to in a school setting.

It's important to start finding your own tribe in the tween years, puttting what you've learned of behaviour and expectations from your parents into action, and seeing how others approach life.

This is the age when you start to decide what you're comfortable with and how to stand up for your own preferences. It's an extremely important stage of development and it shouldn't be deferred because the consequences of lack of people skills will get more significant as she gets older.

No to that park, agreed. But find another, safer way to allow her to widen her boundaries a bit - drive her + friends to the local indoor shopping centre, for example, and let them enjoy being there. That way, she is clear that you are not stifling her independence, but genuinely have issues with the park.

I probably would have let her go from school until about half 5/6ish, particularly over the spring and summer when it would have been broad day light. Fairly minimal chance of anti social behaviour then and you've said yourself "it's a really lovely park to spend time in during the day." Plus presumably she will get hungry by that time anyway. Seems a bit unfair that she's the only one of her friends missing out, not on the odd occasion, but regularly - at that age it's a big deal, and it's not just the park itself, it'll be all the chatting about what happened last night at the park, who's going to the park today, etc etc going on at school to.

The "crime" and ASB (other than the flasher) seems very low level tbh - teens hanging around at a time she won't even be there, and a different area of the park being vandalised - how will any of that affect her?

It would be a no from me too. Too many variables.
Fwiw I was off doing my own thing at that age in quite a nice area but still came across heroin users, discarded needles, creepy men etc and didn't have a clue about anything

This. She is a 10yo child, no business in the park till 7pm.

I'm surprised at the responses on this thread. I wouldn't be keen on 10 year olds hanging out at the park you describe.

My 10 year old and her friends don't really go anywhere on their own yet - park, town, etc. Mine is just about to start walking to school herself (start of Y6). I'm worried now I've been sheltering her too much! Maybe it's one of those things that varies a lot by area with no right or wrong!

Big fat no from me.

2 days ago, while sheltering under a tree, in the park, waiting from the rain to stop, 30 feet from the main road, in the middle of the day, a car pulled up.
I could see it was white from the corner of my eye (I was reading Mums net on my phone)
I snuck a quick glance - a man was staring at me from the car - calmly I pretended to check my watch and set purposely towards the exit.
I was on the main road in a matter of moments, and I heard the car drive away - I did not look back.
I wasn't scared (been round the block too many times) but parks are notorious for attracting this type of weirdo.

No way! I definitely wouldn't think they are safe at 10.

It's definitely not the done thing here. Here parents get to know each other before sending kids to any random friends. Kids are also dropped and picked up by a parent. No roaming around like adults. A 10yo is far too young to be hanging around a park at night.

no sorry. I am with you OP. But i admit I am a helicopter parent!

I would compromise like you have, you present but away from cramping her style. I would rather kill my kids street cred than have them killed!

I have a ten year old. I would let him go with an earlier curfew and would spend some time plotting how long it took to get home from the furthest point. As it's getting darker earlier now, you have a perfect opportunity to say she can stay till 4pm or something as that's the time it starts to get dark.

BUT! Our local park is less than 5 minute walk away so maybe it feels safer.

Seems a bit unfair that she's the only one of her friends missing out

Three of them go to the park. She is friends with all the girls in her class (1 form intake) so of the 14 girls, 3 are permitted to go to the park alone.

One of the park girls mums won't let her dc walk home from school alone. Seems batshit to me.

Chatting with the park girls tonight, it appears that there is maybe a lack of active parenting in their houses. They came over to me and I said it was time to go home for dinner. I asked what they would be having for their dinner/do they reheat food if they don't get in til 7, and neither of them seemed to eat meals on getting in - one said her mum doesn't cook, the other said she gets chips on the way home.

Fine for random evenings but every time?

Not in a million years.

No good comes from hanging around in parks. I have no problem with DC walking to a specific activity but it has always been an unequivocal no to kicking around in a park. Luckily it's not something they've ever been keen on so it's never been much of a battle.

No way. I was attacked by other kids in the park when I was about 10/11. I think it’s too young to be left alone.

I wouldn't let a 10 year old have that much freedom. She sounds fairly sensible but there are too many potential hazards for my liking and I'm not sure how well a 10 year old would cope with some of the possible issues.