Staying after work for drinks

[Lauryn95]

I'm 26 with 2 children ,I moved away when I was 18 and never had any friends met my partner in the new town at work and we got pregnant early on he was well off enough to mean that I didn't have to work and he worked away 5 night a week which meant me being basically isolated other than chats at the nursery/ school runs with other mums,I ended up getting really depressed due to being stressed and on my own with 2 young kids most of the time ,literally no friends or family, especially with lockdown etc ,fast forward to now he changed his job so he's home all nights of the week and I got a job in a local pub 2 nights a week and one afternoon, I'm so much happier I've made friends I've got a job I really enjoy ,he has his hobbies which he does 4 times a week which is more nights than I work obviously but lately he's getting really moody with me because I spend soooo much time at the pub I work at, As sometimes ill cover a shift or after work I'll occasionally stay for a couple hours use my tips I've earned to have a couple drinks with some of the other girls who work in the pub ,I'll get home about 8 or 9 pm after I finish and this frustrates me because it's the first time in 5 years I've actually had friends, Though I get his argument, I've got kids to get home too and him to see and if I rushed back I'd be able to do bedtime etc but it's just so nice finally being able to sit with other women/mums and just enjoy myself over a couple glasses of wine he thinks I'm taking the mess and who would wanna stay where they work and when I tell him about the fact I was so lonely and now I'm not and thats why I do it as well as im just enjoying myself having a giggle with the lasses ,he says I'm just bringing up the past to get sympathy for staying out because "i know ive taken the mess" am I being unreasonable staying out after work or is he being unreasonable to suggest I'm doing anything wrong ,I feel like it's controlling but he says it's not controlling he just thinks family time is more important because we barely see eachother on week nights but at the same time won't drop any of his hobbies which happen the evenings I'm not working? Who's being unreasonable here

YANBU. Offer to compromise with him and if he drops 2 days of hobbies then you'll do the same with staying late/covering other shifts etc and then you're both prioritising family time equally.

I can summarise what you wrote as he gets 4 evenings to do his hobbies and you occasionally a couple of hours after work for a drink. How is it fair for you? I’m sure you can see this too.

So you leave him to look after your kids? Or are they with someone else?

Ah right I think they are his kids. Then no YANBU. You both get time off. He's a jerk.

As him to propose a fair solution.

He's a dick and controlling. He liked having you having no friends, it meant you didn't have any opportunity to cheat.

Do not lose this job or your new friends.

*Ask

He’s being a knobhead. Do you think he’s putting his family first off on his hobby four nights a week?
Stand your ground, it’s good to have a laugh with workmates and it’s nice you’ve found some you get along with.

Staying after work for a couple is the best bit of working in a pub!

its just a pity you havent got friends or made friends that you can meet while the kids in nursery/school. I think one night after work for drinks is grand but after that if its every evening or even more than one, then its a slippery road. I worked in a pub for years, , drank after work and now i recognize I'm an alcoholic. It was always just one or two drinks in the evening. BTW im not condoning your husband, I'm just saying be careful because i started that way. Sorry, i know thats not what you probably wanted to hear. Im happy you have friends but see if you can get them to go out during the day as well.

YANBU and he is absolutely is being controlling.

For a large chunk of your relationship you were on your own five nights a week because he worked away. You're now on your own four nights a week because he does his hobbies. He is absolutely not in any position to criticise you for having a drink and a chat with friends after work, especially if it's only until 8/9pm!

I've done a lot of pub work in the past and it can honestly be a lot of fun at times, especially in a local where there are regular customers. I'm quite shy generally and I found it a really good way to make friends when I moved to a new town. It's great that you are making a bit of money for yourself but it's also really nice that you're getting to have a chat and a glass of something with other people now and again.

Basically, he preferred it when you were stuck at home and your life revolved around him. Now you've got the chance to socialise for a couple of hours (and to make your own money) you're not trapped with him all the time. He resents your independence.

Also, if he is any kind of decent father he would enjoy having a bit of one-to-one time with his children now and again and the chance to put them to bed. A lot of dads I know who work full-time complain that they don't get to do that and are missing out on quality time with their kids!

I'm sorry, but the vast majority of people who go out in the evening and/or work in pubs do not in any way become alcoholics. Your experience is not typical by any means, and also, you do realise that the OP could just drink at home if she wanted to anyway?

I think the only problem here is that he doesn't want to look after his own kids whilst you work;he wants you back home to do bedtime so he doesn't have too;I bet you do all other childcare along with all the housework/laundry/cooking etc

So he works then stays out 4 evenings a week whilst You shoehorn in having a paying job around his hobbies which isn't fair as it should be the other way around;he doesn't complain about the extra money you're bringing in does he now?

He's a controlling bully who wants you isolated at home without friends.It's not unreasonable to spend a few hours once a week with friends.

I get the impression your partner is older than you.