In laws

[Jenkin2021]

I work with my MIL. My parents have my son 4 days a week. My MIL told us and all my colleagues, before my son was born that "on her days off, she will have him" which means that my parents would have him 1 day less. I leave the house 6:45am and get to work at 8:15 by the time I get to my mums and drop him off and come back down to work. They then come through rush hour traffic to drop him off.
Long story short, my in laws are useless and never have my son and she never tells me when her days off are!! Also she had a week off 2 weeks ago and didn't once ask to see my son and when my partner asked her what she got up to on her week off, she said "nothing much" and in general they can go weeks without seeing us, but in work she is grandmother of the year.
Anyway, it's their turn to have us for Christmas Dinner this year, but my argument is why should they have all the good times, and play happy families, meanwhile I'm struggling, working full times and leaving the house so early, and my parents are busting a gut on a daily basis. My partner thinks I'm being extremely unreasonable. Am i?

Christmas at home is best with a baby imo.
New job maybe for the new year?

but my argument is why should they have all the good times, and play happy families, meanwhile I'm struggling, working full times and leaving the house so early, and my parents are busting a gut on a daily basis

I just don’t see what this has to do with her. It sounds like you are blaming all of your struggles on MIL.
If your partner is right YABU.
Your mum is currently looking after your child, if you MIL did it one day a week it wouldn’t change your work schedule or how early you left the house. If your mum doesn’t want to do 4 days then you need to look into a nursery.
Your MIL works, it’s going to be difficult for her to provide regular childcare.

It would make a difference though, as she lives down the road and my mum lives 30 minutes away. I should've added that part

So you’re saying Christmas should be with your parents every year?

How you manage your childcare is not your in-laws problem, harsh, but true.
not seeing them at Xmas seems a little petty, but perhaps Xmas at home is the answer.

You can’t expect your MIL to do childcare.

Is this about Christmas or about her saying she’d do childcare and not? I get you think they’re connected but which bit bothers you most?

It’s amazing your mum helps you as much as she does. She’s able to and wants to, that’s a privilege. It’s no reflection on MIL who has to work while your mum doesn’t.

If you and DP are happy with a Christmas rota you could make it 3 yearly with being at home of the 3 and do it this year. Or just say you’re at home. He can’t make you go there.

YANBU because you could have made other arrangements if she hadn't said she'd have the child. Now, presumably, you'd have to start at the bottom of the waiting list for local nurseries etc to cover that time.

If you'd asked her to do childcare she'd be within her rights to say no, but it sounds like she insisted she'd do it, in fact, announced to the world that she was doing it, but actually isn't, which is a different situation. It would have been fair for her to be upfront. Do you think she'll make a big fuss about things if you get your baby into nursery to cover her days?

FWIW I have one of these and I don't depend on her at all after learning the hard way.

Every time she tries to pressure me to accept her terrible non-help I just stand firm and reiterate what I'm actually doing instead, and I tune out the gossip she spreads around the family about how I won't "let her help" and how I "shut her out" and "keep her away from her grandchild".

I'd say you need to put some distance between you and your MIL on a daily basis, you might not have such an axe to grind with her when you're not in her pocket.

Your childcare arrangements are not on her, fantastic that your parents are able to help you so much, as long as they're happy to, great.

Christmas plans aren't something to be used as a payback, decide what you want to do, and do it, for the right reasons. Not as a punishment.

Re: Christmas, it's really nice and cosy to have a family Christmas just with baby, our first Christmas together was 2019 and so stressful zipping up and down the motorway and across the Irish sea, 2020 we decided that we were doing family Christmas at home from now on because we should have just started how we meant to go on. How did you split Christmases before? We tried to alternate between families before Covid/babies.

I don’t think it’s the not helping it’s that mil offered pre baby, tell everyone how much she (not) doiyand gets the plaudits for being an involved grandparent… and it’s all lies. Op can’t moan to anyone because then she’s being a bitch about the wonderful mil who gives up her days off to help DIL.

plus a day off for her own parents would lift their load and op probably feels guilty.

id tell dh that your parents aren’t coping -they too thought the would have one day less, because you know that’s what was promised, so you need to book dc into childcare one day a week.

I get grandparents don’t have to help, and it’s a blessing when they do. My kids were in childcare but I got I occasional weekend help. But GP’s should be honest with what, if any, help they will give and not bloody lie to feel great in front of friends!

id tell dh I’m going to my family Christmas Day and see his family Boxing Day. Tell everyone that it’s so much easier at your parents as the house is set up for a baby as they have him all the time