To wish my brother could fend for himself a bit more?

[MrsBonnie]

My mum died last year in a tragic accident, leaving us kids without any parents. My brother was only 16 at the time - it's been the most horrendous experience. She did everything for him.

He has slipped through the net of CAMHS, doctors, school diagnoses over the years but most likely has ADHD / Autism / OCD / dyspraxia and more.

He continues to live at home with 20 year old sister, but I try to micro manage his life for him from afar. I have control of bank accounts, have permission for 3 way doctors calls etc. Believe me, it's all necessary and I still allow him to live as he wants to as far as possible.

He has no concept of money, and lives off of the pension left to him from Mum's job. In 8 weeks he has spent £600 on fast food because he can't / won't cook. No concept of the real world. Won't eat anything healthy.

I pay for a cleaner to go in weekly - he's stopped scraping his plate and leaves everything to her.

He has 21 email addresses (not exaggerating) because he forgets passwords and can't keep track of things. I have spent my evening applying for his 10th driving license card replacement.

I just want to scream. I love him but feel like I have never been allowed to just grieve my Mum because he takes up all of my emotion. I also have 2 young babies to take care of and sometimes I feel so overwhelmed. I would never show him this side of things because he tends to shut down the second I start to 'nag'... even when I'm really gentle and say things with love.

Feeling totally lost with what to do. How can you encourage organisation in someone who just can't do these things?

That sounds so very tough OP, I’m really sorry you lost your mum 💐

Does he have a social worker? Or are there any services via his educational setting he could access?

This is really tough. I would not have been capable of living independently at 17 and I hadn’t lost my mum. However I can understand how difficult you’re finding this.

Are there any other adults on the scene? Dad? Aunts/Uncles/Grandparents? Any mentoring/big brother type schemes? Any friends with nice families who might support him?

I'm so sorry you lost your mum.

He is only 16. There are posters on MN who don't allow their 16 year olds to be at home alone at that age. He's also grieving. I understand your frustration but I think your expectations are too high for what he can and can't do.

I take it that living with you is not an option? It seems to me he needs a responsible adult with him more of the time but I don't know how that happens? Have you spoken to social services?

He is unwilling to engage with any new adults, but social work is a route we are currently on. If we could have even one other adult that he trusts, that would be great.

@TestingTestingWonTooFree A few aunties / cousins who say they'll help then abandon ship after a few times. I get that they have their own lives to deal with but it's still rubbish to feel so alone.

My nephews were orphaned this year, the youngest was 17 at the time.

It's been bloody hard work. They just have no clue how to run their life, as expected because they havent had to.

Social services is a good start. Is he at school/college as pastoral support may be able to help as well.

After setting up my nephews lives, and telling them what was expected of them I had no choice but to step back. I have 3 kids myself, a full time job and just couldnt keep having the same conversations with them. That said, by the time I did this the youngest had just turned 18 so a bit different.

People who say about stepping up etc just dont understand the emotional impact that has.

That's tough really tough. He needs to be assessed and with medication for his adhd he might improve.

It will a GP referral now

He and his 20 year old sister (also your sister I'm assuming) are too young to be left to their own devices. It's not unusual for a 16 year old not to know how to budget, shop, meal plan and cook healthy meals, let alone grieving 16 year olds.

I can't think of a good website at the moment but learning about executive functioning and emotional regulation will help you to get a better understanding of the things he's finding difficult.

In terms of budgeting is there a way you can actually have more control and give him a weekly allowance.

I have to say I feel really sorry for the lad. He's only 17, no mum, and really needing some adult guidance to help him learn to become independent. Is he it at college?

@CountTessa I feel sorry for him too. I begged him to come and live with me (sister too) but they wanted to keep their little piece of normality I suppose. No college - nor is he able to work.

Thanks for your suggestions so far. It's a desperately sad situation I agree. I pray we can get some headway with the social work route.

@Nidan2Sandan So sorry for your loss. such a similar situation!

Just to mention if he has ADHD, it is not unusual for youngster to be less emotionally mature than their chronically age-sometimes up to 3 years younger.. Emotionally he could be operating at the level of a 13 yo boy. You and your sister may need to factor this into your expectations.
Very sorry about your mum. You are all far too young to lose her.

Sounds really tough for you all.
So glad to hear your persuing accessing services. Diagnosis can make a huge difference. I hope you get the support you need.
I found it helpful to learn about the different diagnosis, asd & adhd in our case.
Apologies if your already on this, I wasn't., but in case this is helpful:
I haven't used this service but am signed up for news. Its in Wales but I've had emails about free/very low cost call in where you can speak with specialists. Might be a helpful to pointing you in direction if resources.
connectionsinmind.com/what-is-executive-function/
Also could sign up to Additude on line. Its America, free to access online and I found helpful and informative post adhd diagnosis.