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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if this is just part of work?

16 replies

TinaTeaspoons · 06/09/2022 18:48

I'm starting to worry that I am just a weak person.
I'm working temporarily at a site and hating every minute of it. There is a new manager there who is incredibly demanding and intimidating. I misunderstood her today when she asked me to do something. It was setting up for a lunch and I didn't put out the correct drinks. She said 'seriously?' in a sarcastic way to me. Then she asked me to put something in a particular part of the room but I couldn't understand her (she has a very strong accent and is not clear with explanations). Eventually after some time, I finally understood but when I turned round, she was pulling exasperated faces behind my back. I went home at the end of the day and just broke down. Is this me being weak? I hear of bosses being like this to colleagues and they just get on with it so I just don't know anymore. All I do know is that my confidence and self esteem is at rock bottom even though I am more qualified and experienced than most of my colleagues.

OP posts:
WeightoftheWorld · 06/09/2022 18:49

Admittedly I'm quite young and have only worked in a few different jobs so far, but certainly haven't experienced anything like what you describe, thankfully.

XmasElf10 · 06/09/2022 18:50

That is absolutely NOT acceptable and borders on bullying. If any of my extended team reported such behaviour from their direct supervisor I’d be all over it like a rash.

Haus1234 · 06/09/2022 18:50

I have worked with bullies, but it’s not normal and acceptable in 99% of workplaces.

Original poster
TinaTeaspoons · 06/09/2022 21:52

I feel like it's my fault. Maybe there is something wrong with me and I'm as stupid as she makes me feel

OP posts:
AlizeeEasy · 06/09/2022 22:04

No one should ever make you feel stupid. Ever. If I am explaining something to someone and they don’t understand it, then it is my responsibility to change how I have explained it in order for them to understand. Some people seem to take great pride in being as obtuse and confusing as possible so they can then bask in their superiority at how much smarter they are. The reality is that if you can’t explain things properly then you are the stupid one, not the other person for not understanding.

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. There’s no good way to deal with a bully other than getting as far away from them as possible. Which is hard to do when they are your boss

FictionalCharacter · 06/09/2022 22:05

No it’s not normal and she’s a bully. If you don’t feel able to confront her, is there someone else you could talk to?

alwaysmovingforwards · 06/09/2022 22:12

TinaTeaspoons · 06/09/2022 21:52

I feel like it's my fault. Maybe there is something wrong with me and I'm as stupid as she makes me feel

Just ask for a chat.

You want to do a good job.
Boss wants you to do a good job.
But right now it seems not to not clicking.
How could we help each to work well together.

That sort of thing. You've nothing to lose.

Original poster
TinaTeaspoons · 06/09/2022 22:24

I don't feel able to speak to her about this and feel like my only option is to quit as this is seriously making me feel very down and ill. Weak as that may make me. At the moment I spend everyday sick with anxiety on the way into work and often in tears, only to spend the rest of the day feeling like that. It's emotionally draining.

OP posts:
whatwouldAnnaDelveydo · 06/09/2022 22:40

I've just had a similar problem a few weeks ago, felt like you and I'm questioning if I'm weak and will never be able to work for long (I'm over 40 but have been freelance for ages).

I've no answer. I know it's bullying, but I know it happens a lot. How do other people deal with that, without letting it affect them?

Sorry, my comment is not useful, but I understand you.

alwaysmovingforwards · 06/09/2022 22:45

TinaTeaspoons · 06/09/2022 22:24

I don't feel able to speak to her about this and feel like my only option is to quit as this is seriously making me feel very down and ill. Weak as that may make me. At the moment I spend everyday sick with anxiety on the way into work and often in tears, only to spend the rest of the day feeling like that. It's emotionally draining.

Well if you can't speak to her, I guess you'll need to quit and get another job.

Oinkypig · 06/09/2022 22:46

@AlizeeEasy I don’t agree that it’s always the person who is explaining somethings fault if the person can’t/doesn’t/won’t understand otherwise how could underperforming people have consequences? You could have people sitting for 40 years saying “yeah my manger just hasn’t explained it in a way I understand?”

For the op can you repeat back what you think you’ve been told to do? Not asking for clarification but just, so you’re asking me to do xyz… is that correct?

LMCOA · 06/09/2022 22:51

alwaysmovingforwards · 06/09/2022 22:45

Well if you can't speak to her, I guess you'll need to quit and get another job.

Show quote history

OP, please ignore this.

You can't talk to her because she is bullying you.

Please check out the procedures for reporting bullying.

LMCOA · 06/09/2022 22:52

Oinkypig · 06/09/2022 22:46

@AlizeeEasy I don’t agree that it’s always the person who is explaining somethings fault if the person can’t/doesn’t/won’t understand otherwise how could underperforming people have consequences? You could have people sitting for 40 years saying “yeah my manger just hasn’t explained it in a way I understand?”

For the op can you repeat back what you think you’ve been told to do? Not asking for clarification but just, so you’re asking me to do xyz… is that correct?

No but it's the way that they deal with it that is key here!

Oinkypig · 06/09/2022 23:10

@LMCOA yes totally agree and if the op doesn’t feel able at all to ask that’s different and needs escalated but it doesn’t quite sound like that. More they haven’t tried and anticipate a negative reaction? The options are really put up, speak up, speak up higher or leave.

Original poster
TinaTeaspoons · 07/09/2022 22:25

Went off sick today while I consider my options.
The main thing I have trouble with is understanding her accent as it is extremely strong.
Also, I don't know my way around entirely as am not there full time. One example was she asked me to put some paperwork 'near the folders.' I couldn't see where the folders were so she repeated it. I looked around and still couldn't find them until I eventually did at the end of the windowsill. This was when she turned round and rolled her eyes at me, pulling an exasperated face at another member of staff. She seems unable to accept that:

  1. Her accent is very strong and hard to understand for people who are not used to it.
  2. How rude it is to make sarcastic comments or pull faces/roll eyes etc. Or she does but knows she can get away with it. 😔
OP posts:
Oinkypig · 07/09/2022 22:49

Why not ask where the folders were she wanted you to put the paperwork near?

I think the accent is a bit of a non-starter you understood she was asking you to put paperwork near folders so how hard can she be to understand?

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