Need help with this one ladies...

[MrsUnicornCakes]

Been seeing someone since September last year. Initially we were seeing each other casually, though he wanted to be more serious. By December I would say we were in an exclusive dating relationship, this then becoming more serious since Feb. We're now very serious. I've met his son and I'm arranging for him to meet my daughter. We've talked about the future, what we both want, wanting to have marriage and more children.

Cut to today, I'm currently awaiting test results for suspected Genital Herpes. I've been extremely poorly and the doctor said it looks like an initial outbreak and that these typically occur 2-4 days after first exposure. This basically confirms, if it is herpes, that he has given it to me as it correlates exactly with when I last saw and slept with him. He also had a little pimple thing on his penis which I pointed out and he said he gets them sometimes...

So the doctor explained it doesn't mean infidelity as a huge amount of the population have it and it's either dormant, or so mild that people don't realize what it is.

We've been sleeping together for about a year now..I'm feeling insecure about if he knew he has it and didn't tell me and if he was sleeping with other people while we were in the casual stage.

When I told him I was going for a STI check and he just seemed worried about me and asked if I thought he should get one too. He said he hasn't had one in the last couple of years.

AIBU if I ask him the last time he slept with someone that wasn't me? My friend thinks I shouldn't ask as we agreed a casual relationship at the start, and it will really upset me because I'm feeling sensitive about this.

Ask. If you are together you need to know and be able to speak honestly. He's going to need to know about the herpes. It could all just be really unfortunate and he's not realised he contracted it before you two got together. I'm sorry you are going through this.

If you're that serious and meeting kids etc then you should be able to openly talk about it and ask these things. But the doc is right, these things can be dormant for years and then flare up in times of stress/rundown etc.

But He said he hasn't had [a STI check] in the last couple of years and was still having unprotected sex? Yeah that was irresponsible. And unreasonable.

@NancyVicious thank you for responding. He will definitely know the result whatever the outcome, and generally we are good at communicating. I'm just scared to ask him the last sexual contact he had with someone else. It's never bothered me before as I trust him and accept we went through a casual stage. But I think I'd now feel shit if he was seeing others when we were still casual.

@BatshitBanshee yes I've been thinking that. I got checked in December but they didn't test for herpes as there were no symptoms. I'm very sure it's a first outbreak. I've never felt like this, it's truely horrible.

I'm sorry you've been so unwell, I hope you're feeling better now.

Herpes can lie dormant in the body for years so it's possible he hasn't given it to you although it's not unreasonable to wonder if the 'pimple' was an outbreak and he's ignored the signs of previous outbreaks. You may never have another outbreak.

Herpes can be detected on a blood test but this is not routinely used for diagnosis so unless there are blisters to swab STI screening would not pick it up.

You could ask him when he last slept with someone apart from you but because it's herpes rather than something that doesn't lie dormant it wouldn't be particularly helpful in determining whether he's been unfaithful. You probably need to discuss using condoms until you know whether he has the virus too.

He's probably had it for ages and hasn't realised because he's never had severe enough symptoms. Otherwise you'd like to think he'd have a) let you know and b) recognised his outbreak. If he is a decent guy which you have no reason to believe he isn't.

Herpes would not be tested for in regular STI tests as it needs to swabs during an outbreak. Blood tests can pick it up but are unreliable and doesn't say where the herpes is, could be anywhere on the body.

By all means have the conversation. It's one you should be able to have anyway if you're as serious as you say.

Make sure you find out which type you have, 1 or 2. A very severe initial outbreak often indicates 1 which means it will be less of an issue for you in future, future outbreaks will be considerably less frequent with type 1.

He could have had this for many years without realising. As the doctor said, it can stay dormant for long periods and he hasn't had an STI check for a few years (I suspect it's more than a couple of years, given that we were in lockdown for most of 2020 and 2021). He said he 'sometimes gets' pimples so he may have been having very mild symptoms for ages, long before he met you. He could have had it since he was a teenager!

I think that, if you were in a 'casual' relationship at the start (and you do actually say it was him that wanted it to be more serious at the time, not you?) then you absolutely cannot retrospectively blame him for sleeping with other people at the time, if that is what's happened. But I strongly suspect that isn't what happened, to be honest. It's much more likely that he's had this for years.

I'm sorry you're feeling rotten, but:

1. You are in a serious relationship now, and you both have this condition, so you can manage this together. It would be a lot worse to find out when you were single and having to broach it every time you met someone new.
2. You may never have another outbreak again. And if you do, it's likely to be minor by comparison.

I think STIs always make us feel really sensitive and insecure, even when they're not related in any way to infidelity. It's totally understandable that you feel like this, but you are in a very serious relationship with someone and you've met each other's kids, so you are clearly committed to each other and have been for almost a year now.

Obviously you need to discuss this but from a medical point of view you don't need to worry. It very much sounds like your first exposure but many of us, the majority even, are positive and will occasionally shed virus. If you have decided not to use barrier contraception then there is a chance of passing it on. Your partner is very likely not to have known that he is positive. Clearly if he did know he should have been using condoms and that would show a betrayal.

Wow, thank you so much for your replies. You've all made me feel so much better after feeling so low. I really appreciate it!