How to move forward

[Trespatch]

DH and I have had a very tough year. Nearly split up but he begged me to stay so I did.

Yesterday was our wedding anniversary. I bought a card, wrote a lovely message, bought his favourite chocolates and planned a nice day. Nothing huge, just an easy relaxing day.

Last night it hit me that he'd done nothing. No card, no gift, no plans, just coasted along.

Part of our issues was him not making effort like this and he promised to try, as it means something to me, which he knows.

I said to him I was a bit hurt he'd not bothered even with a card, especially as things have been tough this year. He said he was really sorry and he doesn't know why he didn't.

Obviously it's not a big deal and I dropped it but his apology hasn't helped me feel less hurt.

How do I let this go? My hormones are a bit whacky at the moment so I fully appreciate I'm being unreasonable. Talk some sense into me!

You know now that he won't make the effort and you will. What is the next event? hopefully his birthday. Don't do anything. See how he likes it?
Your birthday? Give him some clear expectations of what you want. Depending on his reaction or what he does decide if it's worth having him in your life.

TBH? Sack him off

He does feel bad. He says he just doesn't think. Next is my birthday, his was in August and I bought some lovely gifts and made his favourite meal.

I do things to make him feel special, and I know he loves me but he just doesn't show it in the way I need - which has been discussed, but then it goes no where.

so you have to decide if you want this disappointment every year, and if you want to keep trying to show him how he wants to treat you by doing it for him every year.

Or can him and find someone who does do this?

He begged you to stay... well that didn't last long did it. He got you back in the house then took his foot off the gas.

It is a big thing if it's big for you! Just because he doesn't out any effort into these things doesn't mean it automatically gets put to the bottom of the pile

'Obviously, it's not a big deal'

It IS a big deal to you though - I don't think you are being unreasonable.

I was in a relationship like this and I ended up dreading my birthday because I knew it would be one big disappointment.

Looking back it was a symptom of him just not caring enough / being selfish. He couldn't be bothered to make an effort to make me happy, even on one day a year.

He would also feel bad, but not enough to change.

You have different love languages which is okay - but you need to learn to speak to others.

Part of being n a relationship is compromising, and okay he might not naturally want to make a fuss but he should realise it will make you happy and do everything he can to fulfill your needs.

He could be setting reminders on his phone in the lead up to the event to get you something for example.

As a side point - if he doesn't care about gifts and stuff make sure you're checking in with him with what his love language is. How does he prefer you to show love?

You must feel very hurt by his empty promises.

Honestly I think you made a mistake getting back together. He clearly isn't bothered enough to make even the tiniest gesture (buying a card and writing in it) towards preserving the relationship. You could think of this as his last chance now you've raised it and see what happens for your birthday but tbh I'd just cut your losses now and your birthday present to yourself can be leaving him!

People will come on and spectacularly miss the point and say "I don't care about presents" "birthdays aren't relevant to adults" but it doesn't matter - you've said that one of the major issues with your relationship is he didn't do x, he said he understood that, and as soon as youve agreed to try again he's stopped doing x. Couldn't even be bothered to do it once. Come on that says how much he actually cares about the relationship. X could be buying presents, stopping drinking, not shouting at you, whatever, it doesn't matter.