To ask for advice about my alcoholic father

[littlepiecesofnothing]

My dad is an alcoholic.

im 37 years old, an only child with a husband and two kids of my own. My parents are still alive and together (just!) after nearly 50 years of marriage. My dad has become an alcoholic over the past 18 months. He’s always liked a drink but was confined to a weekend evening.

now hes drinking every single day from around midday until he staggers to bed. My mum phoned my last night to come round as he’d fallen on the stairs, hit his head and cut his leg and was bleeding all over the carpet and floor.

this isn’t uncommon for her. He’s broken lots around the house when he’s been drunk and fallen into things. He cut himself several nights ago and bled all over the living room before trailing it upstairs and my mum is left to clean it all up.

he’s sometimes apologetic but will not stop drinking. My mum and I regularly go through his coat pockets and find half bottles of whisky that he drinks on the sly and we empty them down the sink. He’s at the pub at midday and there’s no breaking his routine.

i have a full time job in a company in a senior position and it’s full on and stressful. I have young kids and a husband who also works full time and often travels with work.

Im at my wit’s end but it’s no way close to what my poor mother is feeling.

they’re well off as well (and are independently wealthy) so he has a constant supply of money which means he can do what he likes as money is no object and drink is all he spends it on.

im not even sure what my point of this thread is other than to vent and highlight the toll alcoholism has on those around the alcoholic

You can’t help him but you can support your mum. Does she want to leave? He hasn’t been like this for very long, it may trigger him into seeking help.

@MatildaTheCat that’s a good question. I don’t want her to leave the house because I don’t see why she should have to (she’s in agreement with this). She has asked him to move in with his brother (my uncle) for a few days but tbh I think he’s a drinker as well and I’m not sure how good an idea this is. He said he didn’t want to go and would curb the drinking but that was before the last few incidences where he’s hurt himself.

i genuinely never thought I’d have an alcoholic father and it’s such a fucking selfish way to behave

It's unfortunate though there is nothing you can do to stop him other than have a firm conversation about the consequences of his drinking.

If he is not willing to stop he'll need to make safer choices, sleeping downstairs, eating a decent meal beforehand and some small during.

I am not trying to be ageist but drinking is very common in people when well retired and not as busy socially.

My friend is an a&e receptionist she said it is not unusual for elderly people to suffer injuries through alcohol.

Could they hire a night carer?

@EmeraldShamrock1 the firm conversations are falling on deaf ears. I think the night carer - even the discussion of one - might put a rocket up him and make him think. It is a good idea.

Get to Al-Anon with your mum. There's nothing you can do for your dad until/unless he decides to sort himself out. The question for your mum is - does she want to live the rest of her life like this? Her retirement has been turned upside down, and she will need the most support deciding where her boundaries are. And, as always, the mantra for both you and your mum is:

You didn't cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

You need to speak to Al anon
Until your dad or even if he decides to seek help there is nothing you can do

You need to look after yourself and your mum.
Good luck

Came on here to say you and your mum need to go to Al Anon. Please. Trust me on this. There is nothing you or your mother can do to stop your dads drinking. He has to make that choice and, unfortunately, that means he will have to make that choice of his own volition or hit rock bottom before doing so.

Al Anon is the answer for your and your mum. Look them up online and find your local meeting. It will change your mums life. It saved mine.

@SherbertLemons i will look it up.

it never even occurred to me to attend if I had an alcoholic relative. I will say to my mum that we should go.

It's a separate organisation to AA. It's for family and friends of alcoholics, and provides support for them.

Al Anon is great. Totally agree w a PP who said it will help you and your mum. I know it’s hard having an alcoholic parent- I’ve just had mine on the phone. But detaching w love is all you can do.

Have you ever let him get a fucking glimpse of the absolute shit he’s dragging everyone through.

why are you all so afraid to stop pretending. Every conversation must start with how utterly disgusting his behaviour is. Any more falls he can lie in the gutter.
He has it so bloody soft. Anyone out drinking at midday needs to come home to a licked door.

you need to toughen up.he is a disgrace

ive had a quick look and plenty of meetings - would need to be one further away from where we live. Again, the shame of alcoholism is real. I haven’t told a soul. My husband obviously knows when I need to leave the house at 10pm to go help get him off the floor and tend to his cuts but my mum and I don’t tell anyone

@FreudayNight i think that’s easier said than done and I’d have probably given that exact advice two years ago. Now I’m in the thick of it with my mum I know she won’t be able to do that in case something happens to him. The guilt would eat her up. I know what you’re saying though

I still feel like I’m in a parallel universe because I just did not see this coming.

LEAVE HIM ON THE FLOOR. DO NOT CLEAN UP AFTEE AN ALCOHOLIC.

He has had no consequences so far, and you are enabling him.

I too think your mum and you are enabling him. He has absolutely no consequences for his abhorrent behaviour. And your enabling is not only making your life a misery but may well mean he never gets the help he needs, because you two are covering everything up for him.

Ill be honest, my mum was an alcoholic, she would not get help and her behaviour over the last few years of her life was atrocious. She died at 60 and at that point 3 of her 4 children, including me, were non contact with her. Her death was not a shock, we could all see it coming but I never felt one ounce of guilt, she was an adult who turned down all offers of help. Unfortunately she then suffered the consequences.

It’s heartbreaking but you cannot live your life covering up and enabling your dad.

Agree with @FreudayNight do not keep cleaning up after his mess. He needs to hit rock bottom before he will seek help. As PP said; "detach with love".

Please don't me ashamed to go to a meeting near where you live. You will only find compassion at Al Anon. Everyone there will be there because they have a person in their lives who is an alcoholic. If you genuinely can't face a local group there are many and, to be honest you may want to try a few before you find the right fit for you. They will be your "home group" but you can always attend meetings at other groups too if you want.

The format of the meetings feels strange at first. There is a lot of (life changing once you know and understand it) lingo. But the most important thing is to "keep coming back"......you'll see what I mean. It really is the most amazing organisation.

I agree with the pp who have suggested Al-Anon. You will get help and support from people who have experienced exactly what you have.
‘Also, I agree with the pp who said it’s fine to go to your local meeting.

Al Anon was a godsend to me to see what enabling was. Please go with your Mum. My Dad was an alcoholic all my life and I never had any one to talk to until I found them in my 40s. I thought my Dad’s behaviour was my fault.
I hope you and your Mum find some peace.

The shame isn't yours, you know that? The secrecy around it is a strange power, but once you breach it then the relief is huge, like lancing a big boil. Perhaps start with his GP?

Agree with a PP that you and your mum could start by just letting your dad rest where he falls. If you feel nice you could throw a blanket over him. I get that its horrible for your mum if he's breaking things and bleeding over the carpet and essentially trashing her nice house. She's had 50 years of caring about this person and she won't be able to detach from that with a LOT of help. It may be really hard for her to accept that by "helping" him she's actually not helping at all in the long term, and I bet that she's just trying to get through each day and trying NOT to think about long term.