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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not reconnecting with toxic sick relative

18 replies

CakeMonster1 · 05/09/2022 16:50

Hi

Looking for advice/reassurance. My DH relatives have made my life hell since we got together. They didn't approve of him being with me, the adored his ex and remained close friends with her. After him splitting with her, 2 years later we met and have been together for 20 years. All these years my life's been made a nightmare until I just refused to let their toxic games destroy me anymore.

6 years ago I made the decision to not let them ruin me or two DS' lives. They also caused hell for them hearing in mind they are children.

Long story short, DH close relative has just been diagnosed with advanced cancer out of the blue. Now this same relative is the worst toxic of them all, told my children they were dead to her and called them every name under the sun (children were in primary school) it broke them and they received counselling after the toxicity involved.

Now here's the part where Im branded as the a hole. DH wants me to rekindle relationships with his family members, wants me to reach out to this unwell relative and put everything behind us and also for our sons to be part of his families lives. I've said no. I feel guilty, but the abuse we received all these years I'm sorry I can't allow sons to go through this again, it damaged my life and theirs so much. The last 6 years we've felt free as DH myself and boys moved to Scotland to get away from the drama after one of his relatives assaulted me and it should've been reported but to try keep peace I allowed myself to be violated to stop it escalating further....and although I've respected that DH has kept his relationships with his family (which has killed me at times), he respected that myself and kids wanted no part in it. Now he's trying to get me to brush it all under the carpet feels like guilt tripping me. I honestly feel like just leaving with the boys at this stage as can not go through this again.

Am I wrong for refusing to think we can all just get on when police and all kinds were involved?

OP posts:
10HailMarys · 05/09/2022 16:53

Your DH is absolutely mad to consider letting these people back into your lives. Don't put your kids through that.

Georgeskitchen · 05/09/2022 16:56

Yanbu. Being diagnosed with Terminal cancer doesn't automatically elevate an utter arsehole to sainthood. Stand by your principles and stay well away

Acheyknees · 05/09/2022 16:57

I suspect it would do more damage to the children. What good would come of it? It certainly doesn't benefit your children in anyway.

Hoppinggreen · 05/09/2022 16:58

Awful people with cancer are still awful people
It doesn’t erase the past or turn them into saints

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 05/09/2022 16:58

10HailMarys · 05/09/2022 16:53

Your DH is absolutely mad to consider letting these people back into your lives. Don't put your kids through that.

This. And you should firmly point out to your DH that it is unconscionable that he would try to emotionally blackmail you and the boys over this. It may be a shock but as a pp has said, it doesn't make them suddenly saints.

Plus karma's a bitch but maybe don't say that.

Loocheeyar · 05/09/2022 16:59

Jeez why do people put up with so much shite from so called families ? Forget it
No way just enjoy your life , none of that is your problem
your dh has No boundaries or standards and is a weak doormat

Onlyhuman123 · 05/09/2022 17:03

Have absolutely nothing to do with his family. And if he's pressurising you to see them, then that is bloody awful behaviour from him!! He thinks his [physically and mentally] abusive family members should be able to see you, after what they've done? Jog on mate! Keep saying no for your sake and that of your children. Show him this thread...he'll soon see he's out of order.

Winniewonka · 05/09/2022 17:13

I would only consider it if toxic person apologizes and asks forgiveness from your children. If the children want to see her and if they are old enough to make that decision then go ahead but it has to be on the children's terms.
For yourself, you do what you want to, it's your life.

Mindymomo · 05/09/2022 17:19

Does the person with cancer want to meet you. I certainly wouldn’t entertain it unless they do, you will be further in the wrong in the other relatives eyes, plus I don’t know what your DC would get out of it.

Redqueenheart · 05/09/2022 17:21

Stand your ground and don't reconnect.

They are still the sam toxic person, sick or not.

Also remember that you are not the one who caused the estrangement. It is their behaviour that drove you away. Actions have consequences.

SnoozyLucy7 · 05/09/2022 17:32

No! These people, and this person in particular, have been vile to you. The fact that they have a terminal illness should absolutely not force you into any kind reconciliation. They let you know, very early on, that they were a horrible person- they don’t deserve your forgiveness. And you are right to keep your children away from these horrible people.

Original poster
CakeMonster1 · 15/09/2022 13:00

Thank you all so much for your replies, it's been an emotional few days and I appreciate your kind words and feedback.

My DH has now decided he's going to drop everything to move into this toxic persons home to look after them and leave me and my DC's to just fend for ourselves.
Now he's willing to take a chunk out of our savings (includes money I put in) to tide him over whilst he's away,
Now I will be alone, worried what toxic sh*t is being stirred whilst he's with his family and left looking after our DCs for however long he's gone. He's not once discussed this, he's told me this is what he's doing.
Feel like telling him if he goes to not bother coming back.
We aren't in the best of health ourselves and now am stuck in the dilemma of having no help if he just swans off leaving me and sons here. I work so now would need to try wangle time off unpaid most likely hitting my pocket, or paying out for childcare around school hours etc. This really is unfair.

This should've been discussed between us, I wouldn't dream of making decisions that effects us all without consulting DH and he knows it. Feel like a doormat that's just had dirty shoes wiped in it. Really can't take much more now.

OP posts:
LuckyLil · 15/09/2022 13:18

Sadly it really does sound like he's made the decision you would have been forced to make. You said you felt like leaving anyway, he may have forced that now but at the same time I can see his dilemma. I honestly don't think the fact they have a terminal illness means you should get back in contact with them yourself but I can understand why he may feel obligated. It sounds like a question of do you wait til they've gone and see if your relationship can survive or do you end it now. He seems massively disloyal to you after what you've put up with for his messed up family, but the toxicity may be such that he feels trapped himself. Not sure though if while his family member who he's close enough to that he'll drop everything is the right time to give him an ultimatum because he may make then wrong choice.

Gymnopedie · 15/09/2022 13:46

OP the time to leave him would have been when he allowed that appalling behaviour to continue without standing up for you.

And if not then, then when you went NC but he continued the relationship with them.

But as you didn't, NOW is definitely the time to do it. He's shown that his toxic family matters more (much more) than you do. Withdraw whatever is left of the savings and use the time he's away to do a lot of planning. See a solicitor, use an online tool to find out if you would be eligible for any benefits after you've separated, and take copies of any documents that give proof of his earnings and assets.

I'd also (but maybe this is just me) write out as many of the insults and awful behaviour that you can remember. Do it on a computer and print two copies. keep one for yourself, to remind you why you're doing this. Give him the other to tell him why you're doing this.

Original poster
CakeMonster1 · 15/09/2022 14:15

Thank you both so much for your replies. İt pains me to realise how stupid I've been, I should have left years ago. Reading it again and reading all the replies, had I have read that about someone else I would have advised the same. I wish I had more balls about me, it's sunk in deeply now just how many years of my life I've wasted. Feeling drained.
An ultimatum is something I've never wanted to do, but this is about our boys and they've been destroyed by all this in the past. I've got to get out not for me but for them too, he clearly doesn't give a jot about us.

OP posts:
GreenManalishi · 15/09/2022 14:20

Feel like telling him if he goes to not bother coming back.

Do this, and don't let him take any more money. He is free to choose those people for himself. You on the other hand choose better for yourself and choose to protect your children, even if he can't. I'm sorry.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 15/09/2022 14:22

Lock the door behind him imo op.
Reassess what your future holds op.
It needn't be him.

Dragonsmother · 15/09/2022 15:21

Sorry you are going through this OP.
Protect yourself at all costs. Take the money out of your savings so he can’t touch it.

If this is what he needs to do then let him go and lock the door behind him.

I had toxic in-laws and since I shut them out have never looked back.

Conduct yourself with grace and don’t lower yourself to his standards. The children will be watching every move and he will have to explain all this to them.

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