This is extremely outing if anyone knows me, so I'm hoping if anyone does this won't be repeated.
It will also be a long read but I need some outsiders perspectives.
Last year, my husband left (childhood sweetheart). Are late 20s and early 30s.
I had lost a lot of a double figure amount of pregnancies, the people who raised me passed away suddenly young, and in general the 9 years since we've got married have been hard, sad and filled with grief.
I ended up in a deep depression (I have been taking antidepressants since I was a teenager due to a traumatic childhood before the angels who raised me turned my life around).
This depression was bad for a year, I managed to work but as soon as I got home I had a shower and went to bed. I didn't want to leave the house at weekends and I was extremely ill. He ran his own business, I was alone a lot of the time.
He left me and I ended up in a psychiatric hospital from October-December where he visited me 4 times and was saying we would see what we could do on the outside if I got better. His family made a point of cutting me off (they say this is due to loyalty to him) although I've never done anything bad to him, I was just extremely depressed and I understand this can have a profound effect on anyone living with or loving a person who has this/
Whilst gone, he gave up the lease on our rental property and when I was picked up and taken back to my fathers, my stuff was in boxes and dropped off along with my dog.
Over the past 8 months, the first 2-3 months I was on the wrong medication and I don't remember much about coming home and those first weeks. We have been trying to make a go of things including weekends away, a holiday abroad to our friends wedding, another friends wedding that was the other side of the country so another nice weekend.
All of these are ruined by sex. I've been finding intimacy difficult but it's not non existent, we are always affectionate but I don't have a high sex drive, probably a mix of my tablets, the trauma of the past year and at 13 stone I'm bigger than I've ever been.
I booked a night away, with a hot tub, for a special occasion. He wanted to make a weekend out of it so the first 2 nights we were in a different place, camping, cuddled up, happy, laughing, went to see the local town and had a lovely day etc then we went to the last place yesterday.
It started off lovely, we had a wood fire hot tub that we were getting hot ready to use, we were watching our favourite show on the iPad and laughing and sharing a bottle of wine over a takeaway.
Then we went into the hot tub, he immediately seemed withdrawn and sad. I asked what was wrong and he said it's because I'm not interested in being playful, intimate etc only when we are in bed sometimes.
I so wanted to sit in that hot tub with a glass of Prosecco and celebrate how far we've come. Talk, laugh and just spend time together in a place we wouldn't usually.
It was clear he wasn't happy, I got out the hot tub and he was raising his voice at me after a discussion about it, because he needs more.
He said I make him feel like a "pervert" for wanting to be intimate in hot tub etc. I didn't mean to make him feel like that but I did get annoyed and make a comment that I cannot get dressed, undressed, bend over in front of him etc without something sexual being said which gets a little tiring to me.
After he raised his voice I went to bed alone and he stayed up. We drove 3 hours back in silence today and he's dropped me off with my bags and told me he'll talk to me when I grow up.
I'm honestly so sad that a lovely weekend was spoilt by the final night and in the place that I booked for a special occasion. I cried last night, I've cried today.
The difference in our sex drives and what he expects/I expect are so different.
Any opinions? Any ways I can make this better or boost my drive to match his? I feel embarrassed and sad.