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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Son's "friends"

33 replies

claire9033 · 05/09/2022 13:02

My son (6) has a friend from his class who lives nearby and this friend knocks on our door at all hours to ask if son is coming out to play. My son is rarely home (often at his dad's, older sister's or at football practice). On the rare occasions he plays out with this boy, he comes home complaining the boy has been mean to him.
I saw this first hand over the weekend. The boy knocked on so I said he could play in our garden as my son was already out there playing football with another friend.
The boy from school is really lacking in manners, offered him a drink and a little snack and he just snatched them off me, no 'thank you' or 'yes please'. Nothing.
Then when my back was turned for a minute, he started pushing my son around and kicked him in stomach (totally out of the blue, no argument or anything had happened). My son hit back (he does karate and boxing) in self-defence and told the boy to think twice before trying to hurt him again.. The other boy seem taken aback and went into a huff. I told him my son was only defending himself and that that's how he's being brought up.
Later on they were playing inside the house, the boy tipped my son's toys all over the floor and refused when I politely asked him to help tidy them up before going home.
He then opened my pantry door and tried to push my son inside. Again my son stood up to him and didn't get pushed around.
It was such a stressful day with them.
I know this boy has been in quite a lot of trouble at school for bullying last year, and I've overheard his mum talking to another mum about an anger management course he's waiting to attend.
Whatever his issues are or whatever his homelife situation is, I just find him rude and don't really like my son playing with him.
Even when knocking on our front door, it's never just a normal knock, it's always body slams, kicking the door and shouting my son's name. Also shouts through letterbox.
My son has a love/hate relationship with him. Says the boy has a 'poorly mind' (so perhaps knows more than I do about the background). But I just prefer my son to be with nice polite, respectful friend. I try to keep him as busy as possible with all his activities and nice friends but it's hard.
Any other mums have situations like this?

OP posts:

Doingprettywellthanks · 05/09/2022 13:03

How many times has this happened?

LadyDanburysHat · 05/09/2022 13:06

Why on earth didn't you send him on his way after the garden incident? Don't allow him around again, and don't allow your son to go out with him.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 05/09/2022 13:06

This is the ideal chance for a bit of helicopter parenting ime!
Invite him for tea. Keep them in view. Call him out on any negative behaviour.. Ime they either start towing the line or give your ds a swerve in future. Then neither you /ds cam be seen to be against the friendship! Honestly works a treat.. Tried and tested over decades here!

KettrickenSmiled · 05/09/2022 13:06

Whatever his issues are or whatever his homelife situation is, I just find him rude and don't really like my son playing with him.

And yet you allow it to continue?
YOUR SON IS 6 YEARS OLD. He doesn't get to make that decision for himself around this boy.
It will keep happening, & sooner or later, the boy's mother is going to start blaming your son & you will be embroiled in an unpleasant tit for tat war with a neighbour that is likely to bleed over into school life & have you hauled in for a chat there too.

"Sorry little friend, DS isn't playing with you any more, it gets too rough so I'm not allowing it."

MatildaTheCat · 05/09/2022 13:07

I can’t believe you didn’t send him home after the kicking incident. You have to step in and be the adult here. Your DS is too young to deal with this. Just refuse to let them play together‘because someone always gets hurt’.

ChagSameachDoreen · 05/09/2022 13:08

Stand up for your son, FFS. Appalling parenting to just let it happen and not out a stop to it.

mamabear715 · 05/09/2022 13:09

Don't let the little git in! Ugh..

Ihatethenewlook · 05/09/2022 13:12

Why didn’t you throw him out after he kicked your son in the stomach? A little boy did the same to mine at the beginning of the summer and I literally frogmarched him back to his mother!

Onlyhuman123 · 05/09/2022 13:20

Nah, if the child knocks to play with DS you'll have to tell him he can't (make up whatever reason) and make sure your DS has nothing to do with him outside of school. If they go to the same school, notify the school of the behaviour when the children go back for the new term so the school are aware that your DS might be the child's next 'victim'. Your poor lad. Personally, I'd have booted the kid out at the first sign of abuse and raised it with his parent(s).

There was a post on here a few months back which started like this and the mum updated the post with the latest things going on every few days and it was absolutely awful.

StClare101 · 05/09/2022 13:20

What on earth? Next time he knocks tell him it’s a no now and no forever more.

LovelyDaaling · 05/09/2022 13:25

Are you afraid to assert yourself over a six year old? You have to stop being soft. Tell him 'no and don't knock again because you are not coming in'.

Namechange1345677 · 05/09/2022 13:27

Just say no. Close the door. End of.

maranella · 05/09/2022 13:30

I agree - FGS grow a spine OP and tell this nasty boy to go away. It's your home and your garden and your DS and you don't have to give him access to any of them. And if he asks why, tell him that boys who are needlessly violent and spiteful aren't welcome.

Notimeforaname · 05/09/2022 13:30

Just stop allowing him to play with your son.
Dont invite him in

Georgeskitchen · 05/09/2022 13:30

Why are you even allowing this brat in your house? Hes a 6 year old FFS!! Tell him never to knock on your door ever again.
Problem solved

LuaDipa · 05/09/2022 13:32

The boy sounds very troubled which is sad, but it’s not your son’s job to be his punching bag. Like pp’s I’m also wondering why you let him stay when he hurt your son twice (the manners I could excuse to some degree as some families don’t bother to teach these things which isn’t the child’s fault). If he knocks again tell him your son is busy.

Mumspair1 · 05/09/2022 13:38

My ds is 6yo and had a friend who wasn't as bad, but was rude and had ways that isn't what I like. After a playdate my ds was very upset and we discussed it and decided that my ds wasn't to play with him anymore. I could care less if the boys has issues, he has very bad behavior and manners and I wouldn't want my ds to be around that. Plenty of other nicer children around. You should have sent him straight home.

deveronvalley · 05/09/2022 13:52

We had a similar situation over the summer (kids a bit older) - my son made lots of allowances for the other boy and so did I really, he did have some nice qualities once you spent time with him. But the latest few incidents have been so out of line I've had to make excuses at the door and he's got bored and doesn't call round anymore. On the one hand I wanted to tear a strip off him, do some 'frogmarching home' etc but realistically he'd put a brick through my window, his mother would scream and swear at him, but nothing would change. At some point, enough's enough and sounds like you are there, OP!

MeridianB · 05/09/2022 13:55

Why wasn’t the boy shown the door after the kicking incident? Please don’t let him into your house again and keep your son away from him.

ItsJustLittleOlMe · 05/09/2022 14:09

I'd have dragged him by the collar out to the doorstep before loudly and firmly telling him not to speak to my son again before slamming the door on him after the assault on your son.

Tell him under no uncertain terms not to come back when he next knock your door.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/09/2022 14:14

I think you should have intervened a bit more. You seem to have let your son deal with it and not given the boy a warning.

Does your son want to play with him again? If so, then I'd tell your son what you're going to do and stick to it, and give him a secret signal or word to end the play date if it kicks off again. I'd give him one more chance but take the boy aside and say last time you know he hit your son, tried to push him in a room, and tipped out his toys. Tell him your house rules of no violence (including pushing or shoving or locking someone in), no swearing, no breaking or messing up (including tipping out) of anyones property and no snatching etc etc. Ask him if he understands that if you see any of this behaviour he will be asked to leave. And do so. Same with the door, if he shouts your sons name, he doesnt see him.

Imagine your son really hurt him in self defence and you had been there while it escalated and hadnt done anything

CrapBucket · 05/09/2022 14:20

My son has had a few friends like this over the years. He is very patient with anyone who has difficulties. But he also has great boundaries which is a good character combination.

Your son sounds similar. I wouldn't worry too much.

bloodyplanes · 05/09/2022 14:32

This reminds me of a " friend" of mines child. He was exactly the same, rude, aggressive, spoilt and entitled . However he had a mother that was verging on neglectful and who basically saw him as a way to extort money and attention from his df and she declined to do any real parenting. His df was a disney dad who just chucked money at him and didn't want to deal with the mothers tantrums so just basically threw money at her and didn't question her awful parenting. This child is now 12 and a highly unlikeable individual. He has moved school 3 times due to " friendship issues" and is avoided by other kids. I guess what im saying is that this child is probably the way he is because of parenting and if your child continues to be friends with him then maybe showing him a little bit of " good parenting" may change his attitude a little bit.

Sally872 · 05/09/2022 14:49

Poor manners are not an issue if otherwise a kind and fun friend.

He is violent and mean. I wouldn't ban your son from playing with him but i would encourage him to think if this is a good friend or someone he should not be playing with as often. Coaching him into making the decsion himself.

Brefugee · 05/09/2022 15:08

don't make up pretend reasons why he can't play with your son. Just say "no" and if you feel you want to add more say "it always ends badly" and tell him to go away.
If he persists, get his parents to come and take him, and keep him, away from your house.

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