Odd behaviour or is it me?

[Aussiegirl123456]

Over the past week or so, a male teacher at my children’s school has just begun acting strange towards me. Or maybe it’s me just over thinking things.
Last week, along a wide outside path where there was nobody else other than him and me walking in opposite directions. When we crossed paths, he bumped into me. The path is approximately 3m wide so there wasn’t any need for this to happen and he was watching me as we were walking, so it wasn’t accidental. I said ‘oopsie’ in a joking way as I tried to dodge him (as I was walking diagonally away from him he was walking towards me hence why I don’t believe it was an accidental bump), and he just looked at me before carrying on walking. Brushed it off as strange, and didn’t think anything else of it.

Since then, every time I look up while waiting for my children to come out of school, I see him just looking at me. If I smile he just has this deadpan expression.

Today I was speaking to another teacher (the head, we’re friends so was a brief chat), this teacher approached us and joined in the conversation in a friendly way. He kept touching my arm to tell me something while I was part way through speaking to the head teacher, so once I finished my sentence I turned to acknowledge him, smiled and said something, while I was actually mid sentence, he responded ‘oh right’ and turned away and walked off.

I remember too months ago now, I got a notification that he viewed my linked in profile. Irrelevant probably but?

I am very confused. Is this a power thing? Is he odd? Or am I just over thinking things and he’s actually being pretty normal?

He honestly looks like he wants to murder me!

One of my children's teachers who saw the box incident rolled her eyes when I told her what had happened after she asked, and did say he does similar things often because he has so much on his plate, that he likely forgot he was helping me once distracted by having a conversation with me.

See how women unconsciously conspire to excuse the inexcusable in men?
How we'd rather not see the red flags?
It's a form of (totally ineffective!) mental protection "oh that couldn't be Our Mr Smith's behaviour, he's SO NICE" - a feeling of false security.

It's the same mentality that prompts all the "oh he must fancy you!" bullshit.
So what if he fancies you? How does that provide him with carte blanche to behave like a creep? Must be because men "just can't help it" when they have sexual feelings, huh? Funny how women aren't offered the same get out of jail free card ...

Your friend the head needs to be taking you a lot more seriously rather than fobbing you off.
A parent at her school is being made to feel uncomfortable by the behaviour of a member of her staff and its her duty as his manager to address it.
Her opinion of him and any 'mitigating' reasons are not your problem and its unprofessional that shared them.
She needs to speak to him and let him know in no uncertain terms that he must engage with you in an appropriate professional way at all times. Which means no unsolicited unnecessary contact with you, no staring, no touching.
She doesn't even need to accuse him. She just needs to give him clear instructions about the expectations for his future interactions with you.
It's really not hard if she's a half way decent manager.

I know, like serious Ted Bundy vibes, right?

Thanks everyone. I’ve spoken to my friend (head) again and articulated it better this time how he’s been and how I feel. When I spoke to her before, I wasn’t clear how the situation was and I think she was thinking the conversation was on a friendship level, not professional. Plus in fairness it was a short and too concise conversation for me to elaborate too much. She is speaking with him about professional boundaries and was apologetic for not taking my initial conversation seriously. She truly is a good and long term friend. But I am annoyed at her however, as she stated that she had noticed “small things” about how he acted towards me and mentioned she has had to shut down “multiple conversations” where he’d brought me up as topic asking about my work, family life etc. Therefore she should have definitely taken my concerns seriously. Or even nipped this in the bud before it even became a thing. I know she’s busy but if it was another parent, I know it wouldn’t have got to that before she acted.

I just wanted to clarify too, that the walking into me incident was not a body slam, it was a gentle encounter. Ha he’s probably practicing his aim for future full on body slams.

I am not as naive as I have presented myself on this thread (really!). When he did touch my arm he did get the death stare of disgust from me. I naturally hate being touched so it just happened as a natural reflex. My friend said perhaps me giving him such a dirty look is why he said “oh right” and walked off. NOT my fault, don’t bloody touch me. It just all happened so quickly, but my friend (head) noticed that. When we spoke about that today she did say that while that particular behaviour was strange, it was just a ‘friendly’ gesture, like how he kept repeatedly saying my name (which I didn’t even notice).

I will be completely avoiding him from now though. No smiles and I’ll ignore any conversation.

Oh. He also looked at my husband’s LinkedIn too a couple of weeks ago, not just mine. I only found out today as DH hadn’t logged onto it for months.

Odd!

Good update OP & it's heartening to see your anger & fire coming to the fore. Keep using it!

Yeah, yer man's just a little oddball who's got slightly obsessed with you for whatever reason ... oddballs are everywhere, & the human response is to minimise it with "oh he's harmless" because admitting otherwise mean all the discomfort of being a grown up & fucking dealing with it.

Honestly, half of you here need to read Gavin de Becker. Its brilliant. Always, always trust your instinct and act on them, not on some social expectation to be polite. The OP's initial message screams to me and it gets worse with every subsequent message.
If he just fancied you OP, why wouldn't he just casually smile and make normal conversation? Instead, he has walked into you, has negged you, has stalked you and your husband! Your friend (his boss!) has needed to shut down various conversations about you where he's trying to dig for personal details. He's a fucking creep at best. I'm glad you're taking this seriously.

He’s more than odd, he’s deliberately unsettling you.
@KettrickenSmiled has it 100%..

Your friend and others are failing to understand what’s going on here. Interpreting this behaviour as “friendly” is extremely naive wishful thinking, but very common, and we see it on MN every day - “maybe he’s just being friendly”, “I’m sure he doesn’t mean it like that”, because to take this seriously is far more frightening and difficult to deal with.

Stay strong! No jokes and smiles (which are a positive signal to him), no eye contact if he’s being weird, and use strong body language. A sharp frown, a firm “no” if necessary, and if he tries to touch you put your hand up in front of your body - a strong but non-threatening nonverbal “no” signal.

If he decides for himself that you’re hostile, so what? He’ll have failed in his attempts to throw you off balance and will eventually give up. And who cares what one idiot thinks of you if all your other colleagues get along with you just fine.

Thank you @FictionalCharacter it's kind of you to say so.

A good few months of life-threatening stalking tends to hone the instincts, & I've done a LOT of homework on that, DA, coercive control, & rape culture.

to OP & all the PP who 'get' it - because we had the choice between paying attention or losing our lives.

He is creepy AF. Intuition exists for a reason. Don’t discount your reaction just because other people want to minimize his behaviour.

But see how women are conditioned to make excuses for men's behaviour. He was not being friendly. It is never friendly to persistently touch someone when they're in conversation with another person. It is demanding their attention. This is all boundary testing. It is completely inappropriate to be asking about your private life. He is not your friend and has no business learning about you.

Maybe one of these things in isolation might be excusable. It's all of them put together that amounts to a pattern of inappropriate and invasive behaviour.

Just imagine him behaving in these ways towards another man? Can you picture it? Walking into another man? Taking boxes off them? Delving into their private life? Touching their arm when they're in conversation with another person and then walking off when they reply? I certainly can't. My male friend when given these kind of scenarios says it wouldn't happen because the guy would risk being punched.

Update: he’s completely ignored me, so that’s perfect! He does stop close to wherever I stand when I collect my children to have conversations, but none with me, so I’m very happy.

However, I am wondering if anyone can give some insight into this. I logged onto my Facebook account today for the first time in about 8 months, and immediately his profile popped up on “people you may know”. We have zero friends in common. My profile is not connected to my phone number or my current email address. I’ve never in my life checked in anywhere. I only ever access the Facebook from a laptop, never phone. In fact, I never even carry my phone around with me so it’s not like our phones pinged in the same location or something like that.

Would that mean he’s tried looking at my Facebook too or is it just a really clever algorithm?

He's really really weird OP. I'd keep an eye on this behaviour, it's obsession bordering on the cusp of stalking behaviour.

I'm another waving 🚩🚩🚩galore. Especially given he's been asking the head personal questions about you.

Next time you pick up the DC: move away if he stands near you; turn away so you don't even face him. Record any imteraction he attempts with you - openly and loudly.

Facebook: go to your Privacy settings, and make sure all your posts etc are set to 'Friends Only', then also turn off the option to suggest new friends. Block him - you will need to go to the list of suggestions, click on the .... that appear and block him that way. If you use Messenger, make sure he hasn't sent a chat request that's hidden - click on your face at the top left and it will show message requests - if he has, block him there too (if he's sent a speculative chat he'll appear as a suggested friend in FB, blocking him in both should help)

LinkedIn: I'm pretty certain there's an option in there to hide your profile from certain people - in effect blocking them - as I know friends have used it in the past so that a current employer was unaware they were job hunting - you might need to contact them for help as I can't remember how to do it.

Other than that it really is awful that you are having to deal with this.

But from personal experience - if your instincts are telling you there is a problem, follow them; protect yourself and don't be afraid to tell him loudly and publicly to back away. You do not have to be 'polite' because everyone thinks he's so 'nice' and 'quirky' and 'forgetful' - you have the right to expect him to respect your boundaries, no ,atter what

But have some 🌹as I think you probably need them.

Meant to say, if he has sent a speculative chat in messenger screen shot it before you block him - you can do that without him knowing and then block him.

Thanks, I blocked his profile and mine is pretty empty so he wouldn’t have seen anything. I’ve not posted anything since 2009.

Honestly, at school he really isn’t bothering me now. Not in the slightest. Even for parents evening he blanked me and stayed away so that was good, I so I’m not concerned in the slightest in that respect, it was just him popping up on the friends suggestions on Facebook. Just startled as to how?! Facebook claims it is not from viewing profiles, but I can’t see any other way he’d be there considering we have no mutual mates, no other things in common. I just thought he’s either stalked my pretty empty profile or their algorithm is just something else!

There weren’t any message requests from him, but I didn’t think there would be.

Yes this

Facebook is a bit of a stalker in general. Things I talk about in conversations in person with people often come up as ads or recommendations in my FB feed. I'm pretty sure it's because WhatsApp/FB listens in.

I think his interest in you could well as you say be motivated by your association with the head teacher & influential others & as a result you represent both a threat & an opportunity to him professionally because of it. As a teacher (& Deputy Head) he would ordinarily occupy a professional position of authority but I think your friendship with the Head makes him uncomfortable & vulnerable in some way.

I think he’s looked you & your husband up to find out & test how important you really are & how much of a threat/asset you could be. His behaviour IMO definitely suggests major insecurity on his part.

I think he’s been trying to engineer a faux familiarity with you so as to neutralise your dominance or the uncertainty you pose (as your ability to be able to potentially influence is threatening to him).

Hence the kind of contact that is completely inappropriate, (the touching, constant attempts to talk etc) and that would only occur if you had built up years of mutual association, trust, confidence & friendship - where being tactile with each other was mutually practised. Which you haven’t.

His attempts are all over the place -IMO from hostile (suggesting the uncertainty you pose makes him need to put you into a position that he is comfortable with & can control) to overly familiar & friendly.

It must’ve been very puzzling to be on the receiving end of & it’s only natural that you would respond to it the way you did - politely but firmly.

I suspect because his efforts have failed - it’s only made him feel even more ineffectual & could explain the hostile gazing etc.

I don’t think he’s a threat to your safety - but most definitely been trying to assert dominance over you & playing out some pretty strange transference with you.

Glad your friend has taken it seriously though & can support you in how she manages him. And that it’s not too awkward going forward.

Is he socially awkward with others & could he be attempting to mask that? Is he socially uncomfortable &/or not as confident as he’d like to appear? Whatever it is it’s not your problem but very confusing to have been caught up in.

"But I am annoyed at her however, as she stated that she had noticed “small things” about how he acted towards me and mentioned she has had to shut down “multiple conversations” where he’d brought me up as topic asking about my work, family life etc."

It's none of his business! He sounds really creepy. FB might have suggested him from things like living in the same area. I had a former NDN suggested as a FB friend, we happened to attend the same university (totally different subjects and years apart).

I'd keep a written record of these strange encounters if they persist, in case you need to refer to them in the future (rather than a general feeling of unease). Personally, I would ask your friend casually where he came from (previous employment), I wonder what his background is. I'd avoid any conversations, end them with "not now", "can't stop" or something equally non-committal, and not smile at him at all.

That's reaaally fucking creepy and weird.
He's been stalking you, asking about you, giving you dirty looks and he bumped into you when you were on your own?
I would talk to your husband about this and get a ring doorbell.
Wouldn't be surprised if he secretly shows up at some point.
Is he your kids' teacher?

He's the deputy head @georgarina

@Mothership4two the deputy head teaches reception at my kids' school

The OP has called him the deputy head to differentiate him from being her children's teacher @georgarina. She also said He’s the deputy head so I don’t need to ever have anything to do with him

What you’ve said makes so much sense. I don’t fear for my safety as he seems like he’d usually be a pretty decent person. He’s very good at his job, he’s amazing with the students and his colleagues all comment on his great leadership. It is just…me! I’m not sure if I initially articulated very well how we were, because people assumed I was smiling because I am a submissive woman trying to keep the peace! I smile at pretty much everyone. And when I said “oopsie” when he bumped into me (not a body slam, was a light brush/bump), I certainly wasn’t apologetic or implying I was in the wrong. The oopsie definitely had sarcastic undertones and he would have understood what I implied. Just like if a young child runs into me, I say oopsie, for their behaviour, not my own.

I think you’re right too where you said he’s being overly familiar as though we’ve been associates for a long period of time. When he’s touched me it hasn’t been in a sexual or dominant way, it’s like how close friends would. And when he’s done this, it’s only been in front of my friend (the head teacher, his boss), perhaps trying to give the impression to her that him and I have a rapport or blossoming friendship to make him look better or something?

Not sure.

But anyway was only now wondering about the Facebook friend suggestion. We do not live in the same area so isn’t that, mine is still set up saying I live in London, I live miles away now. Never checked in and I don’t have any likes or groups I belong to. But husband said no because Facebook said no!