To do NCT with second (ish) baby?

[PlumPudd]

Bit of a complicated one. Partner and I already have one kid, which she gave birth to. I’m pregnant with our second, and wondering whether to do an NCT class or something similar.

Our first NCT group was lovely and I could see how valuable it was for partner to have other people to meet up with for walks, baby groups, text about little concerns, share Netflix recommendations etc.

Worried that without a similar group I’ll get a bit isolated and lonely during mat leave, especially as we’re moving to a newish area. Realistically I can try to chat to mums / dads at baby classes etc but it does seem to be much less common to then be friends with people you meet this way as opposed to in your NCT group where you’re all on a WhatsApp group and arranging meet ups etc.

However am a bit worried that if I join a new NCT they’ll find it weird and some won’t like having someone in the group who hasn’t given birth but does already have a young kid and doesn’t have the first time mum jitters. I know from speaking to other parents that some groups can end up being a bit school playgroundish and that parents that don’t quite fit in for very minor reasons can get gossiped about a lot and slightly excluded.

There are no NCT refresher groups in our area, and I won’t know anyone in the new area who is having a baby at a similar ish time.

So what do you think? Were there any second timers in your NCT? Did they get accepted? Would you be annoyed if a semi-second timer was in your group?

Second time mums, what did you do to make mum friends?

Wouldn't be annoyed at all, and it is your first baby that you will grow and give birth to. No need to worry at all I would think. Would be odd people to find it annoying

Go for it! Nothing to lose except of course the fee and some time for the classes, but if you haven't given birth before then you might find the classes useful anyway.
Some NCT groups get on well and some don't, and that can be for a variety of reasons. My NCT group has been lovely and very inclusive, even though some of us have different backgrounds etc.

I've also made a few friends on Peanut, and also by going to baby classes. I met up with some lovely ladies when we were both pregnant and now we're still friends. As with all these things, sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't.

I think in some ways moving to a new area when pregnant is an amazing opportunity to start a fresh with friendship networks. Good luck with it all!

I wouldn't do NCT again if you paid me (had an awful teacher the first time) but if you're doing it solely for the socialising then it might be worth it.

I dont think you're unreasonable and I doubt anyone would make you unwelcome, however it might not be quite so easy to relate to all the first time parents as you already have a toddler and it's quite a lot of money considering you'll be taking classes in things you already know!

Our nct group was nice but for some reason never hit it off so we meet sporadically but we are not that lovely close knit group that a lot of people seem to meet. I met my closest other mum friends at baby classes and through nursery. I found at classes a lot of mums were friendly and keen to chat, everyone is in the same boat and wants a baby buddy! I've also really enjoyed toddler groups as a less formal and cheaper alternative to booking a block of classes (pay £1 for a couple of hours playing in local church hall type thing). Again, loads of friendly faces there.

I think you'll be fine and most of the NCT stuff will be relevant as most of it is about childbirth rather than baby care which you are still a first timer for. Tbh the sessions are kinda irrelevant anyway as there's nothing I learned that you couldn't find online, but you're right NCT can be invaluable for making friends. I'd join and I don't think you'll be excluded just for being in a bit of a unique situation.

The other thing I'd recommend for making friends is the Peanut app- it's basically like a dating app for new mums in the area, and I've made 2-3 friends off the back of that.

It wouldn't have bothered me in the slightest but it's going to be very different second time round, and I'm not sure you'd get the same out of it.

There isn't the same time to watch Netflix, go on walks, meet up for coffee etc with your second. Depending on the age gap, you'll be needing to find playgroups for your other child that baby can tag along to, rather than the other way round, but they won't know yet.

But you can chat online, which might be useful at 3am, and there's no harm in doing it.

I'd try asking on a local mums group on FB personality, see if anyone else is in a similar position and wants to have catch ups. At least then both of your older children can run off steam together, which might give your 5 minutes to sit down with baby.

NCT was a huge waste of time for us, but the classes were virtual due to pandemic and although we all got plonked in a WhatsApp group, other than a cursory congrats message for each birth, it was absolutely dead. There just wasn’t any chance to make friends with the other people on the group as the classes were delivered like uni lectures and everyone just logged off at the end. I really had hoped to make some friends in similar situation from it, as I don’t have any friends with kids of similar ages.

Nonetheless I’d definitely advise you do join yours. I’m sure everyone’s circs will be different and hopefully you’ll hit it off with at least someone there! Most of the people in ours already had step-kids or half siblings. Not many first babies in the family but tended to be a first baby for that pair of parents iyswim.

Good luck.

I don't think it would be weird at all, it's the first time you've been pregnant and given birth and that makes up a significant part of the course. I can't imagine anyone thinking you were an imposter in these circumstances.

The friendship side is hit and miss though. I had a bit of an odd group that was small anyway, then one couple dropped out. The remainder of us got on okay, no bad feelings, but not well enough as a small group to stay in touch so we only had one or two meetups after the births, it just drifted. It's just a group of people who happen to be pregnant at the same time so you can get anything - lifelong friends if you're lucky, or nothing if you're not. FWIW I ended up making a couple of friends from group I attended with the baby.

So I would go along by all means but keep your expectations realistic, if you don't come out with friendships don't go thinking there is something wrong with you!

Our toddler is in nursery four days a week and we plan to keep it that way at least at first, so while I won’t have the same amount of free time that partner did, and definitely won’t be able to hand baby over to partner at the end of the day, as she could with me. I will still be looking after the new baby without a toddler tagging along during the week days

I did, as we'd moved to a new area. Everyone in my group was on their second child, and we are still great friends nearly 2 decades later. I am wondering now if it was specifically a group for second timers - not sure if that is something NCT still do.

I was the second timer in our NCT class. It didn't even occur to me that it was not the done thing. But I was purely in it for meeting people. I didn't love the course itself.

I made a fab group of friends who I met up with on plenty of occasions during mat leave, both to attend classes together and just for social catch ups. It made such a difference compared to my first mat leave which was much more lonely. We don't see each other now as most of us moved away but we still keep up with each other through Instagram, etc

There are 5 years between DD1 and DD2 and we moved to a new area when DD1 was nearly 4. I had a great experience with my NCT post-natal group in London but I hadn’t taken the classes because they were over-subscribed (which is by the local NCT put together some post-natal groups).

When I got pregnant for the second time in the new area, I was keen to take classes and they were happy to have me there as a second-time parent who had never taken classes before. I was careful not to pipe up too much with my opinions/experiences so I didn’t irritate the teacher or the other parents and it went fine. Afterwards, in the early parenting days, my new friends liked having one mum in the group who had been there before. I just had to remember never to offer any advice unless it was asked for - but that’s a good rule for parenting advice at every stage isn’t it? DD2 is 17 now and I still have 3 close friends from the group.

First-time mums do not enjoy hanging out with older toddlers in the early days though so it can be harder to meet-up if the older one is not at school/nursery. (And when DD1 got chickenpox I stayed away from everyone for weeks and weeks.). I think, if you’re alert to the ftm sensibilities, it’ll be fine and a great way to settle into your new home.

I know someone who did it again as a second timer as they had moved and didn't have any support network, and they were really good friends with their groups and still see them a few years on.

I went to a pregnancy exercise group with my second, and it was mainly first time mums, and I found it a little bit more difficult than others to make friends, but I was accepted fine (it was obvious that first time mums especially when due at similar times, bonded a bit more). However I wouldht think youd have the same issues given this is still the first time you've given birth so it's still a new experience for you.

With all nct classes they're very hit and miss, I find the classes either all get on really well and go to multiple things together, or they are like mine and meet up once every few weeks in the early stages and then disintegrate when everyone goes back to work (though the support in the early days was very useful, and I did keep in touch with one mum who is now a friend).

I've wondered about this too (not pregnant, but I've TTC since DP had DD). I seem to remember some areas run classes specifically aimed at including second-timers? My memory is it was aimed more as a social thing for people who'd moved and wanted a network of new mum friends, but it existed.

I'd be tempted to get in touch and ask the course leader.

Personally, I think I would find the actual pregnancy-and-childbirth bit of NCT excruciating to do again.

I joined an NCT group with my second havibg recently moved areas. Worked really well for me, it was a nice group and became close friends with a Canadian woman who had recently relocated to the UK and was having her third.

When I had my second child there was an NCT refresher class specifically for this purpose, for parents having second or subsequent children. Though I'm sure no one would be bothered if you joined the first time parents course.

I did a second NCT group with my second baby! We had moved area massively and my first was a planned c section due to being breach and huge so I felt like a refresher of what to expect would be good.... best decision ever and two of the couples on the course are now some of our closest friends 10 years later! Def do it! No one batted an eyelid at it being our second at all.

I did it-I have a 17 month gap between mine so I didn't really need to for knowledge purposes but wanted it for the friends. Actually it was a bit dull and I was still in touch with my NCT mates from
First baby so I dropped it off a bit-but mainly because I didn't click with anyone there as I had with the first group, not because of any weirdness about being a second timer

I didn't do NCT at first with DS2 (two and a half year gap) because all the lovely friends I had made through NCT with DS1 had another baby within six months of each other, all of them! so I had a ready made group with babies and toddlers.

However when I moved when DS2 was nine months I did rejoin NCT and it was the best way to meet parents in the new area, I am still friends with many of them and DS2 is now 12. I didn't do any courses but there were lots of coffee mornings, hosted by a different mum each week so you go to know lots of different people in their homes. I think it is fine to join with a second(ish) baby.

I don't know if they still do it as this was 9 years ago but I did NCT for my second baby and it was a course specifically designed for parents with at least one child already. It was wonderful as it meant when we met up we did something toddler friendly. Less about childbirth and breast feeding and more focussed on parenting two small people etc

@SarahAndQuack ahh good luck with TTC. It’s a bit of an unusual experience - first time being pregnant but not first time looking after a little baby, so an odd mix of the known and the unknown. Also you sort of know a lot about the reality of what is coming your way, having seen your partner give birth, recover, struggle with cracked nipples and all that stuff, but you don’t have that feeling of ‘oh well I handled it last time’ which (I imagine) some mums on their second time of giving birth must feel.

Join Peanut 👍

Sorry to resurrect an old thread but I wondered what you ended up doing? I'm in identical circumstances (I had to check the username thinking I'd somehow forgotten posting!) and can't decide what to do. Odd being half first-time and half not!