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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Spreading the news and setting boundaries

22 replies

Bethsfirst · 05/09/2022 01:59

Hey all, it’s 2am and I’m wide awake because since we found out that we’re expecting, 5 weeks ago, I have had the same worry eating me alive and I just really want to know if I’m being grumpy and unreasonable or if anyone else felt this way.

To preface; I come from a very large family that has never been very emotionally close, I was the eldest and was a parent to both my parents so I’ve never been able to share with them -even small things (we’re good I just don’t feel comfortable sharing my life with them generally, ya know?)
Husband’s family are very small but not very close either. They just have that entitlement of blood meaning something even if all you do is talk behind each other’s backs. We get on well, mostly with his mum and dad and sister, but don’t exactly share with them more than face value conversation.

So; I’ve been really anxious and stressed about sharing our baby news with anyone, but especially the family and some friends. Im quite private and i’m really struggling with the idea of having to do things so not to ruin everyone else’s experience (it’s both families first grandchild), but at the same time I’ve never felt more strongly than I do now about listening to my own wants and needs. I am so excited for our pregnancy journey and I feel so protective of that I'm dreading feeling pressured to share. Not in a bratty way, although I know it sounds it, but more in a way that I can’t cope with being messaged constantly or with people prying into my health at the best of times and I just know that once everyone knows i’m pregnant it’s going to feel like a sense of entitlement amongst everyone that they should know ‘a’ ‘b’ and ‘c’ about me and the baby even if I don’t want to share that information and then I will look like a selfish and unreasonable person on all sides!
I want everyone to have the experience they deserve because it is huge and exciting news but the dread I am filled with is making me sweat and I don’t want to feel this anxious throughout a time that i want to be special. I really don’t want to be always worrying about everyone else and catering to them at my own comfort expense. Because of that I’ve thought of a few basic boundaries that I’d like to mention once everyone has gotten over the news, so to speak, but husband is worried how they will be received and asked if maybe I could just ‘smile and wave’ and ignore the inevitable for the sake of a few months.
My boundaries are only that I would really appreciate not being messaged asking for updates or scan photos etc on a regular basis and that we will share them when we’re ready (probably only a week or so after depending on the news, but I’m not going to be sending 7 messages and keeping everyone informed umpteen times a week about when appts are etc)
I’ve always needed time to comprehend information and with all this being new I can’t handle the idea of passing on information I’m yet to take in and being faced with more questions! The other boundary is that I desperately don’t want to ruin anyones experience but the baby, Husband and I come first right now and so if we feel overwhelmed or need a little space we won’t hesitate to let you know and ask for what we need.

I feel as though it sounds so petty when I read it back but just for example: we eloped and I told MIL she would be the first to see the photos when they came in (even though we didn’t get them to share with others, hence us eloping, but I knew how important it was for her to see her son on his wedding day so I made a special point of talking to her and reassuring her she could have copies of whatever she liked). Instead of listening to me she text me every single week for 7 weeks until they came … every week?! After the first 3 times of saying “I will text you when they arrive you will be the first to know” I had to stop responding because it was driving me mad. What is it going to be like when they find out I’m expecting? I just dread telling anyone at this point and I resent that I can’t stop worrying about it. And now Husband has queried the boundaries I just want to know if you guys think I’m being super unreasonable or if it’s fairly normal and I’m not a monster for wanting to protect us and our bubble? My friend who knows about the baby (but hasn’t been pregnant or had children) comes from a totally different background to me and can’t understand what I’m worried about!

So so sorry for rambling and writing a ridiculous essay, but thank you so much if you’ve made it this far ❤️

OP posts:

lisavanderpumpscloset · 05/09/2022 02:18

I’ve never felt more strongly than I do now about listening to my own wants and needs

This right here is all you need to do.

You don't need to worry about anyone else's 'experience'. This is YOUR experience and no one else matters (except partner maybe).

But in pregnancy, YOU come first.

My gut would be to delay telling anyone at all until you're ready, at least that way you get to enjoy the first few months without this worry.

But don't make yourself ill over how people will react to your boundaries. In my experience, putting boundaries in sooner than later is better. Start as you mean to go on.

And congratulations on your pregnancy x

Aquamarine1029 · 05/09/2022 02:19

You are making up problems that don't even exist. Relax, take it day by day, and only share what you feel comfortable with.

Announcing your pregnancy and then laying down a litany of rules and regulations your friends and family must follow is really over the top.

Hercisback · 05/09/2022 02:19

I think you may be over thinking it.

Share what you are comfortable with and no more. If they message you, just ignore.

Original poster

Bethsfirst · 05/09/2022 02:25

A litany of rules and regulations is a little extreme no? Haha I only had two mild boundaries that would be verbalised in time.
I get ya though, I always am overthinking it, I just wanted to know if anyone else had felt similarly and how they might’ve handled it :)

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 05/09/2022 02:28

You handle this like anything else, on a case by case basis. If someone asks for information you don't want to share, you are under no obligation to satisfy their curiosity. You politely decline to answer.

Original poster

Bethsfirst · 05/09/2022 02:30

As dumb as it sounds I hadn’t even taken a breath deep enough to consider individual response, I think it’s the general overwhelm that makes it tricky to break it down sometimes - thank you :) x

OP posts:

timeforfunfunfun · 05/09/2022 02:43

Remember this:

your pregnancy is important to you but it isn’t the centre of everyone else’s universe.

i mean that kindly. I’ve got two kids and you’re massively overthinking and also overstating everyone’s interest in you.

Relocatiorelocation · 05/09/2022 05:55

Crikey you've really overthought this. No one cares about your pregnancy the way you're imagining, no one.
You're going to ruin it for yourself if you go in with this mindset. You're having a baby, a huge proportion of the population do. Your relativesay be a bit excited, but that shouldn't take away from your excitement.

Goldencup · 05/09/2022 06:00

The thing about pregnancy is you don't need to "announce" it. It becomes obvious. Most people do it around 12-14 weeks so you have loads of time. Telling people to early makes it a veeeeery long wait for them.

JulesCobb · 05/09/2022 06:03

You dont need to share the news for ages. I was 20 weeks pregnant before it was common knowledge, including moat family, with my first. Much later with second.

My boundaries are only that I would really appreciate not being messaged asking for updates or scan photos etc on a regular basis and that we will share them when we’re ready (probably only a week or so after depending on the news, but I’m not going to be sending 7 messages and keeping everyone informed umpteen times a week about when appts are etc)
you do nit need to tell anyone when your appointments are. Why would you? And you dont need to reply to every message you get.

Josette77 · 05/09/2022 06:10

No one will care about your pregnancy as much as you do. I think you are borrowing trouble.

Shoxfordian · 05/09/2022 06:13

Yeah you’re overthinking it
Tell people around the 12 weeks and then respond as much or as little to other requests as you want. Nobody needs to know when you’re going for a scan for example so there’s no need to share it. I think you’re overestimating how interested everyone is as well; it’s interesting and exciting for you but other people won’t care as much

locke360 · 05/09/2022 06:17

your pregnancy is important to you but it isn’t the centre of everyone else’s universe.

Just wanted to reiterate this. You are overthinking all of this.

You don't need to announce your rules, you just behave the way you want to behave. You don't have to explain or defend yourself.

If your MIL is too overbearing then you simply tell her, if and when that becomes an issue. Pre-empting it and laying down rules is over the top.

All the best for your pregnancy and congratulations :)

Goldfishmountainclimber · 05/09/2022 06:19

Don’t tell them too early. Maybe 16 weeks or so depending if you are showing and if you see them.

Don’t tell them when you are having appointments. Be in control of the situation. Only tell them what you want to tell them. Avoid social media.

Outwiththenorm · 05/09/2022 06:24

Why can’t your DH take responsibility for his side of the family? My DH shared scan dates, updates, photos with his side. I then got the occasional ‘how are you doing’ / ‘he looks like you in the latest scan’ type message from them. Also if they know the appointment dates (once you’re past 12 weeks) they can stop asking you about them constantly.

Iknowforsure1 · 05/09/2022 06:27

Wow… you’re just pregnant, like millions of others over the world. Relax, be happy, and remember that you can always mention or say no if you don’t like something. Also don’t most people care about themselves, not you. Don’t stress so much.

UnicornMumcraft · 05/09/2022 06:28

Setting your own rules/boundaries is fine. Announcing them alongside a pregnancy announcement seems ott. Hold your boundaries, and respond, or not, to people as you want to in the moment.

If you’ve got a load of people who will want to see a scan, and you want to send it, set up a WhatsApp group for them. Say you’ll put any updates on there if you want them then mute/only open when you want to.

MiddleParking · 05/09/2022 06:33

Traumatic as the experience of being on the receiving end of a weekly text asking to see pictures of the wedding her son didn’t invite her to must have been for you, I agree you’re being a bit over dramatic.

Nobetterthansheoughttobe · 05/09/2022 06:49

Firstly, Congratulations!
Now breath..
As others have said, you don't need to tell anyone until you are ready. By the sounds of things, ideally it ould be after you've had your little dot, but obviously that isn't possible. So, have a chat with you Dh; tell him that you can't put up with shite for the next 9 months, and work out a strategy that isn't just smiling and waving ( unless you are the Queen).
But try and get this nipped in the bud; it's your baby, your body and you need to own this!
You will probably find an inner 'don't f¥¥k with me' attitude over the next few weeks. Use it!

drpet49 · 05/09/2022 06:59

“You are making up problems that don't even exist.”

^This

RedHelenB · 05/09/2022 07:23

This is new, bring off when you're only 5 weeks pregnant. I wasn't close to my family but I told them things like I'd had a scan and all was well, that I'd had the baby I didn't do it a week after either
Honestly, the" pregnancy journey" is going to be very long and fraught with your approach. Yabvu and precious

NewIdeasToday · 05/09/2022 07:30

As others have said you’re overthinking this. Just relax, enjoy being pregnant and go with the flow.

From your mother in law’s perspective I can see why she kept asking for photos of the wedding. How can it take seven weeks to share some photos? Even if these were professional ones, surely you got a few photos on your phone as well?

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