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AIBU?

AIBU on holiday?

22 replies

Grumblestiltskin · 04/09/2022 22:35

This is a long post so apologies in advance.

I’ve been with my partner for four years and lived with him for two of those years. He is for the most part fantastic and I love him very much. But in the four years I’ve been with him, we’ve had more downs then ups. He’s previously been diagnosed with avoidant personality and is a gambler.

He gambled about £70,000 of a family inheritance. However, he’s never stolen anything or taken anything from me or anyone else for his addiction. I tried to get him help for it, and even at one point got him to go to gamblers anonymous although he quickly stopped going as there was too many people from his community that he knew. That was a couple of years back and to my knowledge he hasn’t gambled since. I’m mentioning this to show one of the aspects of his personality.


During our four years together, we dealt with one of his brothers being very ill and then passing away. Then there’s his gambling, a miscarriage, issues with my ex and children and problematic work issues on both our sides. I’d like to think we’ve supported each other but I feel my support never gets acknowledged or remembered. We’ve also split up several times which has ended with me begging for him back and chasing him.


I have two children who he seems to like but I wouldn’t say he loves or is overly affectionate with. There is lots of banter and a lot of encouragement from him but something is still lacking.


During most arguments he tells me that I’m not for him and he tells me that he’s leaving me. This means I can’t have a proper argument or discussion to sort things out and I’m always being threatened with abandonment. He knows as well that I’m currently in a situation where I am depending on him financially.

When he moved in, one of the first things he did was pay for a new boiler which set him back two and half grand. He’s bought us a new couch, freezer, and a ridiculously expensive coffee machine. He’s been extremely generous with meals and going out. Whereas I’ve made a home for him, cook and clean and generally take care of the day to day issues.


I’m currently on holiday with my partner and my youngest 14year old son. We’re staying in his brother’s apartment, who kindly gave it up for us including his car while we stay. Unfortunately the downsides are that the apartment has a cockroach problem and the pull out bed that my son is sleeping on is rock solid. It also means that we have had to spend every single day of the holiday with his family.
I didn’t mind, in fact it was lovely to have his nephew as company for my son each day. But we haven’t had a single complete evening out together. In fact he’s out again with his brother smoking a shisha right now as I write this, which seems to be a replacement addiction as it’s smoked most days. I’m stuck at home, not able to go out by myself or with my son, as I don’t drive.
The next four days will be spent side by side with his brother who is a huge bloke, imposing and has a mostly unfriendly, disapproving and judging demeanour. He also doesn’t speak unless spoken to and has nothing to offer conversation wise. My partner has paid for practically everything and I’ve only been allowed to pay for one boat ride for us and his family. However when I mention something that I feel is not right, I’m called ungrateful. I’ve never asked for any gifts or expensive items and I’d prefer to eat cheaply on holiday. Yet it’s been held against me when I’ve accepted these acts of generosity.


Today my 14 year old son had to hear from my darling partner that he was leaving us but now seems perplexed as to why my son is appearing to be unfriendly and disconnected.


Am I being unreasonable to expect to spend time with just my partner and son on holiday, even if it’s just for one evening out? Am I being unreasonable to think that my sons and I deserve better?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

42 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
31%
You are NOT being unreasonable
69%
Cigarettesaftersex1 · 04/09/2022 22:44

Why haven't you binned this man yet?

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Mamamia7962 · 04/09/2022 22:48

Honestly, this relationship is going nowhere. You deserve so much better than this.

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wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 04/09/2022 22:48

Walk away.

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dmask · 04/09/2022 22:49

I got to the bit when you said he gambled £70k. I didn’t read the rest, sorry. But personally , YABU if you are happy with that level of gambling and want to carry on. If you’re not happy, then leave.

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Kite22 · 04/09/2022 22:50

Like everyone else, I can't get past the part about you running after him when you've split up.

Why would you want to be with him ?

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abovedecknotbelow · 04/09/2022 22:51

Why on earth are you with him?

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GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/09/2022 22:53

Christ, why are you begging this horrible man to stay with you?

Where is your self respect?

You and your children deserve so much better.

Chuck him out tonight. Now.

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catmg · 04/09/2022 22:54

Agree with previous posters. Stop punishing yourself by thinking that this loser is what you deserve.

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Sswhinesthebest · 04/09/2022 23:01

Kite22 · 04/09/2022 22:50

Like everyone else, I can't get past the part about you running after him when you've split up.

Why would you want to be with him ?

Yup.

You do deserve better so show your ds that you demand it from relationships. Otherwise what message are you sending him?

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merryhouse · 04/09/2022 23:07

but....

WHYYYYYYYYYY

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MahMahMahMahCorona · 04/09/2022 23:09

He hasn't given up gambling. I speak from experience. They don't. They can't.

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GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/09/2022 23:21

Adding to the chorus of “why on Earth are you with him?”. Mind boggling.

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CJsGoldfish · 04/09/2022 23:30

How must you appear to your children. What message do you think you are sending? 😢

I'm not sure what you want from this thread. You seem to just want someone to say that yes, you deserve to be treated better. What are you going to do with that info? Leave him? Doesn't sound like it 🤷‍♀️

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DismantledKing · 04/09/2022 23:32

He is for the most part fantastic

he isn’t though. He’s shit.

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purpleboy · 04/09/2022 23:33

What is the point in this relationship?

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mamabear715 · 04/09/2022 23:37

Sorry, but I don't understand why you're with him, either. Go home, & then get him out. Look after your kids.

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Grumblestiltskin · 05/09/2022 08:10

Thank you for the messages. Hard to read but I would have said the same if someone else had written the op. I am disappointed in myself for allowing myself to be in this situation and am panicking about the effects this may have on my children, especially the youngest who has had a front seat to this all. I have allowed myself to love a very complex and difficult person (he also had adhd) and not get much in return. I’ve also allowed myself to be beholden to him financially and then that be used against me. I agree I shouldn’t be in this situation.

OP posts:
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Hoppinggreen · 05/09/2022 08:13

So what are you going to do about it?
Its your choice to put up with this shit but not your children’s

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ThinWomansBrain · 05/09/2022 08:17

the awkward 'holiday' sounds the least of your problems.

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thecapitalsunited · 05/09/2022 08:18

Your son is learning that this is how you treat women. I mean it must be because you not only put up with it but beg for more. He’s also learning how to treat his future children.

Bin this horrendous man and make a new life for yourself. One in which you and your children can be happy.

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KangarooKenny · 05/09/2022 08:19

You shouldn’t, and neither should your children. Get rid and stay rid.

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10HailMarys · 05/09/2022 09:55

He is for the most part fantastic

He's not, though, is he? He threw away 70 grand on gambling, he constantly threatens to leave you, you've split up multiple times (in only four years?!!), he only 'seems to like' your children, he can't be bothered to spend time with you on holiday and would rather sit outside smoking a shisha every night while you have to make awkward conversation with his family, he buys you expensive gifts but then also expects you to have your holiday in a cockroach-infested apartment with a relative you are apparently slightly scared of.

Buying a new boiler, couch and an expensive coffee machine wasn't generous; it was simply him buying things for a house he had just moved into to make it nicer for him. He was happy for you to live with a crappy boiler and an old couch when it was just you and your kids. He also uses it against you whenever you object to anything, which is just toxic and nasty. His 'generosity' isn't generosity, it's control.

So no, he is not 'for the most part fantastic'. He is for the most part an absolutely dreadful man who makes you deeply unhappy.

You have only been together four years and there's been this much drama? This is insane. You are absolutely mad to stay with this man and it's awful for your children. This sort of instability and conflict must be really, really hard on them. It's toxic for them, and for you.

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