'You're being irrational'

[antlery]

Had DC with an abusive guy a while ago. We split, he got more abusive, and ended up with a restraining order a few years ago.

Thankfully, nothing has happened in a couple of years. BUT - especially with the darker nights incoming - it doesn't stop me having this debilitating, heavy anxiety that he'll turn up and do harm to me and DC.

I've spoke about these intrusive fears with several people over the past few months, and all - including DM and my therapist - said that I was being irrational and to just stop talking about it.
But I KNOW that it sounds irrational. But that doesn't stop the fear.
(I really hoped therapy would help more but I felt absolutely shrugged off).

AIBU to let this get to me so much? Are they right?

And has anyone else been in the same boat/can relate/or can advise on how to dull this horrific anxiety?

Actually I was told it is quite common. They spend years cultivating the fear within you as a form of control. I did the women's aid recovery tool kit course and I think I really let go of the fear after that.

What sort of therapist do you have? I'm one - I'd never tell a patient they're irrational.

It's very normal following a traumatic or abusive relationship to have these sorts of thoughts and to generally feel unsafe. As PP said they spend years cultivating that fear in you and your brain doesn't generally just go "oh it's fine I'm safe now" unfortunately. I think you need a new therapist! One who can do some trauma focussed work with you around PTSD type symptoms. Are you seeing someone privately or through NHS?

Your therapist told you to stop talking about it?

@Blev2022 it was through NHS and I was pretty abruptly discharged as he thought all was good.

@MaryHoldTheCandleSteadyWhileIShaveTheChickensLeg not in those words, but everytime the subject came up, it almost felt like an eye roll and I was told it was 'irrational'. Others have told me to stop talking about it.

The abuse triggered a part of your subconscious mind which is now on high alert to keep you safe - because that's it's role. It controls your emotions and imagination, both of which are sparking and creating scenarios.

That's why therapy isn't helping, because it deals with your logical, conscious mind - it knows the actual threat is minimal/non existent, but your subconscious is overriding it at the moment.

Instead of fighting your anxiety try listening to it, acknowledge the fears and remind yourself of all the reasons why it's unrealistic.

1/nothing has happened for the last few years

2/he could well be in another relationship or have moved away

3/he'd be really fucking stupid to breach a restraining order

4/you are a stronger, more capable person now and you will take the necessary steps - calling the police - if you have any concerns.

Once your subconscious has confidence that you've got this it will dial down the panic response.