To feel crowded out of my own life?

[PurplePeach83]

Advice from parents of Neuro diverse children and/or families with 3+ children would be particularly welcome here.
I have 4dc aged 8 to 18. The younger 2 are ND.

Every day i feel like I don't have room for my own self and identity to exist, like I don't even have space in my own head to even consider what I might like to do for myself for 10 minutes of the day. It feels almost like going through the newborn stage again, in terms of how consumed I am feeling being a parent atm.

DH is very supportive, works from home, splits housework etc, and is also very involved with DC, but he is the higher earner so works full time and therefore there is only so much time he can give.

After a morning spent accommodating our younger DC's specific and sometimes conflicting needs and trying to soothe their meltdowns, the moment I sit down with a cup of tea, one of my teens will start complaining about something without even asking if it's a good time. Eg. They'll come into the room huffing angrily 'Why am I so spotty today?' 'Whats for dinner?' 'Youll never guess what happened to me at work yesterday!'

Yes, I understand teens need their parents a lot emotionally, but it's as though they feel they own me, like I should be on call 24/7. If I respectfully request we talk later, they mope off and make me feel guilty, and therefore unable to truly enjoy my meagre 10 minutes to put my feet up that I'd been looking forward to all morning.

Meals are often restricted to a few family favourites due to sensory issues, it's easier and cheaper to cook the same/similar for everyone, but it means i rarely get to eat the things I'd like to.

The younger 2 have sleep issues so despite implementing a solid bedtime routine, they get up frequently in the evenings due to funny noises/moths/not being able to sleep. Once they're finally asleep, I usually get teens shouting at me because they're stressing about friends/school/work etc. 'Wheres my tie?' 'My chargers broken!' 'Why don't I have my school timetable yet?' If I offer advice or reminders, it's usually ignored, laughed at or rejected, but if I don't offer advice they complain I don't help them enough.

I've had to give up full time work to homeschool my youngest as she couldn't cope with mainstream school and wasn't offered any alternative. She was too anxious to attend school and the LA were threatening me with non attendance procedures. I work a part time admin job now from home but even this gets constantly interrupted...

How do I set some much needed boundaries? AIBU for even thinking it's possible for me to have any time, space or thoughts for myself in this situation? Is this my life now? Does anyone else find it's possible to have a fulfilling job/life of their own in a similar situation? Even right now I've got dc2 knocking on the bedroom door 😂

Just sympathy from me OP. I only have one ND child (8) and one teen, but I get it. My youngest is quite all consuming, but I often find the minute I’ve got him settled to some and having a brief break, my teen thinks it’s time to pounce.

I get it because she doesn’t get nearly as much of my attention as he does, but it’s hard when you just need that mental break!

I have a bra like this, Bendon sport. Really great.
www.ebay.co.uk/itm/252516439769

I don't know anything about this stockist, though. It's a new Zealand brand, I get it when I'm there. Sorry, I know that's not particularly helpful!

Bookmarking to come back later when I have time to read.

I have 3 DC. One 12yo ASD / ADHD. His twin undiagnosed but classic autism traits, awaiting help.

14 yo likely ASD but was never disrupting so (like female internalising traits), not picked up for help.

It's been suggested several times that I could be ADHD / autistic too. No time to look into that & not sure I want to but does make sense. I say this mainly as it might be something to consider in terms of being able to make time for yourself as well as the fact that it's just really hard being in your situation.

Thanks @Zuyi . I'm an HH, so this particular brand doesn't cater for my size, but it's useful to know that this style is supportive and I'll look for similar.

When DH is at home I retreat to the bedroom for half and hour or an hour. The kids come in asking for stuff but I redirect them to DH. I'm hoping eventually they'll learn to just ask him first.

I know times are extremely hard but, tbh, OP with one and a half salaries coming into your household I don’t think it would be unreasonable to carve out (as little as!) £49 once every month or six weeks for you to spend a night away. Not with a distant or judgemental relative but in blissful isolation at a Premier Inn booked far enough ahead to get the best deal. (Obviously you have to factor in travel expenses - but presumably you’re looking for peace and quiet rather than a tourist view, so it needn’t be far from home.)

I have a friend with just one ND child who says doing this regularly has probably saved her marriage and her sanity.

That all sounds really tough. I can totally empathise with your feelings, although I only have 2 dc. The teen has dyspraxia and needs some support but doesn’t get enough from me, the 11 year old has asd and takes a lot of my time & headspace.
this is going to sound awful but my dh has asd and adhd and easily takes up as much energy and headspace as the kids. He has always struggled with work/ career which means that I am the main earner.
Throw peri menopause into the mix and i frequently feel like I am losing my mind!
much as I adore my family I am finally starting to realise that I need to prioritise my own needs at times.

I know times are extremely hard but, tbh, OP with one and a half salaries coming into your household I don’t think it would be unreasonable to carve out (as little as!) £49 once every month or six weeks for you to spend a night away.

Unfortunately at the moment for us, it really is. We stretched ourselves to get our house because with the children's sleep issues and meltdowns we wanted to prioritise them having their own rooms, and we do feel that was the right decision. But between paying for that, rising food bills, a hungry teenage boy, rising energy bills and a DD to support through uni, like for many people at the moment, an extra £50 or so is too much for us to find atm, though I do consider ourselves to be fortunate to be able to cover our costs for the moment at least. I don't feel sorry for myself for not affording a hotel stay, just don't feel we can stretch to it right now. Open to this changing in future if circumstances change.

I have two both with complex additional needs, ASD in the mix too. It’s very hard work - I think if you are able to recognise that and not subscribe to the “shit mum” mindset it helps not put too many expectations on yourself.

Your teens are old enough now to have some empathy for you - I’d sit them both down and clearly explain the kids of help you need, eg helping with chores, occasional childcare/keeling an eye on the younger ones. I’d also set a clear boundary around your time eg when I’m in my bedroom and the door is closed you need to speak to DH or wait.

With my two they have very different needs but I have found a small overlap with a tv programme we all like, so I get a cup of tea and we all watch for 40 mins or so. They still chat etc but it’s time we can spend while together without me constantly having to chat and engage.

For birthdays, Christmas etc I ask for experiences, so a voucher for a massage, overnight stay somewhere, cinema voucher. I find going to the cinema in the afternoon with a nice coffee and a treat of some kind helps me recharge.

Lastly, every now and again make something you would really like for tea. Even if it means cooking just for you - your wants and needs matter.