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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband not coping well

39 replies

misspiggy42 · 04/09/2022 06:48

We have a nearly 6 month old baby. From day one she's always been quite...spirited very lovely but also quite high maintenance - likes to be held and screams a LOT. She is clingy to me which is understandable as I've been the primary carer but it's getting to the point where I'm struggling to leave her at all.

I went out yesterday for a few hours and when I came back she was screaming (and apparently had been for 2 hours non stop), the house was a mess and dh was totally stressed and upset. He can't settle her and he feels like he is failing her. He passes her to me and she settles instantly. I can tell it's making him really unhappy.

I do try not to leave her often but I feel like this may only get worse if she doesn't have some one on one time with her dad. I feel like I have to pander to him to bring him out of his funk as well as soothe her because he gets so miserable by it all. Fatherhood apparently isn't what 'he expected' (he's a first time dad) so I always end up feeling like he somehow feels his life is ruined by her.

What do I do? Do I just never leave her until she's a bit bigger? Do I throw them both in at the deep end even though they both end up upset?

OP posts:

MzHz · 04/09/2022 08:31

oneproudmumma · 04/09/2022 07:01

He's still struggling at 6 months? I can understand the first 4 months as they are brutal but generally things improve a lot

What about you struggling? Does that not matter to him.

Ah come on… 4m is a blur with babies like this, and if you’re lucky it starts to get better with a bit of routine getting going at 6m

the first year is HARD.

@misspiggy42 what I would suggest is that when you’re all together, hand baby to h for a few minutes at a time, and increase that time. Sure there will be squeals, but maybe leave her with him and carry on talking to her as you leave the room and come back in. This will absolutely get better. It won’t always be like this. I know it feels like it’s the end of the world, but it really still very much the beginning of your family.

huge hug to you both, and a little squeeze for dd too

deeperthanallroses · 04/09/2022 08:41

take a more gradual approach- I would say half an hour walk in the sling every couple of nights - if you don’t have one get one, we have a manduca , others love ergo baby or Tula. On weekends he can bath her and feed her at least one meal (and weeknights if he gets home in time). Evenings is there a nappy change? Tell him to tell her about his day while he walks. It should change. If your shops have the trolleys where you can put a baby, send him on the weekend, If she’s screaming he can abort mission. He may enjoy all the sympathy and attention a man with a baby gets whether they are crying or not! Shorter stints so he doesn’t find it so hard but many more of them and activity based to help him out.

Original poster

misspiggy42 · 04/09/2022 08:42

Thank you for the advice it's really helpful. Dh has struggled with confidence. He has no experience of babies. Even now he doesn't like dressing her or feeding her in public in case 'he does it wrong' (I know I know). I have stepped in more than I ought to have done and this is the result. Although in fairness I do get a lot of screaming and thrashing at times too, she's just that kind of baby. The difference is I can usually get it under control after a while whereas if it's dh alone it seems to go on for hours.

She's not a fan of the sling, she just wants to be held. Pram is hit and miss.

OP posts:

Skinterior · 04/09/2022 09:05

He needs practice. Start with you nipping out to get a forgotten thing from the shop for ten minutes and work up from there.

They will both grow out of it

Congratulations on your lovely baby!

Skinterior · 04/09/2022 09:10

My DH was the same - he's not very good with not being the expert in the room so did quite a lot of panicking when DS was tiny.

It's sooooo tempting to take over but it isn't helping. Also he needs to find his own way. If you're not there you can't tell him he's doing it 'wrong', so he can't use that to justify him not doing anything.

I know MN hates mens' delicate egos being pandered to and in theory I agree, but sometimes they need a bit of consideration to keep the peace and move everything forward.

Original poster

misspiggy42 · 04/09/2022 09:19

@Skinterior yes mine is exactly the same, so used to being the expert on everything that when he's out of his depth he takes it really badly! Lots of talk about how he's failing and things like that. I know the only thing to solve it is to let them work it out between themselves but it's very hard.

OP posts:

MzHz · 04/09/2022 15:45

You had to work it all out for yourself, so does he.

get him to take care of clothes dressing whenever she needs it and he’s around at home so that they both get used to it.

neverbeenskiing · 04/09/2022 16:11

Feeling anxious about being left alone with the baby, worrying he's getting everything wrong, getting upset because he feels he's "failing" her, taking it personally and feeling rejected when she wants you instead...OP, if you were a man posting about his DW then I can 100% guarantee you would get lots of responses saying get her to the GP. He could be suffering from anxiety and depression, or he could just be struggling to adjust to new parenthood. Impossible to tell from a post on MN but personally I would want to get it looked into.

mathanxiety · 04/09/2022 19:03

My 4th baby was like this. Very anxious, cried all the time, terrible sleeper. CMPA, seasonal allergies...

Nothing helped, and exH had zero interest in her, the poor little mite.

I read 'The Fussy Baby Book: Parenting Your High Needs Baby...' by William and Martha Sears. I loved the book and especially the advice to remind myself that 'this too shall pass'. I think you should get the book and ask your DH to read it.

He needs to parent the baby he has, not the baby he thought he would get. This book may help him relax, get past his feelings, and feel more empowered and optimistic.

I suggest your DH gets a back carrier to sit DD into and the three of you can go out to the supermarket together or on walks, and he can take her on his own too. Doing outdoor stuff with a high needs baby can offer a good distraction, especially at 6 months when she can sit up and get interested in what's happening all around her. DH can sing songs, point out cars and trucks, trains, birds chirping, dogs, cats, etc. Making beep beep, vroom vroom, chirp chirp, woof woof, meow, and choochoo noises can entertain her as he walks along.

I note that the house was a tip - why was that?

mathanxiety · 04/09/2022 19:06

Above all, the Sears book will tell him not to take the baby's response to his efforts as a personal rebuke.

This is INCREDIBLY important.

MsChatterbox · 04/09/2022 19:10

I think maybe leaving for hours is too much at the moment. I would start with going out for 10 minutes and build it up over time. She just needs to learn you are coming back and she's safe with her dad in the mean time. If it makes you feel any better both my babies were exactly the same (and I had bad separation anxiety too so we just fed off each other). Once they both got into toddler hood they are fine with their dad.

Fishpawsandchips · 06/09/2022 07:14

J0rd0 · 04/09/2022 08:26

“feelingz”? That’s a bit heartless and frankly smacks of a 1950s mindset. Unlike a lot of posts on here with feckless partners he seems to genuinely be trying to form a bond with his child (he’s upset that he feels he’s failing her).

Show quote history

I don’t think my post is heartless. Op has subsequently said that he doesn’t like changing or dressing the baby in public « in case he does it wrong » which proves he is thinking more about his own feelings than the baby’s comfort.

‘And many women aren’t naturally maternal and feel awkward and lacking in confidence with a baby at first, but they have no choice but to crack on with it and put in the hours. Like anything else, practice will help.

Also, I suggested a parenting class or some sort of guided play or swimming class where he could get to know his baby. better under guidance or within a structured setting. I still don’t think that’s a bad idea tbh.

Christonabike37 · 06/09/2022 07:29

DS was like this. It has gotten so much better and he actually does so much more now because I practically forced him to take him out on his own.

It's a lot easier when they're out doing something fun. DS just waves at me as he leaves now and let's me leave while he's at home. It's been a bloody hard road and honestly I don't know if our marriage is at all salvageable. But DS is building a bond with his dad.

oakleaffy · 06/09/2022 08:00

Agree, he sounds a decent Dad - He is at least trying, and it must be a frustrating thing for him just to be screamed at-
But maybe try the Unwashed TShirt Trick? - although I would have thought this would be more successful with a younger baby.
2 hrs is far too long to leave a screaming baby - unfair on both of them
Leave them together for much much shorter times, Til both of them feel confident.

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