Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Scared of ex

16 replies

Twilightsparkly · 03/09/2022 20:51

Was with my ex for approx 5 years on and off, we do have a DD together who is now 7yo, he has contact EOW.

He was (still is) a complete narcissist, always name calling, everything is my fault, I'm this I'm that etc, spending our bill money on drugs, spending our DDs nursery fees on drugs, not showing to pick her up, cheating, physically, emotionally and mentally abusive, this list endless
The thing is with him he's a people pleaser, a charmer, the one everyone fancies, but behind closed doors was a vicious, nasty pr**k.

Anyway fast forward to now, we both have new partners, both happy. We agreed he pays me £50 PW child maintenance however he does this when he feels like doing, I am now on the 4th consecutive week with no payment.

He started a new job and had to do a week in hand (fair enough), the week after it was that he has to do 2 weeks in hand (bullsh*t), the week after was completely ignored, now this week it's the excuse of his online banking isn't working, he has no bank card so can't withdraw, can't send off for a new one, blah blah blah.

Normally I am quite understanding, but now I just feel like he is making a mug of me, I express all of this to my DP and it really annoys him, not that it's anything to do with him but it's the fact I'm letting him walk all over me which upsets him, he tells me to stand up for myself and take CSA route (he has a DD from previous relationship and never would dare miss a payment) but the truth is I'm scared!

Anytime i try and stand up for myself I receive so much backlash, name calling, threats, it takes me right back to the scared girl I was when we were together.

He's an OK dad - like I said contact EOW but he the time DD is texting me her and her dad and gf are still in bed and she's bored, or she doesn't want to go in the first place, she has disclosed to me in the past that he has smacked her previously, when confronted he said "yes if she is being cheeky/naughty I will give her a smack on the hand/bum.

Sorry for the rant, just don't know where to go from here xx

OP posts:
Travis1 · 03/09/2022 20:55

CSA and If he ever lifts a hand to your daughter again you withdraw contact and report it.

have you had any therapy? What about the womens aid freedom programme!

Twilightsparkly · 03/09/2022 21:00

Travis1 · 03/09/2022 20:55

CSA and If he ever lifts a hand to your daughter again you withdraw contact and report it.

have you had any therapy? What about the womens aid freedom programme!

When I even mention CSA it's the threats of don't you dare, i will have people round at your house etc.

Disgusting I know but it petrifies me.

OP posts:
Silvercurtains · 03/09/2022 21:07

Do you think he would send people round to your house? Do you think he’d bitch and moan, or do you think he’d become a physical danger?

Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2022 21:10

Your partner is right and your ex is full of shit. Apply for CSA and ignore his tantrums. Report any and all threats or abuse to the police.

SkirridHill · 03/09/2022 21:18

Also, in Wales smacking a child is illegal (though you may not live there). You should report the shithouse to Social Services.

Twilightsparkly · 03/09/2022 21:20

Silvercurtains · 03/09/2022 21:07

Do you think he would send people round to your house? Do you think he’d bitch and moan, or do you think he’d become a physical danger?

I don't think he would do anything physical as he is quite wary of my dp (wont come out to the car when he is in it, acts nice as pie when he's around) not that my dp has ever shown any aggressiveness for him to be like this I just believe he thinks he won't be as stupid as me.

I do however think he could cause a lot of trouble for me if he wanted to, making up lies etc

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2022 21:21

He can't do a damn thing to you and no one is going to believe his lies. Stop being a doormat and stand up for yourself and your child.

RandomMess · 03/09/2022 21:29

Your DD deserves the CMS money because it benefits her. Just crack on and claim it.

He most likely already bitches and lies about you anyway.

🤷🏽‍♀️

Twilightsparkly · 03/09/2022 21:41

I know, I think it's just my anxiety making things worse than what they could be because I know what he's like and how nasty he can be.

I can provide for my daughter with or without his money most of the time. it's more the principle of things. This week I was quite relying on his money for some last minute school bits, he's made yet another excuse and I just feel like blowing up on him but am scared the consequences will be much worse.

I realise I sound so pathetic and like such a pushover which I know I am just don't know how to overcome it

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/09/2022 21:44

You overcome it by going to CMS and stop giving him the power of you. He is getting off on whether to give you the money or not!!

Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2022 21:45

RandomMess · 03/09/2022 21:44

You overcome it by going to CMS and stop giving him the power of you. He is getting off on whether to give you the money or not!!

Exactly. Don't use anxiety as an excuse. All of us have to work through our anxieties and do what needs to be done.

Starlightstarbright1 · 03/09/2022 21:45

Don't discuss it with him simply go to cms.. you never need to discuss money with him again.

Communicate only by text and email. You then go to the police if he is abusing you..

I do understand you are scared but he enjoys you been scared..

Use grey rock too

TooHotToTangoToo · 03/09/2022 21:47

Go to cms and if you feel threatened, even the smallest amount, report him to the police, and continue to report him each and every time

Xpologog · 03/09/2022 21:51

Do you think he’s still using drugs? For me that’s a no no, I wouldn’t let my DD stay with him. Smacking her is also a strike against him.
You could say no child support no contact. Would your DD be bothered about not seeing him?
Or you could talk to him about the lack of child support, when is he going to pay backlog and record him. In fact record every interaction with him. Any threats go to the police, you’ll have the evidence.

Twilightsparkly · 03/09/2022 21:55

Xpologog · 03/09/2022 21:51

Do you think he’s still using drugs? For me that’s a no no, I wouldn’t let my DD stay with him. Smacking her is also a strike against him.
You could say no child support no contact. Would your DD be bothered about not seeing him?
Or you could talk to him about the lack of child support, when is he going to pay backlog and record him. In fact record every interaction with him. Any threats go to the police, you’ll have the evidence.

Personally I think when he does not have DD he still uses, yes.

She sees him as the "fun" dad, I am the sensible one, it would break her heart if I told her she wasn't allowed to see him.

OP posts:
Silvercurtains · 03/09/2022 22:01

Keep a diary of all the shit stuff he does in case you ever need to stop contact. Don’t discuss money with him again. My ex was the same and he made my life very difficult. Go to cms for child maintenance and refuse to discuss it with him again. Nothing you say will appease him and he’ll only try to trip you up so he can blame you for him being a shit parent. It doesn’t matter what bullshit excuses he comes out with, if he wanted to be a responsible parent he’d be doing it.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread