Am I being an absolute jerk or is he?

[Stationsofthecross]

Background is - it’s always me mainly who plans our nights out. Never him. Maybe once a year (if I’m lucky!) and there is enough begging and or crying/arguing. If not for me - we would possibly stay home 24/7.

Today we were meant to go out - I thought he would plan something - I suggested a restaurant - nope. No plan. He said ‘let’s just go and see if they have a place’ - No booking. Restaurant not answering. I suggested another restaurant - he didn’t want sushi as we had that yesterday.

Just seems a bit thoughtless. He’s now annoyed at me. Says I should have booked. It’s not on him. Says he doesn’t want to go out with me as I’m being ‘funny’ with him. I’m just disappointed yet again - but AIBU? Am I being a jerk here?

So he said not to plan, then when the non-plan didn't work out blames you for not booking?

He's being a jerk.

He’s a loser
Why are you wasting your time?

Yes he's being a jerk.

I suggested another restaurant - he didn’t want sushi as we had that yesterday. this seems fair enough though.

Ah yes, this is the beginning of the mental load opt out. It seems strangely common in males, an inability to think more than 10 minutes ahead. Anyway, it makes for a lifetime of frustration and feeling used for the person who has to plan and take care of everything. Not an equal partner in life.

That very loaded being 'funny' line basically he doesn't like to be told he's in the wrong so he's making it about you.

Do you want to stay with him?

This is why I started making plans with friends and family instead and my husband has just started noticing. Everything is too much trouble and he never fancies it or has anything to wear. Just make plans with friends, it’s much less hassle and you’ll enjoy it better.

Maybe once a year (if I’m lucky!) and there is enough begging and or crying/arguing

Are you exaggerating for effect or is actually what happens?

You’re incompatible. Stop fighting it and separate.

If you know he never plans what makes you think he would have on this occasion ?

I don't know why this results in an argument. Ok the restaurant doesn't have a table. Go somewhere else. Go to the cinema. Go bowling. Make some sandwiches and thermos flasks and go for a long walk.

Second time I've had to post this in the past few days, with slight amendment.

You've got yourself a millstone. Millstones can't be bothered to do anything. They just tag along with whatever you decide do. They let you plan and organise anything that takes more than minimal effort, whilst making it more of a chore because you also have to take their needs / wants into consideration. Like real millstones, eventually, you get tired carrying them.

I was with someone like that for 4 years, and then somebody who was like that for 10 years, because I was a glutton for punishment and a fucking idiot. The latter one, like your partner, would also get stroppy when asked to put some effort in. Don't waste your time like I did.

@girlmom21 because after arguing about it constantly year after year I thought maybe he could change if he saw that it really did bother me. The thoughtlessness of it is just so sad. There is no - let’s do this instead. Zero.

@AnneLovesGilbert I’m starting to see that now. No exaggeration - he’s always been like this. It’s probably my fault for thinking he would change.

Plan fun things. Things with your friends, your family, random fun things in your area. He can come if he wants to. But this is your life and it is precious.

Basically, you need to find out if he would be perfectly happy for you to go out and have funtimes without him and hear about it the next day. Some people would be genuinely relieved - they just want to stay in and that makes them happy.

I guess you have to find out if you can have a fun life with him as a part of it. But trying to make him an essential part of going out isn't going to work. He doesn't want that. Is that OK with you?

@TheNestedIf it sounds like this with me - also with him for over 15 years. Tbf - he is a wonderful father. Just a really really really thoughtless husband when it comes to everything else. No effort whatsoever. It’s almost like I’m not worth the thought. He once accused me of ‘only wanting expensive’ restaurants. - I told him - we don’t even go to the local pub. But yes. It sounds like I’m a fucking idiot.

"I’m starting to see that now. No exaggeration - he’s always been like this. It’s probably my fault for thinking he would change."

No, it's your fault for thinking you could change him.

Sorry you're feeling like this, too. I thought this was a new relationship. It's all too easy to fall into the sunken costs fallacy.

what are his qualities that make him worth being with?
cause tbh I’d just move on

@FineWordsForAPorcupine I try to. I wanted to take the kids and mum to the west end last week - had really good tickets. I asked him if he wanted to come, he said no, he didn’t like the west end. I said no problem - I’ll take the kids and mum, he said it wouldn’t be a good idea on the train with the kids, so I said if he could look after the kids then (mum is visiting from another country) and he said not fair to have the kids by himself for so long alone as he wanted to do family stuff - then a few minutes later changed his mind but by then i had lost the tickets!

My family don’t live here so i can’t really make plans with them - I have a few friends but I don’t see them very much (all have busy lives etc). Maybe I should just go out alone. Or find a hobby group. It’s just pretty sad that after so long - it feels like I’m an after thought, and he truly doesn’t see it this way.

Tbf - he is a wonderful father

OK, I'm not saying you are wrong about this, but I invite you to consider what makes you say this. Because often the bar is set...quite low for fatherhood. Do you mean that he gets stuck in with the nitty-gritty of parenting - knows your kids' best friends, understands their schedule, would be the one that could comfort them when they are ill, etc?

Because it seems like "he's an amazing dad" frequently translates to "doesn't actively hurt the children and enjoys playing with them sometimes when they are being fun and sparky."

@Summertimesadnesss - your user name is such a fab song!

He’s very good with the kids - I have a very demanding job. I travel loads - and I am almost never around for pick up or drop off (I work cross counties). We get on most of the time - he would be happy to just stay home tho, doesn’t see the benefit of being out. His life is centred around the lives of the children - he had them late.

Crosspost with "I said if he could look after the kids then (mum is visiting from another country) and he said not fair to have the kids by himself for so long alone as he wanted to do family stuff - then a few minutes later changed his mind but by then i had lost the tickets!"

Oh, that sounds hard - so he is actively trying to stop you from having fun without him, but also doesn't want you have fun with him?

You are in a difficult situation.

He's an "amazing dad" yet can't manage to look after them so you can go to a show? Sorry, not buying it. You're just being nice and trying to come up with something nice to say about him. He couldn't even let you have a nice time with your mum, the fucking selfish prick.

You have got to raise your standards and refuse to be his absolute last place. Fuck him. You can do better.

@FineWordsForAPorcupine he knows their schedules as he is the one who does the bulk of the pick up/drop offs. He takes them cycling and will get stuck into stuff. Sees to their homework. However when it comes to things like are their clothes too small, do they have a present for some friends party, play date arranging etc etc - that’s all on me, birthday party planning etc.

But - I agree with you. My own father I would say is ‘wonderful’ - but the truth is, he was around for the fun times and was a right nightmare to my own mum. I love him dearly still tho, he’s my dad.

he was around for the fun times and was a right nightmare to my own mum. I love him dearly still tho, he’s my dad.

Kids are programmed to love the adults around them. It's literally a survival strategy for them. It doesn't make those adults good parents, it just means that those children had only that.

@FineWordsForAPorcupine @Aquamarine1029
i totally see what you are saying. The west end thing was a bit of a curveball. I think in his mind - he wanted to spend time with the family, and spending £250 on tickets sitting down wasn’t ‘active’ - he wanted to do some museum but the kids would have found that boring and I knew mum would have too. He is more than happy for me to take mum everyday to the west end when the kids go back to school - he just didn’t think me taking them on a train was a great idea. He’s never been a west end fan - truth be told I don’t go myself, but I wanted to bring mum and also wanted the kids to spend time with her (they live in different countries) . I’m not making excuses for him - believe me I don’t want to.

he just didn’t think me taking them on a train was a great idea

Was he able to expand on that? Because to me, taking kids on a train is...pretty normal.

Does he feel like he wants family time to be more low key? I can see how he might feel exhausted from daily parenting (if that is indeed what is happening, I'm not sure if I've got the wrong end of the stick). If he is doing the day to day, he might want some chilled out family activites. It is weird that he said "you can't take the kids" and also "you can't leave the kids with me" though.

@FineWordsForAPorcupine

To me it is - trains are part of london life really. The reason was - it was a Saturday, it would have been packed. I think he did want an afternoon that we could all do something together. I wanted to take mum to west end. He works from home so is never on trains.