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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop trying to feed my husband?

27 replies

KiraKiraHikaru · 03/09/2022 18:19

My husband barely eats. He’s very thin and also a type 1 diabetic. On top of this he’s a chef so spends all day around food. He doesn’t eat anything in the morning apart from a few sweets to get his blood sugar up. I know he doesn’t eat any meals in the day. He just picks at bits while he’s working.
If I cook a meal and keep some back for him when he gets home he won’t eat it. I’ve stopped doing this as the food was going to waste. The only way I can get him to eat after work is if I wait for him to come home and I have dinner freshly made and I sit and eat with him. Even then, I know he’s only eating with me because I’ve gone through the effort of serving it to him and he would feel rude if he didn’t eat. I can’t do this atm though as he’s not getting home till half 11 as it’s busy. I’m the winter it’s not so bad as he’s home by half 9.
I know he’s a grown man and he can cook if he wants to eat or snack out of the fridge or whatever but I just worry so much about him. On his days off he only eats if he starts to hypo and even then it’s just snacks. He will have a very small evening meal. Aibu to leave him to it or should I push more? He’s had a check up with the diabetes team and he’s healthy.

OP posts:
CatherinedeBourgh · 03/09/2022 18:21

If he's healthy he's healthy.

Hard on you if you're naturally a feeder, but sounds like you need to let this one go.

Tierne · 03/09/2022 18:23

Some people have small appetites, they dont eat a lot and they're thin. I dont really see what the problem is, the doctors say he is fine

Hankunamatata · 03/09/2022 18:23

Depends if he is managing his diabetes well with his diet. He could end up with massive complications later in life if he isnt.

Hankunamatata · 03/09/2022 18:24

But a small meals are healthier than huge meals

abovedecknotbelow · 03/09/2022 18:25

He's probably eating the equivalent of a meal at work. As long is diabetes is controlled let him get on with it.

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 03/09/2022 18:26

do you think he might have an eating disorder?

Original poster
KiraKiraHikaru · 03/09/2022 18:26

He’s managing it better now he has an arm monitor but he still has very low sugars quite a lot of the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
KiraKiraHikaru · 03/09/2022 18:27

I don’t think he has an eating disorder I just think he can’t be bothered to eat a lot of the time. (Alien to me as I’m a foodie!!)

OP posts:
SkirridHill · 03/09/2022 18:29

I've known a few chefs and they ate sparingly. I realise this only applies to the ones I knew, but food became fuel after a while and not something to be savoured. If he's healthy, my guess would be he's grazing all day and filling up that way.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 03/09/2022 18:30

Would he try ensure compact? I don't really get hungry or get cravings.
I eat to survive.

I started drinking one ensure compact daily and my appetite has increased alongside my energy levels they're great.

lanbro · 03/09/2022 18:32

I spend my whole day cooking and baking and rarely eat at work, then when I'm home I can't be bothered so just snack, my colleagues are the same. If someone else cooks for I'll eat it, and I do like going out to eat, but day to day food is just something necessary to keep me going not a huge pleasure.

If he's healthy just let him crack on.

MatildaTheCat · 03/09/2022 18:35

If he’s got history of running low please tell him my family member has suffered an irreversible brain injury from an overnight hypo.

You are right to be concerned but you can’t make him do the sensible thing. Many type 1s are a bit overweight due to their metabolic issues so he may well be eating much too little.

Felicity42 · 03/09/2022 18:36

Sometimes worrying about others is a coping mechanism that keeps us away from our own feelings.
You'd really have to query if he needs you to wait up to have a dinner at 11.30pm, or is it really your need.
How does it impact on you, your diet, and your lifestyle to be cooking and tidying up very late at night?

Original poster
KiraKiraHikaru · 03/09/2022 18:42

It’s impacted on me a lot which is why I’m not doing it anymore. I just worry. I’m a worrier. I love him very much.

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 03/09/2022 18:44

I used to work in a kitchen when I was younger, honestly at the weekends (when I was working) I just didn't eat. I was around food all day, wasn't hungry and sick of the smell of it.

Mochatatts · 03/09/2022 18:49

Also with a chef and I'm a foodie. He doesn't eat either. Lives on coffee and cigarettes, another issue. Snacks at work a bit and eats rubbish on his days off. I've tried buying things in I know he likes, offer to have food ready when he gets in, if I'm up. Nothings stuck. He will sometimes have a fruit smoothie with ice cream if he feels really crap. He only eats carrots at a push veg wise. It's a nightmare and a worry.
But they're grown men. You've tried. Let him sort himself x

Bubblebubblebah · 03/09/2022 18:50

If he is having hypos often it's not good and it can cause serious issues down the line. He needs to manage better even if it isn't food itself, but something else to keep bit more stable. If he doesn't have an appetite maybe aome well balanced ood replacement?

Some people here seem to be missing the T1 info imho

Meraas · 03/09/2022 18:52

I think waiting to for him with a freshly cooked meal is enabling him.

He needs to hit rock bottom and learn to feed himself.

He’s a chef so he will start feeding himself when he knows no one will spoon feed him.

Meraas · 03/09/2022 18:53

Bubblebubblebah · 03/09/2022 18:50

If he is having hypos often it's not good and it can cause serious issues down the line. He needs to manage better even if it isn't food itself, but something else to keep bit more stable. If he doesn't have an appetite maybe aome well balanced ood replacement?

Some people here seem to be missing the T1 info imho

I don’t think anyone is missing the T1.

Original poster
KiraKiraHikaru · 03/09/2022 19:00

Meraas · 03/09/2022 18:52

I think waiting to for him with a freshly cooked meal is enabling him.

He needs to hit rock bottom and learn to feed himself.

He’s a chef so he will start feeding himself when he knows no one will spoon feed him.

But he doesn’t, which is the literal point of the thread.

OP posts:
ForestofD · 03/09/2022 19:28

I'm married to a chef and diabetic. He's also a grazer.

He only improved when he had a low in the middle of a busy service- everything had to stop while he shoved merigues down his throat.

He now eats a proper breakfast.

If he get's home at 11pm, he will just have a bowl of cereal now. To be honest, I think chefs are a special breed and I've given up trying to improve his diet! 😉

Tell him your concerns then let him get on with it.

FlowerArranger · 03/09/2022 19:38

I think those saying he is grown man let him get on with it may have missed that he is a type 1 diabetic...

He’s had a check up with the diabetes team and he’s healthy.

Did he tell you that? Is the team aware of his repeated hypo episodes? It looks like his diabetes is poorly controlled, which is inevitable if he doesn't manage his diet and eats little and irregularly.

You are right to be concerned, @KiraKiraHikaru. If he won't listen, is it possible to alert his consultant or his GP? But ultimately there is only so much you can do. Sadly, I know from personal experience that many diabetics only wake up to the seriousness of their condition when complications set in.

Summerhillsquare · 03/09/2022 19:47

I hear you OP. My exH had orthorexia, and other self harming behaviour. Its an exquisite form of pain to see the person you love suffering at their own hand (and yes I know they are compulsed).

Kerrrmieee · 03/09/2022 19:56

Could he be using stimulants to get through the long hours and the stress of the environment? Wouldn't be the first chef.

Azulocean · 03/09/2022 20:05

Could you make him some energy balls? There’s loads of recipes on line but you could look for ones with peanut butter, coconut oil, ground nuts, flaxseed, sweeten with dates/dried fruit. They are small bite sized, but plenty of fats to keep him going.

Even one small step of having an energy ball for breakfast instead of the sweets? One step at a time.

Also any smoothies/shots. You can disguise veggies well and add protein powder. If time is an issue for him, have the smoothie to drink going along, may be a few packs of mixed nuts?

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